The weekend flew by. It’s been years, like 15 years since I’ve had a Monday through Friday job schedule. That doesn’t mean I haven’t put in 40+ hour weeks. It’s just that working for myself has no real timeframe. I usually work every day, so there is no set days off. I much prefer it that way because it’s a lot of pressure to do everything one has to do: chores, errands, family obligations and fun solely in two days.
I much prefer having the option of doing these things in between clients and busywork; interspersed throughout the week. Plus everything, every store is super busy on weekends with everyone else doing the same thing. I thought I’d avoid the crowds shopping late today; Sunday evening, but no such luck.
But my house is clean. I hope all the measures I’ve taken have finally assisted with the flea issue. Doing things holistically sometimes means an awful lot more effort. I could have just bombed the house and been done with it. It would have been easier…… but no…… no…. I can’t. And while some natural products work better than others I have to weight all the potential side effects and how they affect all parties: the kids, the cats, the dog, me. We all have different tolerances and sensitivities.
But I’m showered. My last blanket is in the dryer and as soon as that’s finished I’m going to bed. I think I’ll sleep like a Mexican baby at a party.
I haven’t been struggling so much with the break up with Brad this time around. I can’t say what changed or why. I think, with my life how it is, that I don’t have energy for the drama anymore. So this will give me the time I need to get all the matters taken care of that I need to. He was a nice distraction from my issues. Sex was at times phenomenal. But…… it serves no purpose to hold on to things that have slipped away. For better or worse it’s gone and I must move on.
I don’t have any plans to entertain suitors at this time. Zero. Someone extraordinary would have enter my stratosphere and then pursue me vigorously for me to probably even notice. Lol. Love for me right now is simply not on the agenda.
I was thinking today that I still would very much enjoy being the one to propose to someone. To feel like I absolutely can’t live without them and place my vulnerability on the line for them and give them the greatest possession I own: my grandmother’s self-bought wedding ring. But I can barely imagine it.
For that to happen there would have to be no red flags, no doubts, no fear, no apprehension whatsoever. And in matters of love how often is that; especially coming from where I am.
I don’t know. I can’t say. It isn’t something I can plan out. So I’m letting it go. Life will decide who it brings into my world. Here’s to hoping for some beautiful miracles.
Meanwhile I need to get all my ducks in a line. I have pressing matters to attend to over the next month. Things that will be pivotal to our stability and future.
Then my mom is coming for Thanksgiving. I’m excited. I’m not actually sure why though. I love the woman dearly, but she’s a pain in the ass and whenever she leaves I’m so thrilled she is gone. Family is family though. That means something to me, even if she can be fairly unbearable: critical, morbid, unhelpful, on and on.
But as I see it…. I wasn’t given a choice in the matter and if I was….oh well ….I have no one to blame either way. She is who she is. I’ve accepted that and I love her, irregardless. I really do. I never stop loving someone I’ve loved. I don’t know how to turn that off. I don’t know how to evict them from my heart. No one ever taught me that trick and I’m ok with that; even if it’s sometimes to my own detriment.
I’ve been accused of loving too much, but I don’t find that to be true. I go in with eyes wide open. In this case I know she is going to hurt me. I know I will have pains to endure. It’s part of our dynamic. I have changed as much of it as I could. I don’t expect her to grow or meet me in the middle. But I do leave that space for her in the hope that she will one day see I’ve tried. And that is enough for me. Because I’m one of the few people she has and I’m not abandoning her; plus in our own way we both still need each other.
Her version of love may be skewed and selfish but it’s the only version she knows. So how can I blame her? I can’t. This is the best she has. That’s all I can ask of her and that’s all she can give.
Goodnight sweet world. May tomorrow be a better place for everyone. 🙏🏽💖💋🥰🤗