I’m starting to accept my situation. I was so angry and disappointed I couldn’t see that I was maybe overreacting and not thinking things through clearly. Even when it was pointed out to me I still didn’t want to face it. My ego was telling me that if I was going to lose everything that I was going to burn it down (in my mind) as I walked away from it all. Never to return or think about it again.
now that the time is coming to where a resolution will be finalized; either way….for or against me…. I’m not feeling as overwhelmed by it all. I’m feeling like losing my business, my house and all the money I had in the world isn’t the worst thing. In hindsight I wish I would have just gotten my mommy makeover instead, but at the time that seemed such a ridiculously frivolous option. Little did I know how hard the option I chose was.
The truth of the matter is…..my kids are the most important thing in my life. The teenager is thriving here. It is not fair of me to ask her to move away right before her last year. If I couldn’t help it and the destination was far better then sure. But I can help it and I didn’t quite know where we would go anyway.
Moving away from here is not off the table. But staying would be far better for these beings I’ve been put in charge of upbringing.
I was looking at rentals in town and I saw an affordable 3 bedroom house. It would still be financially tight, but it wouldn’t be drowning anymore. I won’t know until next month about the loan mod, but I can’t bet on that and seeing how hard everything has been I don’t have high hopes.
I hate moving and it’s not the beach, but it will not disrupt the teenagers success here and the connections she has made. And that’s so much more important than my bruised ego and temporary heartache.
I used to hate being a kid. I had no control over my life. No one really minded or cared about me all that much. I wanted so much to be an adult. My happiest birthday was my 18th, even though I spent it alone. I was just so thrilled to have complete autonomy and freedom.
But now that I’ve been here quite a while I can’t say it’s really any better. I can’t say that my overall circumstances are much better as an adult. I know a bit more is all. I can make more decisions for myself.
As a child you see the world and it’s full of limitless possibilities and you think as an adult you’ll have the full range of them available to you. But the truth of the matter is that you really don’t.
Adult life seems so full of sacrificing and compromising and settling. I guess that’s all I can see right now. It seems to be how adult life works for most people. It’s not that it’s not fun. Its not that it doesn’t seem rewarding. It’s that it feels stifling and that’s exactly how I used to feel as a kid. So really…..what’s changed?
Not to sound depressing. I’m just starting to realize that I have to work harder at finding true happiness and peace within myself because the world outside isn’t always going to be accommodating and that’s just the way life seems to be. And the sooner I can find Nirvana for myself the better my life will be and that had nothing to do with absolutely anything outside of just me.