I really don’t know when it’s gonna get into my thick head that I can’t drink anymore.
I wish I could be a casual drinker. I wish I could be a social drinker. It’s not that I am not capable, as far as moderation. It’s that I have no tolerance for it anymore; not even a little.
My body absolutely rejects it. I came home with a massive headache last night, slept 16 hours straight, woke up with my eyes puffy and sore and with liver pain. If I don’t believe that’s my body putting it’s foot down then I really need to stop saying I have a good mind/body connection. I’m just so sensitive to any kind of chemical reaction in my body and instead of building a tolerance to alcohol it’s like I developed a severe allergy to it instead.
And so I just have to once and for all accept it. It’s sad, because it’s fun to drink. It’s a nice way to be social. It brings out parts of me I enjoy; fun, brash, bordering obnoxious me. She’s a hoot. I really like her, but without alcohol she stays pretty obscure, sadly.
I need to find an herb that I can take to mimic the effects of alcohol. Pot is almost the polar opposite of drinking to me. It makes me very introspective and pensive. Definitely not party time, but rather a very mellow and usually tranquil place.
I went to dinner last night with a wonderful friend and client and former naturopath who now does very specialized energy work. I am fascinated by her. She is such a ball of energy and light spirit and she has sufferred through things I would never wish on the devil itself. She has attracted sociopaths to her orbit much in the same way I attract pedophiles to mine.
She was talking about moving, and I told her the same thing I think about myself. “There is no where you can move to if you keep attracting these types of people, that you won’t keep doing so.”. She seems confident she’s ended her attraction but I hesitate to think so. Not because I don’t want to believe it. Not because I don’t think she is capable. Not because I’m trying to be pessimistic. But because she still currently has people in her orbit that are very much that way and I tend to think that once you truly stop attracting them they should fall away from your life; family or not.
But I’m not the poster child for how to get away from toxic people. If anything I have no clue at all about it and I’m still searching for my own healing on that same path.
Well anyway, I posited to her that I apprentice under her a few days a week. I think she could use the help and I could use the mentoring. We shall see. I left it in her court. I would be greatly humbled and grateful for the chance to learn from her. I truly think she has some amazing skills and gifts and I just love being around her bright spirit. But I know this is a big ask too. I hope she sees it as the win/win I do.
I was thinking yesterday how I don’t have the time and energy to make too many new friends. I really can barely keep up with the few I have now and the few I am trying to nurture. Not that I don’t want the chance to make more. Not that I don’t enjoy meeting people in general, but I’ve already met some fascinating people in Portland over the last few years and I really want to try and dig in to my life more, dig into these people and experiences more.
This is not really my norm, being such a very deeply introverted person. But it’s a goal, a good one I think. 😉