I was thinking today how 18 was a pivotal year for me. I made a key mistake in life. And that set the groundwork for a lot of further issues. But I didn’t know. I only have clarity now because I lived to see the consequences. But I was thinking if I could talk to that person I was then, what would I say and it felt important to write it down. Part of me felt that maybe it’s still important for me to hear it now. So here goes.
Dear young one,
You have not had it easy. You are not having it easy now. You have no one outside of your grandmother who really understands you, and even that is limited by her old fashioned ways and religious beliefs. But none the less take the time to enjoy that relationship, because once she is gone the world will be a much lonelier place for you.
Know that even though you have not been shown or taught this that what I am about to say to you is absolutely true.
You are worthy of everything you want in life and more. You are capable and strong, beautiful inside and out and you need to believe that deeply regardless of what society or anyone else says, thinks or dictates.
I wish I could say life will get easier but know that you are at a place where you can alter the course for yourself towards better and easier waters. If I can just give you 3 steps for your future, I think these alone will help you tremendously.
1) Because of the trauma and abuse you endured as a child, I know you realize yourself even at this age how that has affected your self esteem and your compulsive behavior: such as drinking, but it has affected you so much deeper than that.
Unfortunately, you will continue to make back choices with men, alcohol and life in general until you can get to a place of complete acceptance and forgiveness for your past and most especially for yourself. There are things you don’t yet understand about yourself, that are not exactly pleasant. You have a lot of anger, guilt, resentment and fear locked inside of you that needs to be released before you can make choices that will better serve your mind, body and spirit.
You will get there. This is a journey you must ultimately do for youself alone but there are lots of resources and people that can help you along the way. Stop being afraid to ask for help.
2) You are a very spiritual person. You always have been and will continue to be. Learn to meditate and practice yoga. Keep your exercise routine as it helps center you tremendously. Don’t ever let go of your yearning to grasp and understand what you believe and know in your soul to be true. You are not wrong. Follow and trust your instincts. Follow your heart always. It is when you don’t follow it that you will suffer the most.
You aren’t in a place where you have access to better eating yet, but as much as possible try to incorporate better foods. Just make the best choices you can when given a chance to. When in doubt eat more fruit. Eating whole foods, closer to their natural state, as direct from the ground as possible, unadulterated by man will help you feel much better. I know you know this already but it truly is vital not just for your day to day quality of life but your future health.
Overall, food wise because of the scarcity you are facing now you will make good choices, but you will get addicted to coffee. Don’t. Drink tea instead.
3) You are a nymphomaniac. Surprises no one. But listen to me closely. “You are worth more than what your body can do for a man.”. Your sexuality is going to be a pleasure for you the rest of your life. You will draw a lot of power from it. It will help you in many wonderful ways. But it is your body, for YOUR pleasure first and foremost. Learning how to please yourself and what arouses you is a wonderful lifelong journey.
And know you don’t need a man in your life to be happy and fulfilled. Do not let any man into your sphere that doesn’t value you for how special you are and treat you like a queen. But know that before someone values you and loves you the way you long so much to be loved you have to know what that feels and looks like by giving it to yourself first. You must fall in love with yourself. You must value yourself truly and completely. You must prove to yourself that you are worthy by holding that space of deep love for yourself first and never letting anyone devalue you.
Have courage. Go towards your passions in life full fledged. Keep your heart open, and follow your gut. There is only one you in the world. Let that light shine bright. You were meant to be exactly as you are, so let yourself be completely yourself. Be authentic, honest and true to yourself. It won’t always be easy but it will always be worth it.
Well…. I could make her a full, accurate and detailed checklist of things to do and things to avoid. But I made the mistakes I made and they made me who I am and there is no going back.
So I am moving forward, this moment to the next.
I wonder if 30 years from now I made this same letter for this me now how different it would be. For some reason that saddens me. 🤔🤷🏽♀️
Enjoy your day!