A commercial came on the TV for anxiety medication and the teenager says “doesn’t everyone have anxiety?” and I couldn’t help but laugh. Then she says “especially from adulting”. This girl gets it. Lol
I have always had it, as far back as I remember. So I don’t know what it’s like to not have it. When I was very little I had a span of time I would scratch my head so much in this one spot that I was bald there.
So today, I’ve had this nagging anxiety all morning. But I can’t help but laugh at how I’m managing it. It started in with me immediately, first thing. It came and told me:
Anxiety: something is wrong
anxiety: we’re lonely
me: ok, so?
Anxiety: we have to do something about this!
Me: ok what?
Anxiety: let’s put up a tinder ad
Me; okay, walk me through that. Then what? Do you remember how much time and energy dating took before? You prepared for that? That’s what you really want? Remember how you felt before every date?
Anxiety: oh yea, well. That’s totally normal but yea…it was a time suck. Ok….. Umm. How about an event?
Me: (finds no femdom events tonight) let’s get some stuff done today and maybe we can go to the club later if you feel up to it and have the energy still. Yes?
Anxiety: phew. Ok. Yea. Great. Thanks. I feel better. Yes.
Silly conversations I have with myself, but basically I humored it, instead of ignoring it, chastising it, belittling it. I walked it through to something more plausible that would satisfy us both and just like that it got tabled.
I’ll address it again when it comes back. It always does. I’ve learned that if I disregard it and let it run rampant and loose like a Tasmania devil it creates way too much havock. So I have to address it. This time it was logical. Sometimes it isn’t. Emotions are erratic at best. And each time they come they manifest a little differently. So it’s best to just handle them as they come and not let it overwhelm me.
I sometimes wonder what that little girl who didn’t speak and would ram herself full force into walls used to think about life. How difficult it was for her to process her world. I don’t know that it’s gotten all that much easier, I’ve just learned better coping skills. Fortunately I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well too, which helps and remembering too that this life is just a work in progress.
Lately, a lot of it is believing that none of this fucking matters one bit. That at the end the only thing I’ll truly care about is who I let myself become, how I responded to my life and what I did with my time here. Did I let my heart speak? Did I nurture my own soul? Was I a positive influence in any way at all, when given the chance to be so? It won’t matter what I saw, what happened to me, who was around, where, when, how any of life came at me. It will only matter what I did with it. The choices I make. Who I let myself be.
When it’s all said and done and I am judged for this all. I want to know I lived up to my own expectations…… but that’s not a one and done thing. It’s a lifelong, moment by moment endeavor. And well….. I’m truly fine with it that way. I don’t have much else going on anyway. Lol
Now this sounds totally contrary to my post about just letting myself be who I am and not caring about right and wrong and playing this ludicrous philosophical and esoteric game anymore. I still think both hold true. I do just want to be me. That seems more than good enough really. 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️