I’m so sick of these men

I have four prominent men in my life. One I can’t get away from, one that seems too difficult. Then there’s the mighty one in charge of the entire nation and lastly my very absent father. To say I am tired of all of them and their bullshit lies and justifications for current and past behavior; those actions that are childish and narcissistic is an understatement. To say I am tired of living in their alternate version of reality is also a maddeningly gross underplaying of the situation.

I have absolutely had it with all of them and yet…….. who else do I have to turn to? It seems that I can choose between the government and the three stooges or the abyss of the yet unknown and unseen. Right now I’m not sure which is better or worse.

——
When I was growing up I learned to distrust women. It started with my own mother and progressed to every other female relationship; friends, family, strangers. Women, historically power deprived, fought each other for the little respect, attention and priviledge we could get. Often being pitted against each other, other men or even just hating each other in the process. I grew up knowing to keep my distance, emotionally, from all women.

Things have been changing systematically. Women have gained more power and have softened with each other. We have given each other more grace to not have to hold up stereotypes and false illusions of “true womanhood” and given each other more room to be ourselves and be appreciated for the intricacies of who that person is. Without having to play it the men’s way because we are not men. We have our own wonderful traits and perspectives that are sometimes very varied from men’s. I, personally, don’t want to be a man. Not that I don’t enjoy the male aspects within myself…..because we all know I absolutely do, very much so.

——–

I sent Brad this message today when I got home.

He responds by telling me that I vacillate between being sweet and angry at the world and then take it out on him and everyone else. I am not negating that I do get angry. I am allowed. My life is more difficult than he will ever comprehend. That he sees and experiences my emotional upheavals as difficult for him to handle is only because he’s around.

That he sets them off with his own behavior sometimes is something he will not admit to. Because like he told me earlier today when I was driving him to his outpatient procedure…. I am grouchy and I am the problem. πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„ Ok. This is one of those situations where the person that doesn’t take any blame at all is usually the main one to blame. But fine.

We are on the same page it seems finally. He is willing and ready to walk away. As I drove away from him the current song about having a hard time being the one to say goodbye came on. Seemed appropriate. Like how many times do we have to keep doing this. I have control. I have power over this situation. I suppose it’s time I exercised it.

Honestly, rght now, I just want to pick up and go and be done with all this difficulty in life. But wherever I go there I am and some of these issues will follow me. And moving again….ugghhhh…. just the thought of it: the kids, the pets, the stuff, the car, the minutiae of it all. 😣

I just have to keep moving forward. That’s all there is to it. Whatever happens happens. I’m going to keep hope and a space open to the possibilities of everything working out perfectly, maybe even better than I ever could have dreamed of. That is after all an option and more than anything it just makes me feel good and I could use a lot more of that right now.

πŸ™πŸ½πŸ’–πŸ’‹

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

6 thoughts on “I’m so sick of these men”

  1. It’s always hard to drain the swamp when you’re up to your eyeballs in alligators… and once the gators show up, doing some swamp draining feels like a very futile effort and one not worth doing… but it has to be done, someone has to do it… and you’re it.

    One of the things we have to learn is how to pick the battles we wind up fighting and sometimes the best option is not to fight because there’s always a battle that’ll be more… worthy of your attention. Women have, indeed, become more empowered… and I’ll say “again” because in my lifetime, this is the second time women have stood up and said that they’re not taking anymore of this dumb shit. Back then, women rallied behind, “I am woman – hear me roar!” and a lot of men – and not a few “traditional” women – got pretty bent at such outrageous behavior.

    Women’s Lib and the epic bra-burning thing was misinterpreted big time and was connected with rabid lesbianism and I was never sure how these two very different things got associated with each other but now women were seen as man-haters and led to something many women still say today: They don’t need a man to help them do bad; they can do bad all by themselves.

    It’s one thing to be empowered and know that you are… but once you have the power, what are you gonna do with it? How are you gonna effectively wield this power and without totally alienating yourself? Do you (not you) even have a clue about how to be empowered? Simply, you take full charge of your life and as many things in it that you can while understanding that there are some things that will be beyond your ability to control.

    Some women are great at… and some just aren’t. It’s not always what you do but how you do it; time management, problem resolution, crisis management and, yes, communication and with both men and women, if you don’t know how to do these things, your swamp gets filled with even more pissed-off gators looking to take a bite out of your ass. Recalcitrant boyfriends are easy to get rid of but, sometimes, getting your heart and your head to agree on this isn’t so easy but the message, if delivered properly, is clear, well, to men of intelligence: If you’re not going to be part of the solution, stop being part of the problem.

    So if Brad is being part of the problem, yup – use your empowerment to remove the problem from the great list of problems you’re already dealing with… but here’s a question I want to ask you: You say that you’d rather be alone… but are you really saying that you don’t want to deal with him specifically? It’s a valid question, I think, because of something I see a lot of women doing when it might not be in their best interest to do. First, they give up sex which, if nothing else, is good for mental health and the reduction of stress; then they isolate themselves to the point of becoming anti-social; friends and family try to jump in there to, at the very least, offer moral support but that also tends to get kicked to the curb.

    And while shutting yourself off – or shutting down to the bare necessities, might make sense, I also see a great many women beating their heads against the wall trying to go at it alone and now even the tiniest issue that might come along becomes a major one because now they have way too much time on their hands to start micromanaging themselves so instead of having fewer issues, they wind up with even more issues.

