within myself. I know what it takes. I know what I need to do. I know what my parameters are for that. But that doesn’t make acquiring the necessities of life any easier. Solving that one intangible doesn’t make the tangible obligations of life easier. It just makes it all much more bearable. I don’t know how many could persevere given all I’ve been through in life without my stubborn determination to find peace within myself.
That said….. today I was rude to the service tech that came to look at my washing machine. He went on a monologue of how the equipment works and how my assessment was not logical or probable and I cut him off and threw him out after he made it very clear he was not going to help at all.
Funny that I don’t feel that bad about it. I didn’t personally attack him. I didn’t curse him or belittle him. I simply stopped him mid sentence by telling him “We’re done. Where do I need to sign?” as I escorted him out.
No hard feeling. I was just over it all. He was doing his job to the best of his capabilities, probably. I can’t say for sure but I’ll give it to him. Sure. The machine logged no error codes. He can’t do anything. Ok. So leave. We were just wasting each other’s time and I’m sure he has better things to do, as do I.
I wasn’t going to sit there and be lectured about how wrong I am and why. I’ve had this machine for 2 years. I know what it’s doing. This was a free service call on an extended warranty I purchased. Sooo…yea. His 15 minute evaluation was about what I expected, I suppose.
I’m just frustrated about everything really and reaching a point where it’s all feeling like too much. Like it’s too hard here. Primarily I stay to try to build stability for the kids and stop moving them around once and for all. Secondly, I don’t want to lose the money I invested. I put it all in this house and business. My retirement and savings; all of it.
I made a new plan with the score mentor yesterday. I was excited as I left his office to have another possible avenue to help my situation but I’m completely ambivalent about it today.
Then I went on Reddit and made a post asking for advice and I got two kind replies that suggested I try to get more help from the government or move to a more affordable location.
The little one is home today with a tummy ache. I heard her moaning in her sleep last night. I’m sure it’s her reflux/constipation combo acting up. I’ve got to sneek something into her juice. She doesn’t like to take anything. It’s a major issue though and I’ve got to try and figure this out. I’ve got to get her on board with the things I know will help her.
It’s all a struggle right now. It’s all feeling so fucking overwhelming. I think I’ll do a long meditation and yoga workout this morning. I need to work on grounding myself and lifting my spirit. Tonight I’ll take a mass dose of THC to help settle my nerves even more.
This will pass. I know this. I’ve just got to hang on and keep moving forward one step at a time. Staying positive by sheer force of will or trying to at least. God help me.