There’s that whole God closes a window to open a door thing (or however that goes). But 🙄🙄🙄
It’s still hard.
Brad came over the other day, after not seeing him for over two months. We went to lunch. It was fun. We only got in one little tif when I mentioned that Palin was getting divorced. I thought it was a juicy little piece of unnecessary gossip. I get that we all like that, even if some people use it cruelly.
It’s also just information, even if inaccurate. I was specifically intrigued by the reason stated for the divorce: incompatibility of temperament. I had wanted to share it with him. I thought it was funny. Not funny for them. Divorce is hell. And I realize I have seen it so I do have an actual compare and it really isn’t, but it is its own form of hell here on Earth (and we had a kitchen table divorce). But anyway, funny in the “conscious uncoupling” way. Like how many terms do people need to explain a divorce?
So he starts in with “The liberal media has nothing better to do….” with this snarky, angry tone in his voice and I said “wait, so if Hillary got divorced the right wing media would ignore it?”. Then he has to mention the difference in popularity. I wanted to say “everyone knows who the fuck Palin is!” but maybe I’m wrong.
Doesn’t seem wrong. First woman in my life that was almost elected to that cabinet since I’ve been able to vote and cared. But there have also been two generations after me already so who knows.
So anyway. I said something, not as snarky back. He apologized and agreed with me. It settled fast.It wasn’t that. Not even by any long shot. It’s that I am not emotionally invested anymore like I was before. I can’t explain it exactly. It doesn’t feel like I’m guarded, it feels more like I’ve relinquished that dream and the feelings that came with it are starting to become memories.
That’s not to say we didn’t have sex. I just couldn’t orgasm. We tried for 2 hours and nothing. Yet I orgasmed within 3 minutes of him leaving. I had been turned on. I used every trick in the book during. We both did. He had this toy on part of the time. It had spikes inside.
He lasted hard the entire time, even when he didn’t have it on. I’m guessing via Viagra. I didn’t even ask though. I just assumed.
I honestly don’t know if it’s me, him or both of us that I couldn’t cum. He used to know how to make me cum very easily. Eventually I did get really juicy, but at first he was like a teenager just pumping away at me. I let him but it just made me so sad that we have never and probably never will make love.
Later we did sustain eye contact but only while role playing being my daddy and fucking me as if I were his real teenager daughter. Telling me it’s alright to like it because it feels good and how he watched me bath and play with myself and asking if I did it to tease him. And I realized he is just one huge sexual trigger for me now*.
But you know…….it doesn’t matter why we couldn’t make it work. Does it? If it can’t be fixed. I’m losing the person who has been my closest friend for the last year and that’s hard. He has some very good qualities. He helped me a lot. He also helped me see how painful my issues still are. Helped me to see that little girl wanting attention, who was still buried deep inside.
This isn’t to say I don’t want BDSM or daddy play. But Brad no longer feels like a warm soft cloud of love to me. I miss that a lot. I miss lots of things about him. He would look at my washing machine and fix it or help me get a new one if I asked. But I need to just end this. It seems more painful talking right now than not talking.
So I will have to just keep jiggy-rigging this machine after every cycle. Fun!
I love shooting myself in the foot. So noble. Well….at least shooting onself in the back isn’t a thing. Lol and hey……I gotta be true to myself. Maybe one day Brad and I can be friends, who knows what the future brings.
That’s the beauty and the crux of this experience. It’s probably the part I secretly love the best too. It’s what gives me eternal hope, just in general.
*as far as my childhood trauma surrounding sex.