There have times in my life were I have crumbled to my knees in a sobbing, gasping, heaping mess feeling weak and helpless; completely lost to it all…. and then there have been times when I feel like an actual bonafide force of nature.
There have been times I have had felt like the waters parted and everything cosmically aligned. Yet there have been times that no matter how much I tried and tried, the outcome was disastrous. There really is not a lot of way to know about these things beforehand. So much of life is out of one’s control.
I had so much fun the other night at the sex club. One moment stands out above all of it though and it didn’t even involve sex. Brad and I were in the open sex rooms with a small crowd of people watching two separate couples have sex. I actually like to watch the people watching more sometimes. I like to see the dynamics of them. Watching the watchers if you may. I was up with my back against the wall and Brad was kissing me as I danced and gazed at the crowd.
He was getting very turned on. He took it upon himself to start to pull down my dress straps and I started feeling like part of the show. It angered me, so I pushed him away and stormed off without a word, a moment of hesitation, or a look back. I walked past the other rooms, through the lounge area and past the bar heading downstairs with no real endgame in mind.
But the force with which I walked that walk was epic. I felt like I owned myself, I owned the room, I owned every pair of eyes there at that moment. The few people in my path jumped out of my way with a look of shock and awe and almost reverentially.
The power I felt coursing through my veins was so magnificent. He of course came trailing after me and caught me on the stairs and I pulled him into me and we kissed passionately. That’s when I pulled him by the belt buckle into a room. He was putty in my hands.
This all may seem trivial and silly maybe. But in that moment I simply needed to take back my power. The one I was literally feeling stripped of (although I know he meant only fun by it). I was not having it though and instead of protesting or discussing it or what have you I simply regained it for myself and it felt so powerful. And this is a life lesson I need to keep remembering. 😉
Faith is an interesting thing. It’s probably the hardest yet easiest thing one can do. Faith doesn’t necessitate any specific deeds. You don’t train for it. You don’t need a degree for it. You don’t need to sweat for it. You don’t need to demonstrate it or prove it anyone to have it. You don’t need to have it on display for it to be real.
It is something completely internal to oneself and ones mindset and heart and because of that it may then seem relatively easy. But that could not be farther from the truth. Because usually what one has faith is in something that is not tangible, not measurable, and not observable and provable. And this is the case no matter what one chooses to have faith in.
The instances in my life where everything flowed so seemless and seemingly perfect have, not always, but usually been marked by either me letting the world be as it is and not having any expectations, bitterness or apprehension. Instances where I was simply letting whatever came come in whatever format it wanted to and had deep acceptance, appreciation and even just general curiosity about it.
Times where I held no judgement and just let life play out. These have been times when I let all the background chatter of my mind go and was simply fully present in the now with no ulterior anything. Like a blank slate waiting for life to color on.
There is that juxtaposition of do you grab life by the balls and wield it to your desire and needs or do you let it all be however it plays out. I vacillate so much in this. But I’m sensing that in and of itself is all just part of the natural ebb and flow of life and that it’s all ok. It really is.