I want it all

My mother, much unlike me, is a very money centric person. We have a huge disconnect there because she sees her mentality as logical. She sees my heart centric mentality as not only completely nonsensical but as actually detrimental. I suppose when you value the things she does then from her point that would be valid. But when you look at things as I do then I in turn see her values as superficial, self-absorbed and detrimental. Who is right?

Who knows? To live in this world we seem to need the things money provides. I know she does (mostly) have my best interest at heart. I don’t expect her to change to see things my way, and she has finally has learned not to expect the same from me. I just wish she understood me better even if she will never truly appreciate my principals. It makes me so sad that she doesn’t.

She asked me….”why can’t you just use Brad for money and sex?”.

It reminds me of the conversation I’ve been thinking a lot about recently that I had with my dad about 30 years ago. I said something to the effect of “the way I see it everyone just uses everyone” and he thought for a moment and said “you’re right, but the difference is in the intention”. There’s more to it than that of course but…….

To answer her question, I just can’t. I remember placing an add on Craigslist a while back looking for a sugar daddy. I was asking for a very high monthly stipend. It obviously never materialized, but the point is….

I do truly enjoy clear cut transactions, bartering, exchanges, etc. They work great for me because they can set boundaries and clear expectations. But when I love I give it all and I want it all in return and if I care about someone I don’t want to just half ass it.

Now…..I have had long-term exclusive lovers before. Where it was just sex, maybe a lunch or something very sporadically. But never was it ever going to go beyond that. It had very clear parameters.

But things are just too murky with Brad. When things are great they are so good and of course we both want it to be like that always and then when things go south…..which they do far too often…… we both seem ready to walk away. Can we just trim it down to a quid-pro-quo situation? I don’t think so. I really don’t.

And I want it all. I really do. Foolish, far too idealistic, naive, overly romantic girl that I am. I don’t know if all the stars will align. But it’s this thought that most gives me breath of life and if you take that away……..so much of this all will seem completely hopeless, pointless and far to sad to even think about.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

60 thoughts on “I want it all”

    1. I can’t. I’m sorry. I don’t have the money to travel. That is a lifelong dream of mine to have the ability to travel and see the beauty of the world first hand. But it hasn’t been my luck


      1. I have not told them about you but if I go I will.

        I don’t know about marriage. I won’t say no or yes. I’m going with the flow of life. It’s part of the joy.


  1. hi Macy,
    Macy you know if you want to feel you can feel me.
    anyways if you are not Intrested its ok. We can be good friends forever.
    and my love for you never ends.
    You are one one my life achivements. Dont worry i cant forget you. i will not merry now with anyone. you are my first and last love. Love happens once in life. no again and again. If you wish we can be in touch for all life as a very good friends. just share your feelings soorow dont give your joy to me just give your sad moments. we can share our feelings. and touch for a body is only body love which is called sex and i am not in touch with you for sex. i can do it anywhere where i will pay.
    i dont think sex with you . I just love you True Love.
    if any time you visit to India i will meet you. you are mine. my love my life. My everything its you Macy.
    i love you.
    i love you.

    and my love is same for my,
    Gigi, Tia, Lexi.. i love you all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Such a beautiful sentiment. My life. Yes. That’s what I crave deeply. But……… I am simply living my life one moment at a time. Dealing with life as it is presented to me. I am not there with you. You are not here with me. I can not do long distance because I am hypertactile. I need touch and to touch. My life is volatile.

      They say it only takes 4 seconds to fall in love. But that is something I simply can not do over the internet. I’m sorry.

      I think, as much as I appreciate the attention and devotion, that you’d be better off focusing your attention on someone local there. Some of the most beautiful women in the world are on your continent.


      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol. πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

        They are Gigi 17, Tia 12 and Lexi 7. They are my angels, but like all beings of this Earth, they also present their own challenges. I love them so much. I am so happy to be their mother.

        How old are you?

        Liked by 1 person

    1. You have me an epiphany last night. I often wonder (especially lately because I feel like I’ve really made some drastic fumbles with my life) what does God/divinity want of me.

      But for a split second last night based on what you wrote it occurred to me that it doesn’t matter. I am a manifestation of life in this body and soul experience. So this is MY interpretation of experiential existence. Mine alone. I must blunder my way through based on my own criteria. I have and will continue to make mistakes but they are mine, mine alone to make.

      God/karma/divinity/evil will intervene; inevitably in some instances. But that’s on them. That’s not my prerogative. I only have to concern myself with what I want. My heart, my soul, my mind, my body, even my ego…..it’s mine. And if I can’t do that, then what the heck am I doing here? There should be no guilt with that. Every thought and action will speak for itself and be dealt with by life as it will.

      There is a lot more to see in this for me, but it’s a mild breakthrough. I’m giving myself permission to be me more authenticaly and not trying to guess at what source wants from me. Not always be questioning something I don’t even quite fully comprehend the why to. If that all makes sense.

      Liked by 2 people

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