Existential crisis (rant, rage, questioning everything) – Long and Boring – don’t read…. I totally won’t hold it against you.

Yesterday I splurged, if you can call it that. I ate a load of junk food; too much and way more things I don’t typically eat. It wasn’t the stomach pain, or nightmares and hard time sleeping that was the worst part, it was the brain fog. I literally walked all over the grocery store like a zombie forgetting why I even came in at one point.

Walked in literal circles which, if you know my obsessive need for efficiency, is something I never do. It took twice as long as normal because I literally felt like I was stuck in a deep fog inside my own brain. I do not miss that feeling. You get used to it though, I know because I lived that for many years before I started to realize there was a problem….before they wanted to diagnose me with Chronic Fatigue.

This only cements my need to eat clean further. I tend to feed the girls very clean, organics for the soft skin fruits, non GMO for over 80% of everything else, non hormone/antibiotics grown food, etc. Clean brands like Annie’s for kids food. I mean I try at least. We still live in a corrupt world with food that isn’t even viable served as perfectly acceptable. I ate a muffin I’ve been buying for the kids at Grocery Outlet marketed as “natural ingredients” yesterday.

I had to throw them all out. The chemical almond flavoring left a nasty aftertaste in my mouth I could not get out for a long while. Fucking disgusting!! That is not food. I was looking at the cheese I was eating, thinking of the McDonald’s burger from the 80’s someone tried to sell on eBay that looked no different than what you would see in a happy meal box today. That can’t possibly be real food. How many preservatives, chemicals, and additives does the body need in its daily requirements? Let me answer that for clarification….. NONE!! Abso-fucking-lutely none.

It makes me mad. Sure I can do my best. I am grateful we have options, albeit very expensive ones, but they are available. But it should not be this way. I rage because the world for all its good people, for all its splendor and majesty is a fucking shit-show. The corruption of everything, every system, every process, every order, every sect, every business and government (maybe not all, but most it seems) is unacceptable to me.

I can’t just blame some faceless entity anymore. I have to blame each and every one of us for accepting this bullshit as normal. Because……while I am so grateful for the goodness I do see and in my own life I can not be happy to win my own battle when the war wages on.

So sure….. maybe I can win my own conflicts, but that doesn’t stop the bloodshed. So I rail against it. I rattle the cages because I’m not trying to just survive…..I’m trying to actually make a difference. I’m trying to leave this world ever so tiny bit better for me having been here, for however much longer I have.

So I rage against our frankenfood system, the treatment of the marginalized, the endessly stupid wars, the taking over of the rights to make decisions for our own bodies and our children’s lives, the lack of help for pedophiles and their victims, the medical field that stifles real cures that aren’t profitable for the pharmaceutical companies who are joining forces with those poisoning our food supply. (Monsanto and Bayer🀬 I’m looking at you.)

Because “profits are desirable at any cost” is the real corporate motto of 99% of every company on the stock market, ever. They never tell you the cost they are talking about is never them and theirs, it’s always the “little people”….the “others”….. thinks almost every CEO and Board of Directors everywhere. They don’t give a shit, no matter what they might say. But……

I can’t blame CEO’s, the governments, corporate greed, war mongers, magalomaniacs. They don’t live in a bubble. They weren’t created in a lab. We created them. This world created all its issues and we all just suck it up. Im sick of it. Sick of it!! It all starts with lies and turning a blind eye for the sake of what…… comfort? Self-preservation is vile. What are we preserving?

I’m not trying to put a target on my back. I’m not trying to form a cavalcade. BUT, I am sick of putting up with this shit and the whole “it could be worse”, “don’t rock the boat”, “tow the line”, “what can we do about it anyway?” bullshit is too old and tired and inept. I’d rather die like Joan of Arc then live like Eeyore the rest of this experience. I’m not saying I have or want that clout, but I’d rather veer on the side of anger than self-pity and despair.

The time has come for anger. You do you boo’s. But I’m gonna speak my fucking mind come what may. My truth will be told. I’m in a “not putting up with this shit anymore” mood. But…..

don’t worry too much….πŸ”« – it’s gonna be full of holy water, blessed by “tough bitches” prayers. Much better than bullets, I think. Let’s see if we can revive some dead souls and turn around some corrupt, selfish assholes.

Flush yourselves out…. bastards. Come out of your fortresses of lies. Account for your sins now before the devil comes to claim you at death. People are so short sighted in that regard.

If only I could show people how horrible hell really is. If only I could impart the reality of that to people. It’s so much worse than any evil we have here. So much worse!!! But given what is here I’m sure most find that hard to believe, and I really can’t blame them. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ™„

I TRULY don’t feel any honor in saying I have experienced both heaven and hell in this reality. I don’t consider it a privilege. It’s like asking an idiot savant if they are happy to be savant. Most people probably think I’m crazy. This isn’t something I asked for. It just isn’t. It’s not even something I understand the why or how of.

If anything it makes my life so much more complicated, because you can’t unknow what you know. I don’t have that liberty. I can still choose, but I know at least three of the options of the afterlife of this world. I’m sure there are more, but I’m not there yet.

Wonder if I ever will know the rest. I wish I could devote my life completely to existential research and experiences. But that seems a bit implausible right now. Who knows though. Life seems to put one where it wants one to be and I’m still trying to figure out where exactly I belong.

