I was supposed to go to a Domme event this weekend. I even promises to bring one of the Domme’s some CBD RSO and I was just too burnt out from the week of training. Instead I hung out with Brad. His back is bad so he can’t be submissive, but he takes full advantage to put me in form. I obviously enjoy it but it does make me emotionally vulnerable to be put into submission.
Plus he knows exactly what buttons to push. It was liberating except it also makes me feel this intense connection to him. One that I had been trying to sever. He was so close to making me cry too, not from pain but from emotional triggers. That felt pretty good. I almost wish he had gotten me there. But we aren’t at a place where I trust him to that level anymore, to be that deeply vulnerable.
I let go of my Amazon Prime account and my Costco and gym memberships this month. So he took me to Costco and also used his prime to buy me a few things I needed and he didn’t let me pay him for any of it. Then he fed me all day long enough to feed a family. It was a lot of fun; but we also briefly touched on the subject of why I pulled away from him.
I explained that because we don’t discuss the difficult issues between us we can’t resolve or get past them. So instead of them bringing us closer, they drive a deep wedge between us. And if we aren’t progressing then we are stagnating or even worse moving backwards. And that isn’t where I want to be in a relationship.
So either this is nothing more than fucking or we tackle the issues between us. I’m not sure where that ended. He probably needs to sit with that a bit more to understand my point. I’ll know more by his actions than his words if it sunk in.
If his actions point to just sex, then I will have to form another emotional divide between us; like it or not. So that it can be just sex indeed. I am the queen of compartamentalizing. So that will be harder for him than me.
But lately I do feel this intense need to be Dominant. Luckily I have this event planned. I am so truly looking forward to it. I can’t wait to play!! Mouthwatering, tantalizing, feverish desire to overtake a man and bring him to his knees. You couldn’t see it but there was a deep, soulful, joyous sigh that came out of the depths of me when I wrote that last sentence. It satisfies something within me that nothing else does. And I just can’t explain it better than that.
I think I’ll sleep well tonight. Clean sheets and heading to shower now. That always feels good.