I can be such the queen of that, without even trying. Worse yet, without even knowing I’m doing it.
The most egregious misstep? Gee there seem to be so many. How to name just the main instigators?
Let’s start with food. This morning I ate a giant cinammon roll with enough frosting to coat an entire cake. It was so good. It was not gluten free. It was not dairy free. It was not sugar free.
My hypoglycemia will have me practically comatose in about an hour when my blood sugar drops from the spike. But fuck it!! I’ll just add insult to injury all day until my tummy hurts and I can’t sleep from the indigestion. That sounds fun, right?
I am struggling. I’ve been drinking. I’ve been eating crappy. But I haven’t been gambling and I have been sleeping well, even if limited. I’ve been a bit down and struggling with some anxiety and heavy procrastination. I’ve been trying not to get on my own case though. This is me doing the best I can right now.
I feel like I have to really work on believing I’m worthy of everything that I want in life. Maybe I need to be more explicit in what that is. Shouldn’t santa know already though. 🤪
In an ideal world: I would live by water and not have to work. I could write to my heart’s content. Walk around talking to strangers, friends, and neighbors. Completely content and mostly carefree. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? Suppose not to everyone. Lol. Some people need much more adventure and purpose I think.
I would still want to provide service to the world……just not sure in what capacity.
I have been doing my bookkeeping and it’s making me more depressed. It’s one thing to know your business is in the red and quite another to sit down with the figures and let the gravity of it all soak in. Not fun at all. Almost makes me wonder why I was so optimist about it.
Suppose I also could have not gotten in an argument with the naturopath that at one point was giving me so much work I was having to turn it down. 😬 I’ve never learned to be a kiss-ass. If I say something kiss-assy it’s because I mean it. And I am a horrible bite my tongue person. If I feel insulted or in need of defending myself, or even someone else, I will do so….. no matter if it’s at a cost. Even my poker face has its limits.
I have five things on my “should do” list for today. None, not a single one will get done. I need a playday. I need to turn it all off, set it all down and forget about it all for a minute. I’m going to forget about everything. I’m just going to do nothing. A day of nothing important at all. A day of not running errands, doing chores, keeping the to-do list up, minding kids, working, worrying, stressing, keeping time. Nope. None of it. I’m “calling off” on all of it.
This could just be more self-sabbotage, the reset button I need or just a much needed lazy day party. I don’t really care. Not about to let myself feel guilty about it either. Guilt just sucks the fun out of things. I’m owning it. Under the facade lies a deep, dark sadness I don’t want to look at today. It will be there tomorrow, I’m quite sure. 🤷🏽♀️💩🙊