Not as angry / adulting

I’m starting to accept my situation. I was so angry and disappointed I couldn’t see that I was maybe overreacting and not thinking things through clearly. Even when it was pointed out to me I still didn’t want to face it. My ego was telling me that if I was going to lose everything that I was going to burn it down (in my mind) as I walked away from it all. Never to return or think about it again.

But…..

now that the time is coming to where a resolution will be finalized; either way….for or against me…. I’m not feeling as overwhelmed by it all. I’m feeling like losing my business, my house and all the money I had in the world isn’t the worst thing. In hindsight I wish I would have just gotten my mommy makeover instead, but at the time that seemed such a ridiculously frivolous option. Little did I know how hard the option I chose was.

Ho hum…..

The truth of the matter is…..my kids are the most important thing in my life. The teenager is thriving here. It is not fair of me to ask her to move away right before her last year. If I couldn’t help it and the destination was far better then sure. But I can help it and I didn’t quite know where we would go anyway.

Moving away from here is not off the table. But staying would be far better for these beings I’ve been put in charge of upbringing.

I was looking at rentals in town and I saw an affordable 3 bedroom house. It would still be financially tight, but it wouldn’t be drowning anymore. I won’t know until next month about the loan mod, but I can’t bet on that and seeing how hard everything has been I don’t have high hopes.

I hate moving and it’s not the beach, but it will not disrupt the teenagers success here and the connections she has made. And that’s so much more important than my bruised ego and temporary heartache.

——

I used to hate being a kid. I had no control over my life. No one really minded or cared about me all that much. I wanted so much to be an adult. My happiest birthday was my 18th, even though I spent it alone. I was just so thrilled to have complete autonomy and freedom.

But now that I’ve been here quite a while I can’t say it’s really any better. I can’t say that my overall circumstances are much better as an adult. I know a bit more is all. I can make more decisions for myself.

As a child you see the world and it’s full of limitless possibilities and you think as an adult you’ll have the full range of them available to you. But the truth of the matter is that you really don’t.

Adult life seems so full of sacrificing and compromising and settling. I guess that’s all I can see right now. It seems to be how adult life works for most people. It’s not that it’s not fun. Its not that it doesn’t seem rewarding. It’s that it feels stifling and that’s exactly how I used to feel as a kid. So really…..what’s changed?

Not to sound depressing. I’m just starting to realize that I have to work harder at finding true happiness and peace within myself because the world outside isn’t always going to be accommodating and that’s just the way life seems to be. And the sooner I can find Nirvana for myself the better my life will be and that had nothing to do with absolutely anything outside of just me.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

8 thoughts on “Not as angry / adulting”

  1. Damn, I’ve missed so much. I’ve got some catching up to do. Anyhoo, I agree, happiness from within is where it’s at!.. I think… I mean, that’s what I’ve heard… Right? But yeah, I’m a firm believer of taking control of and responsibility for your own happiness. Adulting sucks, a big one, but I’m sure everything will work out. And I’m sure eventually, once it does work out, it’ll all be worth it.

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  2. It’s funny that, as children, we can’t wait to be grownups then, when we get there, we wish we weren’t grownups. So much responsibility, so many expectations, way too many fits and starts as we try to cram in a search for our idea of happiness in with all the other stuff adulting mandates and then being unhappy because, at best, our idea of happiness doesn’t hang around long enough even in the best of times and, eventually, learn to settle for what pieces of happiness we can latch onto and wherever we can find it.

    While forgetting or, perhaps, not really knowing, that any sense of happiness begins with ourselves and that if we can’t “stumble” into a happy moment, we have the ability to create them… but only when we can catch a break from the non-stop job of adulting. Having said that, I read somewhere, eons ago, that if you’re happy and content with your life, you’re doing something wrong.

    When I read that, it didn’t make sense given how we’re tasked to find happiness but the longer I thought about it, the more sense it made because life is about challenges, accepting and taking them on while failing or succeeding which explained why a person could have everything they ever wanted to be happy and content and still be miserable as fuck.

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    1. I don’t get it. That runs contrary to my own experiences with inner happiness. One can have complete peace of mind and inner being satiety. The constant pursuit for more is part of what has been destroying the planet. I’m not sure that is justifiable. I think if we challenge ourselves spiritually, mentally, emotionally…..there is benefit there. Because we all have room for growth there.

      But having everything one needs on the physical plain to be happy will never equate to real happiness. Thank God. Really. Because that only reinforces the “evils” of money.

      I’m confused by what you’re saying I guess is what I mean.

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      1. It is confusing, hands down; it took me years to make sense of that statement and I’ll point out that I wasn’t specifically talking about inner happiness or planetary woes… and woes that exist because we’re human.

        That’s a whole different discussion. The gist of things is that happiness, just like all other things in life, just doesn’t happen – we have to go looking for it in ourselves and from external sources and is, indeed, one of the challenges we face and are tasked with. We hold true that we first must be happy with ourselves and that’s usually on of the biggest challenges because there’s what we think will give us that inner happiness and then there’s more often than not some harsh reality involved. So we rethink it, readjust, whatever, and keep it moving… but what happens when our criteria for happiness – and all that this means – is met? Now what? Why does someone who has all the happiness they wanted wind up being miserable and, thus, back to being unhappy?

        Because the drive, the motivation and even challenge to pursue happiness isn’t happening – it just “stops” right there and what I took away from that confusing statement was that if you have no challenges, no further motivation to be even happier and maybe even think that your current state of happiness is set for the rest of whatever, you have nothing at all.

