This has been a lifelong thing for me; this deep-seated feeling of not belonging. I think it’s time I just accepted it once and for all. Maybe that’s why I was so deeply drawn to have my own little family from a very young age. Maybe that’s why I cherish my girls so much. Because I truly do belong to them and they belong to me and that’s all it seems I’m going to get in this life.
This isn’t to say I’m not utterly grateful for that. That’s also not to say that I rely on that for my complete identity. It’s just to say that even when I am included into other circles, even when I am allowed and wanted to participate in things outside this small narrative I will never truly belong there.
I have always felt like an outsider, and now more than ever before. This, of course, doesn’t quantify me as special or even undesirable. It simply is the way it’s always truly been and now I’m just finding peace with that.
I used to, even until very recently, wish I could be abducted by aliens. The only caveat to that is I refuse, given the choice, to leave my children. But I figured an interstellar race must be better than the idiocy that is planet Earth.
I honestly am no longer interested in that or in helping humanity on any level at all right now. Individually maybe, if compelled. But because my own life is so stressful and difficult right now I feel like closing myself off to it all.
I don’t see the point in trying to solve the problems of this world anymore. With the finite time I have on this spinning rock I just want to try to do the best I can for these offspring and try to live up to my own potential of enlightenment.
At this point I’m really ready to just bail on everything else. I don’t think I really care anymore. Too much of this world is blinded by too much idiocy, laziness, selfishness, elitism, greed and placement of value on things that have negative worth for one’s souls and on the world and I just don’t want to play anymore.
Its fine. I’m still happy to do my time here. I’ll try to provide “normalcy” for my brood. I’ll try to find a place of peace and acceptance for the madness of this world. I’m going to try to just make the most of this, on my terms… as much as possible. Even if it means I fail abysmally in the eyes of everyone else. So be it.
At this point, I just no longer expect to belong to anyone anymore; to no group, to no person, to no “normal life” ideal that I simply can’t abide by. None of this resonates with me anymore.
I tried. I really did and with these tears I relinquish that all completely now.
There are a few things I have had no choice lately but to go through the motions of. Even though I have desperately not wanted to. I will maintain them….. not for myself but for the sake of my children. Because I think it is in their overall best interest I probably do so.
But is it truly? I can’t say. There hasn’t been ease. There hasn’t been a well delineated yellow brick road. There is no home to return to. There is no Oz I can see on the horizon.
There is right now only pain and agony and despair. So in this angst I am finding comfort around giving up on the dream of finding my place in this world, of finding my tribe, of finding my village of people, of finding somewhere I belong. It doesn’t exist for me.
It’s ok though. I’ve seen too much pain. I’ve seen too much of the worst of society. I’ve experienced and felt too many of life’s atrocities to live a life of sweet oblivion and think I belong to any of that. I don’t. I won’t. I can’t.
But I also don’t belong to the dregs. No! Not there either. I belong simply to me and to my children and you know what….. I think whatever happens….. whatever needs to happen here…… so be it. This life, on Earth, is all mostly lies and I’m giving up thinking I can win at it. Now I just want to insolate myself spiritually so that in my next life I can maybe be the butterfly I was meant to be all along.
But for right now I suppose I should keep trying to stay put here. I should keep trying to move ahead with saving my house. But I’m done trying to belong to this place. This world truly doesn’t belong to me and I don’t belong to it. Maybe soon I can go back to being just a spectator and fellow traveler and not have to work so hard at playing this stupid game for fools.