My mother, much unlike me, is a very money centric person. We have a huge disconnect there because she sees her mentality as logical. She sees my heart centric mentality as not only completely nonsensical but as actually detrimental. I suppose when you value the things she does then from her point that would be valid. But when you look at things as I do then I in turn see her values as superficial, self-absorbed and detrimental. Who is right?
Who knows? To live in this world we seem to need the things money provides. I know she does (mostly) have my best interest at heart. I don’t expect her to change to see things my way, and she has finally has learned not to expect the same from me. I just wish she understood me better even if she will never truly appreciate my principals. It makes me so sad that she doesn’t.
She asked me….”why can’t you just use Brad for money and sex?”.
It reminds me of the conversation I’ve been thinking a lot about recently that I had with my dad about 30 years ago. I said something to the effect of “the way I see it everyone just uses everyone” and he thought for a moment and said “you’re right, but the difference is in the intention”. There’s more to it than that of course but…….
To answer her question, I just can’t. I remember placing an add on Craigslist a while back looking for a sugar daddy. I was asking for a very high monthly stipend. It obviously never materialized, but the point is….
I do truly enjoy clear cut transactions, bartering, exchanges, etc. They work great for me because they can set boundaries and clear expectations. But when I love I give it all and I want it all in return and if I care about someone I don’t want to just half ass it.
Now…..I have had long-term exclusive lovers before. Where it was just sex, maybe a lunch or something very sporadically. But never was it ever going to go beyond that. It had very clear parameters.
But things are just too murky with Brad. When things are great they are so good and of course we both want it to be like that always and then when things go south…..which they do far too often…… we both seem ready to walk away. Can we just trim it down to a quid-pro-quo situation? I don’t think so. I really don’t.
And I want it all. I really do. Foolish, far too idealistic, naive, overly romantic girl that I am. I don’t know if all the stars will align. But it’s this thought that most gives me breath of life and if you take that away……..so much of this all will seem completely hopeless, pointless and far to sad to even think about.