I would have to say that ever since the divorce my life seems to go in 2-3 month intervals of waiting, watching, trying something new, feeling something out, testing waters, trying to figure out my next move and more waiting.
But this next interval is going to at least provide me with a more permanent and stable resolution once it’s over and for that I am so truly happy.
I have been wondering what I could offer people that would provide more ease while also providing more income. Something people see enough value in to spend their money. This is not exactly an easy question right now being that I don’t even know where we will be living 3 months from now.
I wish everyone saw the value in colon hydrotherapy. How difficult is it to understand that it’s just maintenance. Cleaning pipes out. Simple, logical and so beneficial to see for oneself how ones body processes food. Our digestion is one of the most crucial aspects of daily quality of life. And that’s without even taking into account the largest and most powerful microbiome system within us; in the gut.
I am meeting the only doctor in the area who does fecal transplants next week. I am super excited about it. She has been doing it for a bit and while I am not sure I agree with all of her methods, I also don’t know the full story of her practice yet. She said she has been wanting to work more closely with a colon hydrotherapist too, so there is that. I’m just happy to talk and be able to discuss the methodology with her. I find it absolutely fascinating.
I’m not going to worry about what’s going to happen with the house for now. Im just going to try my hardest to keep it and stay in Oregon. Even if I have to momentarily give up the dream of living in it and providing my children with a stable home of their own.
I finally broke down last night and asked my mom directly about possibly having high functioning autism. I listed all the reasons why I came to that conclusion and her takeaway was that it wasn’t possible because I am hypertactile and hypersexual and that is not an autistic characteristic.
I’m definitely not trying to label myself something I am not, but understanding oneself deeply helps one accept and navigate their shortcomings and strengths better.
Here is the list I sent her.
1) I didn’t start speaking at all until almost 3 years old. Like not even one word, literally.
2) I liked to bang myself into walls full force as a very young child.
3) I am hypersensitive. Large crowds, loud sounds and strong smells are sometimes very hard for me and I need a lot of downtime to recover from overstimulation.
4) I have body quirks I’ve had to learn to not do by sheer force of will and practice.
5) I don’t have great social skills: like small talk. I’ve learned to force myself sometimes, but usually I just stay quiet by preference.
6) I am blunt to the point of hurting people sometimes and I’ve never learned how to regulate that very well, even when I try hard not to. I can play it off as humor sometimes or rather people laugh about it, which I’ve also never quite understood.
7) I also laugh at awkward times, when a lot of people don’t laugh. People sometimes think I’m making fun of them because of this, which is absolutely not the case, but it does make for awkward exchanges sometimes. I began to notice that about myself when I would go to movies and laugh when no one else did.
8) I am compulsively honest and can’t mask my facial expressions very well.
9) I generally understand and get along very well with other autistic people.
*But who knows. If I do have it I don’t see it as a fault at all. I would just like to have more mastery over myself and this is me trying to understand all facets of my behavior better. Labels are stupid in all realms in my opinion, but I understand their function. I just don’t agree with how they are used to separate people into a class structure. But people seem to love putting things in boxes and then never having to think about them again.
Like “you’re ______” and that’s it. Once the title has been assigned they move on from further evaluation and whatever value they assigned to it stays there, usually permanently. People for all their complexity and intelligence are rather unmalleable in their opinions, which is sad because opinions are just idiocyncrasies and prejudices that were usually set by outside forces. And once we see them as adaptable and varied we will be much more capable of getting along with each other better.
But anyway. I have tons of work to do today. Music and motivation.
Big hug to you all.
*I can also not clearly understand peoples motivations for doing things. I’ve explained this before. I don’t always understand why people say and do the things they do but I can almost always feel people’s emotions fairly well. Being so sensitive has helped me in that regard. People call it intuitive or psychic. But I think it’s just a matter of being very sensitive to something unspoken. I think we all have this ability to some extent.