I’ve talked about this subject before. I truly enjoy all of these, and together they form the trifecta I am seeking in life.
I say this as I lay for the first time in 16 years alone in my very own bed. Completely alone with a firm knowledge that no kidlets, no animals, no partners will be joining me. I sprawl out and enjoy this solitude tremendously.
Alone and lonely are two different things. I am alone and sometimes I feel lonely but I am not miserable in my solitude. Knowing there is no partner on the horizon doesn’t make me unhappy like it used to. It doesn’t terrify or panic me. It definitely doesn’t depress me.
I’ve settled into it. If this is how it’s meant to be….well….then….great.
But if I am to have what I’ve sought my entire life it’s got to encompass all three of this blog titles words.
Love: to ensure there is real concern and tenderness. To fill ones heart with true delight to have that one, very specific person as your beloved.
Obsession: to add a tiny bit of anxiety to the mix so one has the ever smallest fear of possibly losing them at any time, thereby making it a point to cherish them deeply every moment one can.
Codependency: so that every emotion, every desire, every need gets intertangled and enmeshed into this place where you can almost no longer completely ascertain where your beings separate.
All this to create a depth of connection like few others. It’s not something most people probably want or can realistically even handle. There is a vulnerability and transparency here that scares most people. Especially if they have been scorched by love before. I get it. I really do.
This search of mine has, at times in my life, felt like the worst needle in a haystack game ever. But I’ve learned a lot about myself, grown so much as a person and I’ve decided that if I don’t find the needle, I’m still going to try and have fun playing in the hay. I’m just not gonna commit to it is all. 🤣😉💋
Welcome to Fall finally*!!🍁🌰🎃⛄🎄
*as far as the weather at least. The 10 day forecast call for one possible 80 degree day and 7 possible days of rain. Now that’s more like it. Portland needs to stay Portlandy.