Something that really irritates me about myself is my childhood trauma, but not in the way you’d think. Not so much that it happened as much as the illogical and overemotional episodes it can still throw me into. I feel so lost to it. I recognize that a great part of our reactions as humans are based on subconscious teachings from our youth and these can’t just be easily switched off.
I see this behavior come out the most when I’m in a triggering situation. Like when someone is making fun of me in a hurtful and spiteful way about something I already have self doubts about. But since that generally doesn’t happen very much….. where it most plays out is in my relationships with men.
If they put me in a situation where I feel abandoned, neglected or undesired it triggers such a massive panic filled anxiety attack that I can react crazily. The worst part is that I can see it. I can logically understand that my reaction is categorically and completely irrational and yet I feel powerless over the intense emotions of it.
It doesn’t even matter if the slight is intentional or unintentional. The avalanche of torrential feelings hits me up sideways and I am compelled to respond in a usually very immature and unhealthy way. I can state example after example of this and the deeper my emotions are for the man the more daft my reactions can be.
It is always a reaction though. So maybe if I could get control of my emotions and just chill, understand I am responding to this exactly as I did when a child and give myself the time and space to sit with these intense feelings, and see them for the coping skills they were then, and figure out new responses if any at all are even needed; instead of just lashing out at the person who caused these intense feelings. That would be the “woke” thing to do. But am I there yet?
It reminds me of when I was learning how to stop my severe and debilitating depression. It was a hard journey. I’m not gonna lie. It took intense vigilance over my own thoughts and self talk. It took looking at what I was focusing on and where my mind went and having to redirect it over and over and over and over until it became second nature. It took so long and I took many steps back along the way.
First I would try to stop myself after the thought and reaction and say “ok, maybe next time I can look at it this way and react such and such way instead”. Very gradually I started catching myself while reacting and then slowly before reacting. Then I started catching myself mid thought. Then before the negative thought came in when I could sense a trigger coming at me. And now I can spot my depression, depressive reactions and thoughts a mile a way.
And it doesn’t have power over my life and control over my mind and actions like it used to. It was absolutely not easy. But it was unquestionably worth all the effort and I know with no doubt at all I would be dead had I not relearned how to cope with life.
So I have a few choices here, I suppose. 1) I completely write off all relationships. 2) I work on this and hit it head on. 3) I let the situation keep being what it is and dragging me down to this highly triggered level of stupefying anxiety with little control over my assinine behavior.
Why is life so damn complicated?
How about 4) I find a man who loves me deeply and understands me so well that he doesn’t trigger me or when he does he can help work through it with me?
Don’t ask me why that seems laughably impossible, but I guess it speaks more about my own jaded musings than anything. Ho hum.
Mind you….. this is all because of some minor thing Brad did tonight. It’s so trivial I don’t even think I want to mention it. But my reaction was to think to myself “maybe I should ghost him”. Which is hysterical, really. I’ve never ghosted anyone in my life, unless you count online conversations with people you don’t even really know and barely engaged with to begin. Never have I done it to someone I actually knew or had any emotional attachments to. I try to be honest and respectful and treat people as I like to be treated and ghosting is absolutely not it.
So how then did I even come to that conclusion to think I could do it. Why? Well…. because relationships are too damn complicated and I have so much on my plate and do I need more to worry about? Do I need more projects? Do I need to deal with this right now? If not now when I suppose? But this is all seeming like a massive pile up accident on the freeway of my life and I can’t afford my stress level to go up or any more relationship fatalities. Can I?
How many times must I go through this? I guess that’s why ghosting seemed plausible. Ugghhhhhh
Is it me? Is it him? Would it be the same with anyone? Hard to say but my gut says probably so. All I really know for a fact right now is that I have to get to sleep and I’ll be super busy all week so I won’t have to think about this anymore. Thankfully. Because it’s a lot and there are so many more important things to worry about? Right?