My entire life
Seems always so juxtaposed
Yesterday I had my Catholic school skirt on and I dipped my lolipop into my mouth and then all over my pussy and rode Brad’s face like a bucking bronco. Then I think I may have, kind of, said I might marry him while we were having sex. Does that count?
But then earlier I was near a female about my age……
and I realized if I had this “bitch”* I would be the man and I’d start dressing like Kristen Stewart and own that shit tight.
I don’t know. No idea. Is anyone manning this boat? Stay tuned is all I can say. I really have no idea where this wild ride is going either. Like really, seriously, no clue.
Then we were talking about having orgies and threesomes and having every hole plugged all the way around and every which way possible. I do love math problems. And then he said he would put me in a gang bang and whore me out for $20 each. Then he shifted to $10 because, who knows cruelty to insult I guess. I laughed. It was funny.
But…… he did sponsor the sex club and I offered to let him work as my silent gimp/payment processor/whatever for his financial assistance. With a mask and naked or with something sexy on. I wish he had leather hot shorts. Anyway. He is not collecting anything, not even reimbursement for the space, which is super sweet. So it’s not him pimping me out, plus there will be no sex….from me. Although I so wish I could break out my strap on. Maybe I’ll use it to whip a few faces.
I wonder if anyone will want to have fun with him too? If he’s up to it, which maybe he will be. I don’t know; I honestly didn’t ask him. Plus he has been in a lot of pain lately. I also just assumed he knew it was about me being Domme and him being a silent gimp under my enslavement. Which is still the theme I want to keep. Lol. Plus it’s a full day event, he may not be up to be there the whole time.
There was however another volunteer that asked to keep me company and help me. A sexy trans man that wants to be a fuckdoll. I mean not at this event per say, just in general. With his new breast and tight little waist. Sexy thing that he is. I wonder what he would look like in full drag and makeup?
Yesterday Brad also found my g-spot so perfectly and I realized because my eyes were open when they are usually closed that I traction my eyes up and everything flickers when I orgasm….at least it did then. Guess that demonstrates just how many times I’ve orgasmed while making eye contact. Geez. That’s sad. Or it’s just never happened before that I can recall. Maybe this is just the elasticity in my eyes not being as resilient as it used to be. That’s plausible. Right?
God, I overanalyze everything when I’m stoned.
I had to tell him to stop with the BDSM for a hot minute. Just because he’s given me two “hickies” aka choking marks in the last two weeks. One for my first day at work and one the day before yesterday before I realized I was going to go in to the school to talk to the kids counselor and then afterwards it occurred to me I should have covered up.
We started to talk about Trump and it immediately got heated. He said we needed to stop talking about it. I get it. We are both strongly opinionated. I don’t expect him to change really**. I just can’t stay silent either. I want to know the thought process. I want to go back and forth about it. He’s right though. We both get excitable.
I don’t care. I hate that he shuts me up. I feel violated. Like you may as well muzzle me. Yet I know he is just trying to cope as well and not make me feel like we are so different we need to break up for the millionth time. There has got to be a better way than this I would think though.
*In the most loving I’m going to fuck the fuck out of you way.
**At least not too much. I like so much of the ways he is.
He says he wants to marry me or me to be his and he want to come home to me fucking another man. It’s a bit bizarre to me. Not that he wants this. That part I find phenomenally cool. But the logistics of it. Are we still not making love, I guess, which would want me trying to find it elsewhere. But if I did find it…. wouldn’t I just leave? I mean someone that you make sweet love to doesn’t have to check too many other boxes……..do they? Or is this a once in a while thing.
I honestly told him to chill with this because it seemed like he wants this to happen a lot. It’s a weird conversation to wrap my head around. To bring home random men to fuck. What woman truly wants that? We aren’t like men. Orgasms don’t come with just any pounding.
Not to mention this isn’t the way to raise children. So I told him the idea my ex had about buying a duplex and asked him if he was at all interested. He and his daughter and their pets living on one side and me and my kids and pets on the other and then we could definitely do stuff like that and play much, much more. Maybe even have a red room. Although I doubt with his daughter living there he’d want that. IDK Lol
I don’t even know how he expects this all to play out. I’m confused by it all. Is this just a game? Does he think I need to get laid that much? He couldn’t possibly want me to leave how his ex left him, by doing the same thing…..going out and finding a man to fuck and never coming back. God knows how that would make him feel. Couldn’t be good.
But also. You know. Nothing is guaranteed. He could just as easily leave. Couldn’t he? Jolene wasn’t sung and written with so much pain for no reason. Also no one knows what time that death certificate gets stamped.
Life holds no guarantees and yet that’s what you hope for in marriage isn’t it. Your final approval to be yourself and be loved for who that is and hopefully still making room for self growth and growing together and also of course stability and a forever after thing.
I however don’t know that I feel the need for final approval. I approve of myself, pretty completely. Maybe it’s just time I stood up for myself. Maybe bought a gun and stopped being a pacifist. Lol. Nah…who am I kidding? Plus Brad has plenty of guns for the both of us anyway.
One of the things I find so difficult in life is navigating my internal spiritual world to align with my physical and tangible needs. Sometimes I would like nothing more than to concentrate on the former alone and then I get hungry and horny or a headache and I realize I can’t not play this game too, can I? Because then I see my children, feel their pain, share in their desires and wants and I am brought back to a place of earthly things.
This is such a bizarre little thing, this life is to me.