It felt rocky there for a while. I’m feeling so much better now though. Starting a new job I think I’ll finally be able to tolerate. Been getting back into an exercise routine. Put up the Christmas lights and decorations. Starting up on some home projects that have been looming since summer. I’m feeling more like myself again.
It’s funny how much of yourself you lose when you get into a relationship. It’s such a gradual shift over time you never even notice. At least I didn’t. Now that I am focusing back into myself I am noticing what I gave up. No complaints. It was not all in vain. I went through some things I had to go through to learn lessons I never knew I needed and I had plenty of fun along the way as well. No regrets.
But I don’t want to have that happen again. One of my clients the other day was talking about loyalty. In his mind he equated it with monogamy but they are obviously not the same thing. It got me to thinking though that my next partner does indeed have to be completely loyal to me. In the sense of loyal to my very being; loyal to who I am, what I love, my vision for my (our) life. Loyal to me above all else, because I don’t see a point to it otherwise.
I think I’ve always compromised too much of myself and that stops now. But in order for me to expect such a thing from someone else I must first demand it from myself. And that, that right there is the true crux of the matter. Now isn’t it?
But, this storm is settling down a bit and I’m quite happy about that. Maybe it will come back. Maybe this is just a small respite. Whatever it is I’ll take it. It’s funny how just sitting with my emotions, not reacting to them, not judging, not giving myself a hard time about it, not expecting anything to happen, just letting them be however they wanted to, let it come and go rather easily and without any additional issues springing up. So I was a bit sad. Maybe I still am, but I feel the fog lifting.
I’m ok. I feel good right now. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.