        But when you’re sitting and thinking, “What else can I do to be happy?” then the challenge remains and we are engaged in it and this is a good thing because we remain dynamic in our existence instead of becoming static, unmoving, unchanging.

        I’m a happy camper but the real truth is I’m not; what do I want or need to keep up the pursuit of happiness and in its many forms? Happiness is waking up every day and facing things that may or may not lend itself to any sense of continued happiness. Happiness is me sitting down and playing a game that’s making me unhappy because it keeps kicking my ass. Happiness is sitting and watching my lady riffing about a lot of nothing in particular – which makes me very unhappy – but I’m happy that I can sit and listen and watch someone going through this and in their own pursuit of their idea of happiness.

        I’m happy that I’ve experienced the things I have in life to date and unhappy about a lot of those things I’ve experienced… but happy that I still have the drive and motivation to keep pursuing happiness in those many forms.

        Without the challenge in this, what would my life mean? What would it be like? And if/when I am unhappy about anything, what can I do to change that because I sure as hell don’t like being unhappy… but it makes me happy not to be content, to be motivated and challenged.

        I can’t make the world happy… but I can make myself happy and, hopefully, make those around me happy… so I don’t try to impose happiness on the world as a whole or, admittedly, make myself unhappy over things I can’t do anything about because it’s a futile effort.

        Really, if I could make the world a happier place to exist in, I would have done it already and a very long time ago. In lieu of this, I’m happy to keep making myself happy and if it spreads to others, that’s great.

        It’s just that when we adult, happiness – inner or otherwise – is elusive, hard to hold onto, stuff like that; we wind up fretting over stuff that is, more often than not, beyond our ability to control and that blunts our pursuit of happiness, inner or otherwise and it’s not until we reach a moment of almost pure unhappiness that we realize that adulting also means and includes the constant pursuit of making ourselves as happy as we can humanly manage.

        Without that drive, challenge and motivation, what do we really have? It’s the difference between living and merely existing – and that’s something that should make every- and anyone very unhappy.

        Seeking spiritual happiness is a challenge; we either achieve it or we don’t and more so when this means different things to everyone; to some, it’s everything but to others, eh, not so much. Am I spiritually happy? I really don’t know… but I don’t feel unhappy so I guess that’s something to be happy about.

        Now, the real bugaboo is to define “real happiness.” Ask 10 people, get 10 different answers… because humans are like this, always has been, always will be. The challenge, of course, is to find out what this means to you, isn’t it, and with the sure knowledge and understanding that this is gonna be totally unique to you.

        The evils of money. Yep, know all about it just like we all know it’s a necessary evil; we don’t have to like it, we just gotta deal with it. Would our existence be happier without it? Possibly… but you can bet whatever you want to that there will be more unhappy people raising all kinds of hell if money, the root of all evil, were to vanish ten minutes from now. You think the world is chaotic now? Bummed out because humans are so flawed and materialistic? Join the party… and welcome to the world as we know it.

        Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to find whatever happiness you can amidst the chaos of the world around us and if you don’t accept this mission, don’t take on the challenge of discovering more happiness, and are just content with things as they are, what are you really doing? Living… or merely existing?

        Thus, if you’re happy and content with things, you are,in fact, doing something wrong. It’s the bane of our existence, this constant pursuit of happiness and the good thing, as strange as it seems, is that we, on the whole, haven’t found it and we’re not content with that… so we keep pursuing it and each in their own way.

        Now it’s just a matter of whether that unique pursuit is actually doable and achievable. And adulting, not to lose sight of the main topic, is a part of that pursuit.

        Then there’s this: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.”

        I, like so many others, live by this and, yep, that makes me quite happy spiritually and more so because I know the difference, you know, having had to learn it.

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      2. I love the serenity prayer and to me seeking serenity is indeed one or my highest goals. But and I think this is where we agree here…..it can be elusive and hard to attain. But that gives me happiness, having leave of mind and contentment no matter where I am or what I am doing. Except the things themselves that have to be done aren’t necessarily in and of themselves enjoyable (like cleaning up the dog pee in the hallway this morning). Things that still must be done that don’t in and of themselves cause happiness or a sense of being centered and one with life. But here I am and so I will try to find contentment with it none the less and that is my challenge and rising to it is all I aim to do. I aim to try to do all things with love or a happy heart….. because that makes it all enjoyable, and therein lies my challenge and my victory. If that all makes sense and stays on topic. Lol

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      3. Many of us learn the “happiness lesson” in differing ways, take differing paths, find differing “solutions” for when happiness eludes us or is about to slip through our fingers and we’ll accept any form of happiness that isn’t a whole lot of unhappiness and adulting, wow, it can make us quite unhappy while making us happy.

        Hard to find happiness in cleaning the cat’s litter box or some other mundane task but we can be happy about taking on that mundane task and completing it. Getting the kids up for school, making sure they have everything they need to start their day… never made me happy… but adulting + parenthood = an odd sense of happiness as well even if it’s getting them out of our hair so we can move on to the next task on our list of things to do.

        We accept these challenges and do what we gotta do… and find happiness in the doing to be fulfilling a purpose and doing the best we can with what we have to work with… and we find that we need some measure of inner peace/happiness to keep us grounded and as equal to the tasks and challenges before us.

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      4. I find that I don’t need a reason to be content most of the time. I can just be. It’s having sometimes to remind myself that it isn’t situational. That it’s always an option that is the hard part… sometimes.

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