In gratitude I trust… but how stoned are you?

Things have not been easy. They aren’t easy. But…….. I’m trying to find the way to manage it all. It isn’t easy. Sometimes it does feel so completely overwhelming.

Today I stopped at a garage sale. I had no real intention of buying anything. I just wanted to be a part of it. If that can be a thing. There was this woman, who said she was 80, running it. I had a hard time believing it because she looked much younger and very bright and vibrant to me. With her was a 60 something male. He had the most beautiful blue eyes. I instantly liked them both.

The man preceded me to my car. We chit-chatted for a bit. At one point he said to me “the past is here (stretching out his arm) and the future is here (stretching out his other arm) and if you don’t let go of them they will hold you hostage”….or something to that effect. I got it. He’s not wrong and we all need to be reminded of that now and then.

Laying in bed thinking about my life and my desires I try to let go of them both and just concentrate on the now. The, this absolute one, specific moment of right now. Just this one.

I could simply create all these wonderful scenarios in my head. I can paint pictures upon pictures of things I want to manifest. My imagination is very wild and vivid and easy to fade away into. It’s a wonderful thing. So as I try to think…..



Money, health and leisure for my tartlets and I to do as we please, and a fabulous love life.


Personally……in a perfect world…

to be able to walk slowly and calmly and stop and talk to all that want to talk to me. To put my attention and effort into the things that drive me passionately, on a moment to moment, person to person, heart to heart basis. To be able to enjoy all the little things in life; the birds in the trees, the smell of a crisp fall day, the nuances that make you feel truly alive. To be able to have the calmness of mind, the ability, the opportunity to be able to truly appreciate and savor it all.

It sounds so vague…..I suppose…that I want ease. I want ease so much more than all the treasures of the world combined. I want emotional, spiritual, physical well being for my kids and myself, which provides such a huge amount of ease. I want financial stability, because also provides ease. I wish I didn’t live in a world where one has to have finances to survive. Is there even such a thing as true subsistence living? I fear there really isn’t on this planet.

Either way… point is. I worry. I do worry. I know manifesting works because I’ve done it. I know if you envision your future as possible it holds a space for it in your heart. Because if it came and there was no space for it you would sabotage the fuck out of it. I know because I’ve done it. You think yourself unworthy, or are afraid it will disappear or disappoint you eventually, or some other dumbassery. I also get that this all can take many forms.


We can ask for what we think we deserve and want and leave it to God to do as is meant to be by saying “this or better please” or we can dream big and then push ourselves to dream even bigger and let the universe figure out how to provide it. I love manifestation. I agree that we all are born from perfect divinity and retain some access to that our entire lives and beyond through all of time and space.

I get that completely, but it just doesn’t explain to me all the travesties innocent people suffer in this life to me.

I can’t explain why it’s that easy for some. Because the truth seems to be that it’s not always about what we allow ourselves to believe we can achieve. Sometimes the deck is stacked against one,or for one I suppose……and karma can’t be the only friend or enemy. *

But my point being….all this just adds worry and sadness and pain to my life because well….why can’t I manifest all my dreams come true then? I don’t know is the answer. All I do know is that I want ease NOW.

And the best, fastest, easiest way I’ve found is with a heavy, heavy dose of gratitude. It’s a good start at least. Fortunately there are many more tools and tricks and ways to find ease because right now I need every single one of them, in amplitude.

Including first and foremost probably trying to find love for everyone and everything; whether I like it or not. It’s a strange juxtaposition because in life there are some things I find hard to condone, but once you’ve done all you can to help the situation, you must learn to have acceptance at the very least, even if you can’t find love. At least that’s how I find peace of mind for myself and again….that all brings ease….. and gratitude for that ease. If I don’t have peace of mind of what good is anything else?


*I do truly believe we can achieve every miracle attributed to Buddha and Christ, I don’t think this because I think I’m the most extra top shit and I’m going to do it**, but because they said it was so themselves. That any one of us was capable. I truly believe that is true. We all have that Divinity in us to tap into.

**although that’s really fucking bad-ass to wish and think about and yes please, if possible… I right?



I heard a long time ago about people that lived as hermits. I asked how they survived? I was told that they lived their life in servitude to prayers and that people visited with them and brought them food, helped them with all of their needs. At the time it sounded insane to live like that, now I wonder if there is a sign up sheet somewhere.

