I want to lay it all down, craving alcohol, over BuzzFeed?

I want to put down my fears

My expectations

My frustrations

My bitterness

My doubts

My stress

My judgement

My ego and entitlement

I want to put down the past

I want to lay down the worry of the future

I want to take it all off of me

Everything and everyone will continue to exist exactly as it is

But I want to live in the moment

Live precisely in the right now

Unencumbered by what I think should happen

Unencumbered by who I think I should be

How I think I should or have before reacted

Not think about how the story goes

Or rather how it’s supposed to go in my mind

I want to live each moment for exactly what it is

Drawing the good and bad out of the narrative

And just focusing on what actually is

Because then it and I can be fluid in this dance of life

I want to be in symbiosis to the flow of my own existence

I’ve seen it, felt it, lived it

It takes an extraordinary amount of courage or not giving any fucks because it takes having absolutely no fear……and that’s not a place we are ever encouraged to truly live in this world. The expectation seems quite the opposite. The examples are also mostly all backing that claim. Fear everything seems to be the mantra of the ages. Which just makes me want to revolt even more; honestly.

I want to do this. This is my goal. This is the example I want to live by.

I guess, to simplify this even more, I want to get to where I no longer react at all. Instead I simply access and act with as much kindness, compassion and love I can muster up at any given moment.

Spirit help me.


I think it’s maybe time I found a spiritual mentor. That is a tough call. I learn many great things from people in general; let alone other highly spiritual people. But I’m also very precise in what I know to be true based on my own experiences. There are some truths I will not bend to others views. But a good sage simply sparks your own awakening.


I really wanted a drink tonight. I almost bought a bottle of wine at the store. I was beyond tempted. But……now that I seem to be able to drink without feeling pain I should “save” it for special occasions: a night outing, a nice dinner, a social gathering.

The holidays are coming and while I don’t plan on being very social at all I’m sure some things will come up, even if just for networking. And I do so love a nice glass of wine or champagne.

I was thinking, and I may have mentioned this already, I’ve looked for herbs that could possibly replicate the feeling of drinking alcohol without the liver, dehydration and hangover issues. I haven’t found it. I wish someone would invent that. They could make it into an Alka Seltzer type thing where one could pretend to be drinking alcohol and have the same relaxation and lower inhibition effects but without any side effects.*

Suppose ecstacy is a an ok fit but then again it would have to be an extremely low dose. That stuff is wild.

I have experienced lots of different drugs in my life. Never habitually addicted to anything beyond alcohol, which is still bad, even if more socially acceptable.

Even as a teenager I hated pharmaceuticals and illicit drugs are really no better. Especially since there is zero regulation to them, little quality control and worst of all no way to know potency. But what do I know. I try to stay clear of both so what do I need to know about it really.

It’s probably not a good idea to start drinking but I’m just glad I stopped myself tonight. I told myself what I needed to tell myself. We will see when this comes up again how I feel and what I do, what I tell myself then.

This fluidity thing is no joke. πŸ˜‰



* The alcohol industry would snuff that right out though, I’m sure. Be a great thing to invent and then have them pay you millions of dollars to destroy. Lol. Although they’d probably rather save their money and find ways to sabotage it.


I think I should stop reading BuzzFeed. I really like some of their content, but they’ve spent a few days now roasting baby boomers and I was noticing that I fit some of the rants. Some said “why do people over 40…blah blah complaint” and I was like “hey, ouch”. There they go reinforcing separations. Sure they’re mostly funny, except when it hits close to home and you realize you’re being insulted for other people’s pleasure. Maybe not personally but it sure does feel like it.

I get that we should have thicker skins and that cancel culture is a real thing. But we should also realize that we are so much more similar to each other than any of our differences make it feel. We all love the same. We all feel pain. We all suffer. To different degrees, in different ways, but we all have crosses to bear. If we could bridge the gap to each other’s hearts most of the problems of the world could and probably would disappear.

It’s simple but true.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

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