Last year was so much fun. I wasn’t stressed out. I had a boyfriend, business was picking up, I had financial assistance so I was feeling secure. I even splurged on holiday cards with our photo on them. I still thought Brad and I were marriage bound. All in all, it was fairly magical.
Stark contrast to this year already. No boy, one of my three is having some serious health problems which have me formally trying to pull her out of school to have her home full-time. Since she is barely making it there anyway. The out of network Brain Injury specialist (Chiropractor) wants $3k to do a 2 week aggressive treatment of exercises and therapy. The in network specialist can find nothing wrong, although they haven’t done any brain imaging.
It’s very frustrating as a parent to not be able to help your child when they are expressing distress.
Then we have my finances. This will not be a Christmas with so many presents under the tree you can barely walk around it. We may not even be able to have a tree if we need to move during the break.
So when I told my therapist yesterday that I am officially depressed she pretty much agreed with me that it was situational and that I had every right to be. Then encouraged me to exercise. Which I want to do. I just don’t. I like having a routine. I will incorporate one, soon. It’s on the to-do list. But I’m not going to stress over it, even though I know it will add tremendous benefit to my life and mood and overall vitality.
I know I haven’t made it the priority I should. I will. Soon. I really do want to do it; to prove to myself and her that I can take care of myself. I’ll have to figure out a way to make it challenging though. I like the gym and yoga because I get inspired by others. But alone is much harder for me. I get bored so easily.
Now that my taxes are finally done and that weight is off my shoulders….. and once the child is officially home…… I’ll start her on a few routines to see if I can help her situation. I’ll bring out the arsenal of healing techniques I’ve learned this last year too…..put her on a protocol….. and see if we can realign her. We will get to the bottom of this. It’s just going to take some work. But if there is one thing I am all in on in this life….. it’s definitely these kiddos.
I hope one day they can forgive me my inadequacies as a mother. I love them maddeningly and I’m trying my damn best and hopefully that’s good enough to help them succeed in life. Not to the standards set by society, but by their own standards and a bit by mine (of course😉). The standards of living a happy, healthy, heart-centered life with true purpose and authenticity. Maybe outlandish and naive to some but more important than all the riches of the world by mine. Let’s see how they fare, shall we.
I’m glad I still wake up happy to be here. I’m glad I get to watch them grow up and be a part of their world. I hope one day to be blessed with many grandchildren. But until then I’ve still got a lot of living to do.
So let’s start this day…..shall we?