You tell me God, life, Divinity, fate!!!! I’m just a humble servant awaiting directions. Ever so glad to be given this heart and soul to show me the way back home, through all the muck of this world. Watching out for quicksand seems to be a full time job though, I tell ya.

Hatred seems to be the easiest pit to fall into. So I try not to go there. I try to keep my heart open to all. I get that we all have our own trajectories, weaknesses and reasonings. But for me personally. … .

No excuses. No justifications. No lies. No self-seeking.

Bring me liberty and truth. Real liberty. Real truth. I want to wake up from this Twilight Zone reality already. There must be a way. I won’t take death for the only answer. I just don’t.

They say seek and you shall find. So…… alrighty then……. let’s do this.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

12 thoughts on “Existential crisis (rant, rage, questioning everything) – Long and Boring – don’t read…. I totally won’t hold it against you.”

  1. After reading it, nope, not gonna read it either. As an aside, almond extract is just nasty given how it’s made and similar to how some vanilla extracts are made, which calls for a lot of alcohol – which is why you always look for and buy pure vanilla or almond but be prepared to open your wallet for the real good stuff.

    A lot of idiot savants don’t know or understand that they’re a savant; they just are. Whether it can be seen as some kind of privilege to be happy about is questionable since no one asks to be a savant… anymore than any of us ask to be born into this thing we call life. When The Temptations recorded, “You Make Your Own Heaven and Hell,” they said it right and many people firmly believe that the only real heaven and hell are those of our own construction.

    Thus, your life is only going to be as good as you’re able to make it… and no one really escapes “hell” – it just comes with the territory. There is a reason why we’re told – or eventually find out – that life ain’t fair and what much of what life is supposed to be is a fairy tale, pipe dream, or some other form of wishful thinking that, more often than not, doesn’t match the reality you find yourself living in… like natural ingredient muffins with that nasty-assed almond extract.

    They say you are what you eat; they say that we should eat to live rather than live to eat – all good sentiments but, yeah, while you’re seeking that gastronomic heaven to insure the best health possible, the hell of it runs right alongside it so it gets kinda biblical: “Lead us not unto temptation…”

    Wait until you get to be my age; I’ve found that I have a very different appreciation for life having made it to senior citizen status. The world is generally fucked and not in a good way (and maybe we could get un-fucked if we all did more fucking); I know it, I’ve seen it so my mission is to not let the world’s many issues screw up making my heavenly moments… heavenly. But if it’s to be some hell, well, been there, waded through it, came out the other side more or less in one piece.

    Ain’t complaining too much about that – it is what it’s gonna be – but, at the least, I’m still here and doing the best I can with what I have to work with. Privilege? I don’t think so… it is always a work-in-progress and one with lots of room for improvements so I keep my sleeves rolled up and I work it…

    Because the alternatives suck.


    1. Work it!!

      The alternative is unknown but it isn’t like this so….let’s just assume it is better here. Lol

      I love everything you said. Especially about the more sex part. I think if everyone was adequately sexed up we would indeed have many less problems or at the very least A LOT more “heavenly moments” as you said. Lol

      I’m all about heavenly moments; either kind and preferably ample of both. πŸ˜‰πŸ™πŸ½πŸ’—πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ€€


      1. I’m of a mind that it is better here.

        Sex. We’re funny about it. We know we want it, know we need it, and know how fucked up things can be with and for us when we’re not getting it… and things start to snowball until we stop resisting – and finding reasons not to have sex – and just frigging do it.

        I don’t know about anyone else but I’d rather “regret” doing it than find myself regretting that I didn’t. You still make your own heaven and hell right here on earth and, yeah, I do believe that if people got laid more, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Nothing ticks me off more than the fact that chips/processed foods are less expensive than natural foods. Fruits and Veggies. Why am I paying $13 for 2 apples and for the same price can buy 6 bags of potato chips. Which don’t go bad and easy in the lunch. I work in a grocery store and my customers and I have had this conversation more then once. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know. Exactly. If we are going to subsidize farmers shouldn’t the public also reap those benefits? Instead of them throwing out time of food because it isn’t worthwhile taking it to market. Loathsome system we have.


      1. On top of that though is the fact that customers will not buy product that maybe dated in 3 days and won’t buy. People who find 1 moldy blueberry and think the entire container should be thrown out. People who misread prices and take items home return them and when realize it needs to be thrown out shrug their shoulders and don’t care. I go both ways. I need and want better food but as devil’s advocate were people to pay more attention to pricing and not flip out over 1 rotten blueberry or orange as examples retailer ends would not have to increase costs so much. This is but a small example. If you were to spend the day hanging out with me at work you would be appalled at customer behaviour.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I bet. People can be pretty horrible sometimes and expectations are so out of line.

          I was buying produce from a company called imperfect produce. Sure enough, some of it was ugly or due to go back very quickly and it wasn’t exactly cheap. It was comparable but also delivered to my door and fun to see what surprise items they had. All organic (was what I chose). It was great except I didn’t end up using it all and that became wasteful too. So I stopped. But I love the concept that it doesn’t have to be pretty. It just has to be nutrient dense and locally sourced was a huge boon.

          Nutrient dense….. instead of nutrient deficient which is what most junk food and fast food is. Should come with a label: Not real food, no nutritional content, may cause disease, eat at your own risk. Like cigarettes. Lol


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