I don’t belong

This has been a lifelong thing for me; this deep-seated feeling of not belonging. I think it’s time I just accepted it once and for all. Maybe that’s why I was so deeply drawn to have my own little family from a very young age. Maybe that’s why I cherish my girls so much. Because I truly do belong to them and they belong to me and that’s all it seems I’m going to get in this life.

This isn’t to say I’m not utterly grateful for that. That’s also not to say that I rely on that for my complete identity. It’s just to say that even when I am included into other circles, even when I am allowed and wanted to participate in things outside this small narrative I will never truly belong there.

I have always felt like an outsider, and now more than ever before. This, of course, doesn’t quantify me as special or even undesirable. It simply is the way it’s always truly been and now I’m just finding peace with that.

I used to, even until very recently, wish I could be abducted by aliens. The only caveat to that is I refuse, given the choice, to leave my children. But I figured an interstellar race must be better than the idiocy that is planet Earth.

But….

I honestly am no longer interested in that or in helping humanity on any level at all right now. Individually maybe, if compelled. But because my own life is so stressful and difficult right now I feel like closing myself off to it all.

I don’t see the point in trying to solve the problems of this world anymore. With the finite time I have on this spinning rock I just want to try to do the best I can for these offspring and try to live up to my own potential of enlightenment.

At this point I’m really ready to just bail on everything else. I don’t think I really care anymore. Too much of this world is blinded by too much idiocy, laziness, selfishness, elitism, greed and placement of value on things that have negative worth for one’s souls and on the world and I just don’t want to play anymore.

Its fine. I’m still happy to do my time here. I’ll try to provide “normalcy” for my brood. I’ll try to find a place of peace and acceptance for the madness of this world. I’m going to try to just make the most of this, on my terms… as much as possible. Even if it means I fail abysmally in the eyes of everyone else. So be it.

At this point, I just no longer expect to belong to anyone anymore; to no group, to no person, to no “normal life” ideal that I simply can’t abide by. None of this resonates with me anymore.

I tried. I really did and with these tears I relinquish that all completely now.

——

There are a few things I have had no choice lately but to go through the motions of. Even though I have desperately not wanted to. I will maintain them….. not for myself but for the sake of my children. Because I think it is in their overall best interest I probably do so.

But is it truly? I can’t say. There hasn’t been ease. There hasn’t been a well delineated yellow brick road. There is no home to return to. There is no Oz I can see on the horizon.

There is right now only pain and agony and despair. So in this angst I am finding comfort around giving up on the dream of finding my place in this world, of finding my tribe, of finding my village of people, of finding somewhere I belong. It doesn’t exist for me.

It’s ok though. I’ve seen too much pain. I’ve seen too much of the worst of society. I’ve experienced and felt too many of life’s atrocities to live a life of sweet oblivion and think I belong to any of that. I don’t. I won’t. I can’t.

But I also don’t belong to the dregs. No! Not there either. I belong simply to me and to my children and you know what….. I think whatever happens….. whatever needs to happen here…… so be it. This life, on Earth, is all mostly lies and I’m giving up thinking I can win at it. Now I just want to insolate myself spiritually so that in my next life I can maybe be the butterfly I was meant to be all along.

But for right now I suppose I should keep trying to stay put here. I should keep trying to move ahead with saving my house. But I’m done trying to belong to this place. This world truly doesn’t belong to me and I don’t belong to it. Maybe soon I can go back to being just a spectator and fellow traveler and not have to work so hard at playing this stupid game for fools.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

7 thoughts on “I don’t belong”

  1. The moment you try to solve the world’s problems, you’re hosed – no one person can do this although change begins with one person – but then that idealism has to spread, others have to buy into the solution but it rarely gets spread worldwide.

    A lot of people feel as if they don’t belong, that due to their uniqueness, they just don’t fit in anywhere and it’s similar to a weird kind of thing that new bisexuals experience – they feel as if they’re the only one who feels this way… even when they may know that they aren’t.

    Still, one of our missions in life is to figure out how and where we fit in, where we belong, and many people never figure this out but instead of reveling in their uniqueness, they give up trying to figure out where they belong and how they can fit in with the rest of the world somewhere. At the very least, you belong in the place you find yourself whether it’s easy being there or not. We wind up creating our own environments, a place where we can operate and exist and to the best of our abilities and that place can be kinda lonely unless you happen to come across others who have created environments similar to our own.

