Feeling so lost in a world I don’t even comprehend.
You peel back illusions to be confronted with more illusions and more games and more shadows and darkness. I suppose that’s the way of this life. It’s probably not escapable.
And while I know forward is the only way out I’m feeling very stagnant right now. Struggling with my own numbness and paralysis. I want to run away from it all. That’s what my mind is screaming at me. Yet I stay. I’m just sitting with it. It reminds me of a client that does all these acrobatics on the colonic equipment and she makes me laugh so hard. Because she says “it feels like I’m sitting in my own shit”. And I totally understand how she feels right now.
I’m probably allowing myself too much leniency, but there isn’t any fire under my ass. I went to sleep without dinner last night. I also bought a pound of See’s chocolates that I’m almost through. It’s fine. It’s all fine. I’m not as much trying to cope as trying to find my strength. Wonder if it’s at the bottom of that pint of ice cream I bought. I should go check.
My ass is really going to hate me if I don’t reel this in.
I’m not feeling safe in the world. This is not new. I was in denial about it. The realization is all that’s new and I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to do with that information now. The world isn’t going to snap to by my will alone. I need to focus and figure this out. Don’t I?
Maybe I need to do something drastic. Maybe I should try fasting. I’ll fast tomorrow to start. Maybe add in the parasite cleanse I delayed. Maybe try a master cleanse type thing. That sounds like a plan. Something to take some control over my life. It isn’t much but it’s a start.
Spirituality is a complex thing. Wherever you are is where you start and where you put your energy and time is the road you go down. There isn’t a right or wrong an up or down a good or bad. Because all ways will have their own form of heartache, difficulties, blessings and accomplishments. All ways will be rife with lessons and opportunities. All ways will give you ample ways to prove who you truly are and what you’re really made of.
And right where you are is where you’re meant to be…..right? Or you wouldn’t be there. It’s about as much logic as I can put to a life that often feels devoid of meaning.