Last night was hard. I wanted to finish my way through that box of chocolates. I wanted to call Brad. I wanted to go drinking. I wanted anything that would take me out of myself, even if just momentarily. Instead I went to bed early and just laid there thinking and crying. I wasn’t trying to steer my mind in any one direction. I wasn’t trying to make sense of any of it. I was just watching my thoughts, as if they weren’t even my own.
I wasn’t latching on to them. When one left and another came I bid it farewell and welcomed the next. For hours I did this, until I felt settled enough and tired enough to sleep. I did reward myself with an orgasm first though. Because um yea…. yummy and helped me sleep better.
And I woke up not feeling as heavy, not as emotional, not as lost.
It wasn’t easy, hence the tears. But it also wasn’t that hard. The hardest part was not going into my unhealthy coping skills. But once I let that go and settled into acceptance of whatever was going to show up it was ok. I allowed myself all the time I needed to just sit with myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my self doubt, my defeatism, my hope, as I kept calling divinity for help, to provide comfort, clarity, resolution.
Somehow I came out of it emotionally unscathed and more clear-headed. Although absolutely nothing was done. Like literally nothing. Yet here we are.
For one night I conquered myself by just letting myself sit still with it all. Maybe I just developed a new coping mechanism, unbeknown to me before. It’s one of those it’s just way too easy to work, and yet it works things.
It’s funny because I witness people tell me their truths and it had never occured to me to do it for myself. To consciously hold a safe space for myself to outpour whatever needs to be heard and seen. Granted it was nothing earth shattering, nothing new that I could see.
Well. That’s not entirely true. There was one revelation I have been too proud and stubborn to admit to myself….. but I’m not gonna spill it….sorry. But if you’ve been following me a bit you can probably guess what it is anyway. I’m sure.
No matter. Although it did surprise me how much emotion I have been hiding from myself. Just when I think I’m figuring it all out (well….. at least within myself), nope….. still got work to do. lol 🤷🏽♀️
Such is life.