I didn’t answer my phone this morning. It was as simple as that. Its something I rarely do. Since my phone is my lifeline for work I always answer it, if I can. Today, I stared down at it and declined it for no good reason other than I didn’t want to answer it.
This week has been really difficult. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve slept a lot. I’ve eaten a lot of simple sugars. Break up, period, quitting that job, spiritual boundaries moving, deep emotions unlocking. It’s been super intense. Consequently, I’ve been walking around in this haze of feeling extraordinarily weak and vulnerable and then also going through waves of bitter pain. But through this I can see a glimmer, ever so faint, that what I’ve lost and given away is coming back to me…… my power. My strength.
I have given so much of myself away. I have been squelching so many of my emotions for so long that my strength was only coming out palliative as needed…. situationally, like a bandaid. Instead of being strong within myself completely on my own in all circumstances. I let my inner light dim. I hid it away out of fear, out of desperation, out of pain.
I did what I had to do, but that was then and this is now. This strength that is manifesting itself out of the ashes of deep sadness and raging anger, this power that is feeling it’s way back to me…..it doesn’t provide easy answers or tell me which way to go more clearly. But it does provide the push, the drive to keep going forward. It provides the brawn to be more authentic, more vulnerable, more myself, more at peace with my own decisions. It puts me more deeply in touch with myself, with my true being.
I’m not out of the woods. I’m still not sure where all this is going. I’m still processing through all that is within this chasm I built to hide in. This whole thing isn’t easy to go through and I’m not even close to done with it all. I can see why people don’t walk through the fire like this. I can see how comfortable I was in my oblivion. But that can no longer be me. The time has come for the next phase of being. The time has come for more authentic being, more walking in my truth. We shall see what that ends up being and where it ends up taking me. Pull up a chair, I’ll put on some chai tea. 💋❣️🙏🏽