A huge part of our social makeup as human beings is not just receiving the benefits of communal living: infrastructure, creature comforts, societal stability, sharing of resources, protection, etc. it’s also being able to contribute to it and help others. We are lost without that very crucial part of our existence. It’s what helps us feel like we belong, like we are of value.
Fortunately I’m not a keeping score type of person. But I can see why people can become like that. I can see how bitter life can make one. I’m not saying that stance is wrong as much as that it simply isn’t conducive to a happy life and healthy living.
But at the same time I can clearly see right now how my receiving and giving has been very wonky. Life isn’t about reciprocity or overall balance. It can’t be measured in fairness or equanimity. This is just the truth of the matter. We don’t have to attach sentiment to it.
I want my life to flow smoothly. I want my transactions to flow like an infinity symbol……
except I know that it won’t necessarily always be even sided. Some epochs of my life will be more giving and others more receiving. The measurements are tallied at the end so there is no way to know how it will go and it isn’t my job to monitor that.
I am striving I guess, for myself, to be more gracious anf fluid in both in my giving and receiving. I want to be more generous of myself because I know that while sometimes I do feel depleted helping others, mostly it also finds a way of benefitting me. I see something more clearly. I learn something. I feel or experience something unexpected in return. So there is absolutely no reason to not help others. At least that has been my experience and that’s the stance I want to take. Give more; appreciate the act of giving for the blessing it is.
I understand that people like to do this whole comraderie thing. We like to bond over sports, common: enemies/hero’s, interests, hobbies, lifestyles, backgrounds, etc. I get it. I do. But intrinsically I also understand how we are all so deeply connected and intertwined with each other already and in this experience of life… and that all those other things aren’t really necessary to form a bond.
Yesterday I saw Max. He had gotten run over and has had a slow recovery. In the short time I spent with him he was able to make some great strides in his rehab. I was happy if my presence inspired and helped him. But the part that most struck me was when we looked into each other’s eyes and without a single word or gesture I could clearly see the pain he has been enduring and I could also sense that he understood mine.
What was maybe 20 seconds of eye contact had so much depth and emotion to it. There was a deep sense of understanding that goes beyond commonalities and superficialities. A depth of understanding that went directly soul to soul.
That’s what we are capable of (as sentient beings) and yet we walk around pretending we need more. This is one reason I am not fond of small talk. It reinforces an attempt where no attempt is necessary, but I still do get it.
I was racking my brain trying to think of what my ideal situation would be come Christmas. I mean sure: winning the lottery, beach house, marrying Brad Pitt, I could create a wonderful dreamscape. The reality is I would be thrilled to just have financial ease plus health and happiness for myself and my children. Anything else would just be gravy.
I had a dream I worked in a clinic of some sort with all these other women and I had formed some lovely bonds with them and we were all thriving. So much so that I was going to go from having one open system to a second closed system room as well. I was super excited. I remember I would say to one of my coworkers “hey beautiful” and then she would say it back and even though we meant it lovingly we both knew we had physical insecurities that no amount of “hey beautiful”s was going to solve. Yet that simple show of support for each other meant a lot.
Over the last few years I have been offered money from men several times. A few hundred just to spend time with them and also out of sheer generosity and up to $500 for more. I also just had two men ask me about pro-Domming this week on FetLife. I kind of got it out of my head I was going to be doing that. Lol But it would be so much fun and extra money. I suppose I could do it at Privata and it would be safer than a hotel/motel. We could even open the drapes and let people watch. I did so enjoy public femdom displays.
We shall see. These things don’t tend to happen organically. It’s kind of exciting, but I do like very clearly defined parameters. Suppose it can just start with dinner first. Lol. I’ll keep you posted. 🤪