    If the environment we’ve created for ourselves isn’t working out, some of us change the environment and, really, it’s an ongoing work in progress because even if we don’t somehow fit in with the rest of the world, we still have to exist in the environment we’ve created for ourselves. Still, some folks find reason not to change their environment – whatever they’ve created, well, that’s it and there’s nothing to be done for it… and that’s a mistake because when you get stuck in place and don’t bother to really look at things that are outside of your unique environment, you wind up missing a lot of things and including where and how you fit into the world as it is.

    End of the day, you can only be who and what you are; you can only do that which you are capable of doing and whether you know it or not, you do, in fact, belong to a very large group of people who are being themselves and doing what they can do each and every day. It stands to reason that if your current environment ain’t working for you, maybe it’s time to effect change where you can. Some people do this without really having to think about it, some people drive themselves “crazy” over it and, at some point, give up trying to change stuff.

    And the other thing about belonging is that additional task to find others who are close to who we are – commonality. One example: I am bisexual and while all bisexuals really aren’t the same, we all have something in common – we’re bisexual and this is belonging to a subset of human behavior. It transcends race, color, creed, nationality and allows me and others to realize that we’re not alone and that we do fit in somewhere despite how the world wants to look at this and in some pretty negative ways.

    I am a Black male… and there are a lot of us from all walks of life, differing experiences, mindsets, etc., so I belong here as well although there are times when I wish I didn’t but that’s a change that’s impossible to make happen.

    I am a musician… so I belong with other musicians as well and that group I belong to can be broken down to types of music, what instruments one can used – stuff like that; I am a blogger and, duh, I fit in here, too. The thing is not to look at those spaces where you don’t fit – it’s to look at all the spaces that you do fit and no matter what the world at large is doing.

    You can’t ignore what’s going on in the world at large and, sure, a lot of it leaves a lot to be desired and more often than not, there’s nothing you can do about it… but you can do something about your own unique environment; you control it as best you can while understanding that whatever the world is doing – or not doing – can influence your environment and now the trick is to not let those external influences rock your boat too much – again, one of those ongoing things we have to do in order to survive in this world.

    It might feel hopeless and all that – it’s a daunting task, a lot of shit to think about and to deal with and it all comes down to one thing: Either you’re gonna deal with it or you aren’t. If you don’t, you’re really not going to belong anywhere in that sense because you’ve isolated yourself from those spaces you can belong in… if you want to be bothered with belonging… and it doesn’t make sense to not want to belong in the many spaces one can belong to even if they think they’re the only one in a given space.

    You aren’t. You, even in your uniqueness, are never alone; you’re not really as much of an outsider as you may think because you do, in fact, have a lot of things in common with a lot of other people in the world – you just have to find them, be aware of them and even if it’s not possible to always interact with them – but they’re out there just the same and probably thinking and feeling like they, too, don’t belong.

    You’re a Domme… so you belong in that space with other Dommes whether you know them or not. You’re obvious a mother and one of millions if not billions of mothers. You’re female – duh – more women than you can shake a stick at.

    You belong. You fit in… somewhere and your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to figure and find out where you belong and fit in. If you choose not to accept this, well, we need to talk…

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    1. No one person can……. Alone.. you are right. I was reading about Catholic schism. Why it doesn’t take, especially after the original defector dies.

      —–
      We should talk then because I seem most drawn to those who have suffered extreme pain in life and that isn’t a category I want to put myself in by choice. But it paints all other parts of my life to such an extent that the connection fades from all other things.

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      1. The one other thing we are compelled to do is to help those in need if we can and lord knows I’ve had my share of “special projects,” people who were broken, feeling hope- and helpless, and I can say it’s not my problem and walk away… and feel like a total asshole if I don’t try to help them.

        The trick is to not get so caught up in helping them that it starts to affect your life in uncool ways. Sure, let’s talk if you want to…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t be sad, Miss. You have a place in your childrens world and your energy brings joy to others. Everyone, no matter how small contributes to the world and you may very well through even minor contributions, effect people’s lives. Your words help mine. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you❣️

      I’m just not trying right now. I guess this is what survival mode looks like for me. It’s not as gladiator or goddess like as I would have wished. It’s very defeatist. It’s a surrendering to the circumstances and accepting that it’s ok to not want to play anymore. It’s ok to not fit in. It’s ok to live by my own eclectic values. It’s ok. It’s all ok. Just the way it is. I’m just allowing myself to come to terms with that and stop fighting the tide.

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      1. It’s ok to have those feelings. It’s ok to do whatever it takes to find more peace in your life. Take as good care of yourself as you possibly can. Blessings to you and your little family.

        Liked by 1 person

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