I think I’m going to start tik-toking. I’m not sure what. Maybe everything. Maybe my own comedy. That would be cool. Done. Starting tomorrow. Not vamped up. Not curated. Just me. Plain, goofy, silly me. Wonder if anyone will get me? Wonders abound indeed? We shall see…….who am I kidding. Am I going to do that really? Maybe I should challenge*** myself. That’s always scary and fun and more rewarding than so many other things. Lol πŸ’‹


***Although maybe rally for myself is better verbiage than challenge. This is the thing with self help. It can feel never-ending. I suppose as long as we live we will never have to stop monitoring our own stress levels in life and managing them for our own mental, physical, emotional well being. In all circumstances we have control over at least one of those things, or we should at least if not even more than one of those things. I think maneuvering our intuitive pathways is just as important really.


Today, now, here, this moment. Hey you!! πŸ₯°πŸ’–πŸ€—

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

21 thoughts on “In gratitude I trust… but how stoned are you?”

  1. It’s a crazy thing we do and especially when there’s a lot of stress piling up on us. We start looking backward… then forward to moments that may or may not manifest themselves instead of grounding ourselves in the now – right this moment, what we think, feel, process stuff and especially the stuff that’s stressing us. If there’s something you can do in that moment, then there’s the focus; if not, there’s nothing to be done for it and, like my very wise mother used to tell me and my siblings, “Wishing ain’t gonna make things better…”

    Many say that one holds their fate and future in their own hands. We also allow that all of life is suffering – a rather dark way to look at it, I think – and everyone has trials and tribulations; some folks just work through them, some don’t or can’t. You not only have to want things to be better, you have to do whatever is deemed necessary so they can be better and some folks have a hard time motivating themselves to work toward that goal.

    “Plans are not actions.” It’s a quote from a favorite book of mine and a response given to the “hero” of the story, who was suffering from PTSD and depression, when he said that he planned on doing something. Having a plan is always a good thing… but if you never act, well, that’s a problem sometimes and especially when you know you have to act… and you just don’t.

    We all undergo some form of self-help every day and sometimes, some folks need “external motivation,” someone or some thing that will grab us, pull us out of backward/forward thinking, and get us functioning in the here and now. The thing, I think, about some self-help stuff is that you can’t do it by yourself; you need someone who’s gonna push and encourage you to be a better you and then someone who’s not gonna back down when you get pissed with them for pushing you to get off your ass and be a better you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We all need a sensei. That is true. I have always had internal help and had many friends and strangers and family point me in the direction I needed to be, even if it was by simply by clarifying where I didn’t really want to be.

      I would love to have a mentor. I’ve just never found anyone who’s lead I felt I could follow unquestionably. Know what I mean. I pick and choose what resonates with my heart. What I believe and live out the hard knocks for the rest of it I suppose. Lol


      1. I’ve mentored quite a few people when someone has to grab them and ask, “What are you doing… and why?” and even if to make them stop and think before they act.

        I’m not the kind of mentor who will pat someone on the ass and sugar coat stuff; the guy I’m currently mentoring gets pissed with me a lot because I call him on his bullshit at every turn… but when he does something the way he’s should be doing it, he gets big time props.

        And, yeah, I find myself telling him, “I told you, didn’t I?” a lot. Mentoring someone is a lot of work but I think it’s worth it because if you can help someone, you should help them if you can.

        My question to you is what do you need mentoring in? Just asking.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Well….if I knew that I’d do it myself. Lol

          I truly don’t know. I feel like I’m so in the thick of it I can’t see anything clearly anymore.

          I guess I need to maybe figure that out, but that’s just more stuff to put on my to-do list. Lol


          1. You signing up for the job? I can’t offer many benefits, no retirement plan, no 401k matching. I mean really, you gotta know what you’re walking into. Right? πŸ€ͺπŸ˜‹πŸ’‹


          2. Those are such sweet words????

            “Would you have me?”……

            I want to say yes and run into your arms like an airport scene…..but what are we really talking about here?

            So much in life I want to know the parameters of everything beforehand. Yet life doesn’t really work like that. Everything is always subject to change. Isn’t it?


        1. I see no perfect route. I see no golden parachute. I see no wonderful ending on the horizon. So I just take each moment by moment decision as it comes making the most of that. That’s the justification at least. Lol


  2. omg Miss! I want to see your tik toks and I don’t even use it. xD … ugh you’re so meticulous and thoughtful about your life it makes me want to be a better person. I wish I was well off enough to grab coffee with you but I’m focusing on work and this new pharmacy technician job I’m starting on the first.

    Liked by 1 person

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