Given the entanglement of it, and choice…… most people would probably prefer to avoid the entire thing. But, I do find the stages of it illuminating and comforting. Like giving oneself permission to feel crappy and to feel all the feels associated with it, no matter how unsettling they can be.
I remember when we first moved to Oregon I put up a stages of grieving chart on the fridge and told the girls that while moving was partly exciting; they were also allowed to grieve leaving behind all they knew and loved before. It helped them and me process the transition.
I was thinking about this this morning because I am wary to start grieving Brad and I’s break up. I want to. I need to. It’s an important part to the whole process of uncoupling. Yet, I haven’t started yet. I suppose that may be its own form of denial; which would point to me indeed starting the process. Lol
Like I said……it’s a strange matter altogether. I miss him. That part is unequivocally true. I was asking myself this morning thinking of all of this “do I miss him for him, out of boredom, or for all the things he did for me?”. Me in my quest to be ever transparent, especially with myself. I realized I truly do miss him for him. That was a very comforting thought, even if the fact remains that it was just too difficult to sustain….for both of us.
For the first time in my life I am happy to be single during the holidays. I’m happy to not have to deal with anything or anyone outside my current world. I’m happy for the peace, even if comes with some boredom. It’s a new stance. Generally the holidays make me a bit sentimental and lonely, but this year it’s just another season of my life. And that’s it.
It’s refreshing to not put any pressure on myself and just go with the flow. It’s my favorite way to live. Carefree; at least…. within myself. The world will keep doing as it will. I’m gonna put some popcorn on and just watch the spectacle unravel with my flow chart in hand. 😉🤪🎃