by my life. My house is in foreclosure* I’ve basically shuttered my eBay consignment business, at least temporarily. I’m trying to refocus on myself after this break up which will make for a lonely holiday season.** The teenager is dealing with her own and very first break-up. And worst of all of these is the health issues my middle is struggling with.
I’ve pulled her from school. She can’t leave the house. She is so miserable and she’s starting to get really depressed. I’m trying so hard to be her anchor and show support and encouragement but we have gotten no where and it seems to be getting worse.
When this is over I’m getting rid of that stupid couch. The image of her laying on it 24 hours a day with her sad face looking up at me, swallowing Dramamine like it’s candy, hoping for any bit of relief is an image I need gone from my existence.
The only specialist that seems to have any idea how to help her is of course not covered by her great insurance and will be costing thousands to try a two week therapy that may not even work. But right now seems the only shot we’ve got.
My heart has been racing at night. I’m trying to control my own anxiety and this has all just felt soo hard. I’m hoping and praying next year brings blessings and miracles because this one has been difficult in so many ways.
I do feel blessed that I have the strength and courage to walk through this challenge. Because I won’t back down. Just like Tom Petty sings about. But it doesn’t mean I want to keep fighting and struggling so much.
This one, my sensitive child, also asked me the other day, very seriously, why I broke up with Brad in the first place. She said I was happier when he was around. I explained to her the things I liked about him and how he made me feel but it got more complicated when I had the explain the ways I couldn’t depend on him and how we couldn’t figure out how to move forward together.
It did give me a good example for explaining how heartache is somewhat similar to her mystery illness in the way that eventually it will be gone. But in the thick of it, as she is now, can feel very overwhelming and never-ending. But that she has to believe it won’t be this way forever and she will be back to herself one day sooner than she realizes…. I hope. I say. Let it be so.
I don’t understand why I was given so much on my plate. And that whole life only gives you what you can handle is a bunch of BS. I’m a fairly optimistic and naive person but even that’s taking it too far for me.
At the end of the day I have to just accept that I’m doing my best moment to moment and that’s going to have to be enough. I’m going to have to be satisfied with that because what else is there? But watching your children suffer has got to be the worst part of this life for me and there has been so little I seem to be able to do about it. 😭😭😭
But I’m going to handle it. Like I handle everything else. Moving forward trying to find the silver lining, sunshine and rainbows along the way.
*Although technically stalled while we try to work on a loan mod.
**I was thinking back to that ridiculous dating extravaganza I went on two Christmas’ ago. I can’t even imagine having the energy or desire to do that again.