    Draining that swamp now becomes a very major problem that no amount of empowerment is going to take care of. Most women know that they need some kind of help but because they decided to isolate themselves, it doesn’t look good for them to have a change of heart, as it were. They find that dealing with the minutiae you mentioned becomes harder, not easier and, yes: You cannot run from these things. You can get away from certain things but the one thing you can’t get away from is yourself so no matter what you do or where you go, your all up in it because you still have to deal with the consequences of your actions and even the ones that are good, sound decisions.

    It’s not just having to keep moving forward: It’s how you do it and if you don’t have a plan for moving forward, you wind up playing things by ear or being reactive instead of being proactive… and being empowered is about being proactive. Yup… whatever happens, happens but being empowered still (and always) means that you control the things you can control and don’t lose any sleep over those things that are beyond your ability to control.

    Things can work or turn out well… but never perfectly. You must have hope and strive to make the best out of things, to be aware of the possibilities… but being empowered also means making the tough decisions about those possibilities so that they’re just not “a dream” or a nice thought but something that can be actionable and doable.

    You have a choice: You can focus on the things that really matter and those things that lend themselves to working the issues you can work… or you can climb into a shell, throw a bit of a pity party, rant and rave against all sorts of stuff – and stuff that, in reality, isn’t going to lend themselves toward a more positive outcome.

    I have a protege who lives out there on the West Coast and he rants and raves against that idiot in the White House and I mean I can imagine him foaming at the mouth… and I ask him why he does this and why it gets so much of his attention when, in fact, we both know he has more important shit that requires his attention and brain power. He, too, has what I’ll call daddy issues even though his father died some time ago; he’d rather give these issues more attention than, say, trying to figure out why he can’t or won’t get a girlfriend and keep her without sabotaging the whole thing at some point.

    He wants to buy a house… when, financially and out of practicality, he doesn’t need to but he continues to spend his weekends running around all over the place instead of taking time to decompress from his hectic work week and, oh, yeah, trying to find a girlfriend who wants to be invested in his life and, as such, would make some of the issues he has easier to deal with since he won’t be trying to do them by himself.

    He is aware of all of this, aware of what he really needs to be focused on and being proactive about and he acknowledges this… and says, “Yeah, but…” and it makes me insane to see him – and others – do this. I tell him – and I will tell you – that if you’re not going to apply yourself, being empowered – and in all that this means – isn’t worth a plugged nickel. If you have the power and don’t use it to good effect, well, why aren’t you? If you’re not prioritizing things and in the order they need to be dealt with, why aren’t you?

    And if you know this – and I’m thinking that you do – why aren’t you doing what you gotta do before the gators start biting you someplace you’d not find at all pleasurable? Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to take control of your life and without isolating yourself. Maybe Brad isn’t the guy you need to be with but you owe it to yourself to find someone you can be with and, preferably, one who is going to have your back and willing to get into the swamp with you to help you drain it.

    I’m never going to say that some of the things I see you writing about aren’t important to you, oh, like, looking into the abyss… something we’re told never to do but, again, I think you know this so I implore you to stop looking into it or even overly concerning yourself about it unless you wanna fall into it. If you think things are bad now, take a moment to consider how much worse falling into the abyss might be and if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, I don’t know what will.

    Focus. Get your head organized. Prioritize things. Use the power that is rightfully yours and be as proactive as you can be. Yeah… get a new boyfriend, get laid and otherwise be social; getting locked into a shell will not be as good of a thing as you think it is. Keep writing your blog and use it as a sounding board; look at what you’re writing and I mean REALLY look at it so you can know where your head is… and then determine where it needs to be so that all this swamp draining you – and, really, all of us have to do – can be handled in the best way you can.

    I know you know this and the thing you can’t do is tell me, “Yeah, but…” – that answer isn’t acceptable but, “Yeah – I’m on it!” is. You have the power. Use it. It’s okay to get off the merry-go-round for a moment to collect yourself but you can’t stay off of it for very long.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m doing the things I need to do. It’s all starting to feel like drudgery. I’m finding joy in very little right now. It’s like I’m just putting out fires. Yet I have no choice in the matter. Either I move forward doing what I need to do or I lay down and die.

      So here I am doing my taxes right now. Waiting on a client. To then resume my taxes. To then go to the department of health to see if I can get my food stamps renewed. Nothing fun. Not even sex.

      I don’t plan on isolating myself completely. But I also don’t plan on finding a boyfriend. My life is too volatile to bring someone new into it on anything more than a good time basis.

      I am figuring out my home situation before the end of the year so the kids and I aren’t in this hyper-stressful situation much longer.

      I’m doing the best I can but trying to manage my stress and their stress too, which always translates into physical issues and illnesses is getting extreme. I wish there was a good alternative. More and more living in Italy seems a better reality and a heck of a lot more affordable.

      It feels stupid of me to try to build a community here when we could be moving soon. Plus. If I haven’t managed it in 5 years maybe it simply isn’t possible.

      Maybe the time has come to cut my losses and build a better environment for my kids elsewhere.

      Too much to wrap my head around now. I’m going to try to save this house first, which is the only investment I own right now and I’m holding on by my teeth too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, it’s drudgery and big time at that; it’s never a fun thing to do and I’m glad to see you’re working the issues and as best you can.

        Yes, sometimes, you gotta cut your losses and while all of this is a lot to wrap your head around, you still gotta do it, don’t you? Adulting, as it turns out, is a bitch and a half…

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Right? Yes! Agreed. But I still have to put up with them. I can’t erase them from my reality.

      But you’re right. Just have to stay focused on myself. Surrounding myself with positive energy and people. πŸ₯°πŸ€—πŸ’‹

      Liked by 1 person

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