I’ll be fine. I don’t give myself options on that. I just keep going; doing what needs to be done. It’s not that I’m on the brink of collapse. I don’t know what that looks like, to be honest. It’s no where near suicidal and I have that as the lowest benchmark I’ve ever hit. So I at least know that much.
I’m just a bit sad maybe, a tiny bit lethargic in general but still persuing personal goals. Not with as much zeal as someone might hope but not hopeless at all either. I’m feeling in between feelings. Like a void of feelings almost. It doesn’t feel like denial or avoidance more so just an indifference to everything. Like I don’t have the energy to feel anything right now. I have the energy to act though; and the emotions will come. I’m not worried; although this is a bit new to me. I’m usually very emotional. So it’s an interesting state to be in and that does intrigue me somewhat.
So I’m still me, only a very subdued version at the current moment. Which doesn’t feel good or bad. It doesn’t feel like much of anything at all beyond a mere fact of the matter of just being whatever it is.
And that’s ok.
I’m not looking to be rescued, although tht does sound like a dreamy way to go. But…… deep down don’t we all just want to be loved. Simple. So simple. Ridiculously simple. And yet……..
I need to get over this childish idea. Don’t I? Seems the logical thing to do. It even feels like following my own dreams and path may lead me to where my dreams come true. But this road has been so hard. Rewarding on a spiritual and personal growth level but so very fucking hard too. Do I give up? Do I just forget about it. Refocus. I try. I do try.
And then I let myself fall back into the heavenly landscape of wonder, desire and fulfilment that I can loose myself into. Maybe the longing is my real companion here. Lol 💋. Is that sad?