I have four prominent men in my life. One I can’t get away from, one that seems too difficult. Then there’s the mighty one in charge of the entire nation and lastly my very absent father. To say I am tired of all of them and their bullshit lies and justifications for current and past behavior; those actions that are childish and narcissistic is an understatement. To say I am tired of living in their alternate version of reality is also a maddeningly gross underplaying of the situation.
I have absolutely had it with all of them and yet…….. who else do I have to turn to? It seems that I can choose between the government and the three stooges or the abyss of the yet unknown and unseen. Right now I’m not sure which is better or worse.
When I was growing up I learned to distrust women. It started with my own mother and progressed to every other female relationship; friends, family, strangers. Women, historically power deprived, fought each other for the little respect, attention and priviledge we could get. Often being pitted against each other, other men or even just hating each other in the process. I grew up knowing to keep my distance, emotionally, from all women.
Things have been changing systematically. Women have gained more power and have softened with each other. We have given each other more grace to not have to hold up stereotypes and false illusions of “true womanhood” and given each other more room to be ourselves and be appreciated for the intricacies of who that person is. Without having to play it the men’s way because we are not men. We have our own wonderful traits and perspectives that are sometimes very varied from men’s. I, personally, don’t want to be a man. Not that I don’t enjoy the male aspects within myself…..because we all know I absolutely do, very much so.
I sent Brad this message today when I got home.
He responds by telling me that I vacillate between being sweet and angry at the world and then take it out on him and everyone else. I am not negating that I do get angry. I am allowed. My life is more difficult than he will ever comprehend. That he sees and experiences my emotional upheavals as difficult for him to handle is only because he’s around.
That he sets them off with his own behavior sometimes is something he will not admit to. Because like he told me earlier today when I was driving him to his outpatient procedure…. I am grouchy and I am the problem. 🙄🙄🙄 Ok. This is one of those situations where the person that doesn’t take any blame at all is usually the main one to blame. But fine.
We are on the same page it seems finally. He is willing and ready to walk away. As I drove away from him the current song about having a hard time being the one to say goodbye came on. Seemed appropriate. Like how many times do we have to keep doing this. I have control. I have power over this situation. I suppose it’s time I exercised it.
Honestly, rght now, I just want to pick up and go and be done with all this difficulty in life. But wherever I go there I am and some of these issues will follow me. And moving again….ugghhhh…. just the thought of it: the kids, the pets, the stuff, the car, the minutiae of it all. 😣
I just have to keep moving forward. That’s all there is to it. Whatever happens happens. I’m going to keep hope and a space open to the possibilities of everything working out perfectly, maybe even better than I ever could have dreamed of. That is after all an option and more than anything it just makes me feel good and I could use a lot more of that right now.