Aching

Feeling so lost in a world I don’t even comprehend.

You peel back illusions to be confronted with more illusions and more games and more shadows and darkness. I suppose that’s the way of this life. It’s probably not escapable.

And while I know forward is the only way out I’m feeling very stagnant right now. Struggling with my own numbness and paralysis. I want to run away from it all. That’s what my mind is screaming at me. Yet I stay. I’m just sitting with it. It reminds me of a client that does all these acrobatics on the colonic equipment and she makes me laugh so hard. Because she says “it feels like I’m sitting in my own shit”. And I totally understand how she feels right now.

I’m probably allowing myself too much leniency, but there isn’t any fire under my ass. I went to sleep without dinner last night. I also bought a pound of See’s chocolates that I’m almost through. It’s fine. It’s all fine. I’m not as much trying to cope as trying to find my strength. Wonder if it’s at the bottom of that pint of ice cream I bought. I should go check.

My ass is really going to hate me if I don’t reel this in.

I’m not feeling safe in the world. This is not new. I was in denial about it. The realization is all that’s new and I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to do with that information now. The world isn’t going to snap to by my will alone. I need to focus and figure this out. Don’t I?

Maybe I need to do something drastic. Maybe I should try fasting. I’ll fast tomorrow to start. Maybe add in the parasite cleanse I delayed. Maybe try a master cleanse type thing. That sounds like a plan. Something to take some control over my life. It isn’t much but it’s a start.

Spirituality is a complex thing. Wherever you are is where you start and where you put your energy and time is the road you go down. There isn’t a right or wrong an up or down a good or bad. Because all ways will have their own form of heartache, difficulties, blessings and accomplishments. All ways will be rife with lessons and opportunities. All ways will give you ample ways to prove who you truly are and what you’re really made of.

And right where you are is where you’re meant to be…..right? Or you wouldn’t be there. It’s about as much logic as I can put to a life that often feels devoid of meaning.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

4 thoughts on “Aching”

  1. There was a line in the movie, “Buckaroo Banzai” that, once I heard it, has stuck with me ever since… after I made sense of it. The line was, “No matter where you go, there you are!” and, upon hearing this seemingly non sequitur I said, “Huh? What? What’s that supposed to mean?” Took me a long time to wrap my head around it and in context of the portion of the movie in which the line was uttered by Peter Heller (as Buckaroo Banzai).

    Then, on my way home from work one day, it hit me like an epiphany; there were early reports of a major traffic jam southbound on the interstate and others were riffing about it but someone asked me why I didn’t seem to be concerned about it and I told them, once we walked out of the building, “I’m already where I want to be…” and went on to explain why playing in the traffic didn’t bother me as much as it does other people.

    I got it in that moment. Nothing really logical about it but more of a matter of fact – it’s where you are, nothing more, nothing less and if anything makes a difference, it’s what you’re doing – or not – wherever you happen to be. But the key thing, the one constant in any equation is you: You’re there and, yup, no matter where you go, there you are.

    Then it becomes a “now what” kind of thing. Sometimes, you’re just… there; no purpose, no reason that really makes any sense but you’re in the moment and, even if only for a scant few seconds, living in the now of things. Not thinking about what you’re gonna do next or what you’ve already done. Not playing the “what if” game with yourself.

    Just there. In the moment and one that sometimes makes you ask, “What was I doing (or about to do)?” and while one can chalk that up to a lapse in memory, that’s not always the case; you find yourself… there and it’s not that bad of a place but it could feel that way because we’re so used to always doing something in every moment and it led to me coming up with the notion that sometimes, doing absolutely nothing but being in the moment is the thing to be done.

    Some crazy shit, huh?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love it. Makes perfect sense.

      I understand completely.

      I just had such an epiphany a little bit ago. I started my fast today and I was thinking boy I’d love to go to the bar tonight and just get plastered and gamble and forget all about all the things I’m feeling. But that won’t make them go away and that doesn’t fit into the “fasting/saving money” program I’m trying to follow through on….for now.

      Better thing to do is to sit with it. Just let myself sit with all the emotions coming up right now. Let myself cry. Let myself wallow in bed. Let it all come out and just face it all head on instead of using evasive tactics and stuffing it all down.

      This is where I am. No one said it would always be pretty or enjoyable. But I want truth. Truth isn’t always super palatable. But it is and if I want to live it I’ve got to see it, acknowledge it and understand it before I can figure out what the hell to do about it….if anything at all.

      That’s all there is to it. Ridiculously easy to say, extraordinarily difficult to do.

      Like

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