Humans in our current amalgamation have been around for over 200,000 years. That’s a lot of generations, rulers, and periods. Which makes it hard for me to believe that we have been so spiritually depleted that entire time. I also find it hard to believe that men have ruled and framed the narrative that entire time. I find it even harder to believe, although I am forced to on this one, that this is the best we’ve come up with as a functional world in all that time.
I’m not angered or upset about this all, I’m more bewildered. Do I want to know what the past held? I’ve talked to other spiritual practitioners and have been told that we were much more spiritually evolved before. That at one point we used our sixth sense routinely and the most advanced of us had literal halo’s around the crowns of our heads. I’m supposing if this was true that this era ended with persecutions, because that’s the human way of dominance and subversion and because we have no history of it, it’s been erased from our conscious minds.
This was my thought process from the simple context of dowries. I was calculating what I had to offer if I got right married now; as far as material gains. Then I got angered at myself for even thinking in those terms. I hate the conditioning of this world.
I vacillate between wanting to prove I can do this all on my own, expressly because it has been made so difficult for me and then just wanting someone at my side to love maddeningly and mutually lean on in this sometimes very severe landscape of smoke and mirrors, trials and tribulations, hardships and glory.*
You know, I’ve grown a lot as a person these last few years. I’ve learned to truly love, depend on and trust myself. It hasn’t been easy and it is still a work in progress but it has been worth it.
I guess I just surrender to the life I am meant to live. Grateful. That’s it. What else is there to be? Can’t expect more from life or to ever be satisfied with anything, ever…..if I can’t find gratitude where I am now. Know what I mean?
And that’s all I’ve got for today.
Happy Halloween!! 🎃🎃🎃
*or…and I don’t like to think this way, but I also contemplate just giving up completely. Just letting go of trying so hard to maintain and build this. Letting it all go to hell if that’s what it wants to do. But then what? Be homeless? Give me ex the kids? Do what? Go where? Walk away? Let it all burn to the ground once and for all instead of battling so hard for it. I don’t know. I’m not there. I don’t know that I want to be there; in that spot of just not caring at all anymore.