What am I thinking? I mean honestly I just don’t know sometimes. Maybe it’s my own subconscious way of thinking of something pleasant amidst all this turmoil. That my mind bounces around to thinking about romance, love, hot sex, deep intimacy. Those are all pretty fun things to fantasize about. Except today I woke up thinking it’s a huge waste of time and energy.
Lately I feel it’s more efficient to quantify my time, effort and emotions as something of utmost value. Where I allocate those is of tantamount importance to the quality of my life. So when I have that control I must exercise it purposefully.
I am ever good at escapism. Whether that be physically, emotionally or mentally. So right now I am in this time crunch of a bind and I’m thinking of things that while pleasant and dreamy and soothing provide no real solutions to the problems I have. I mean sure by this point in the movie “he” shows up to make everything better. And while I reserve the right to believe that’s possible, I know it’s also not only statistically improbable (given all the data), but also futile to anticipate. Because one simply never knows about these things and, more importantly, my life is not a Romcom.
In the last week I’ve been told by one man that we are “life partners” and by another that “we will be married”. And while I can’t say it’s the worst thing in the world to be on the receiving end of such determination, it just isn’t reality. Not from where I stand at least. And while I’m not out to hurt men unnecessarily, I’m also not one to pander to them (at least not more than absolutely necessary).
So I really need to refocus. These lovely thoughts can be the sweet nectar of tomorrow. Once I get myself and my life to where I can breath a bit.
Not to say I won’t go to the Femdom event this weekend. I most certainly will. Everyone needs some downtime and I most definitely want and need to connect to my dominant self. I need to unleash her now more than ever and I desperately need some real, powerful fun in my life. Here’s hoping.
Meanwhile I have an appointment today with another mentor from Score to crunch some numbers on what direction to go. I have to have multiple options on the horizon as there are so many moving parts to this. I am very ill prepared, but just putting it down on paper and lobbing it around will help me tremendously.
So ok ducks…..let’s do this.