Yesterday I splurged, if you can call it that. I ate a load of junk food; too much and way more things I don’t typically eat. It wasn’t the stomach pain, or nightmares and hard time sleeping that was the worst part, it was the brain fog. I literally walked all over the grocery store like a zombie forgetting why I even came in at one point.
Walked in literal circles which, if you know my obsessive need for efficiency, is something I never do. It took twice as long as normal because I literally felt like I was stuck in a deep fog inside my own brain. I do not miss that feeling. You get used to it though, I know because I lived that for many years before I started to realize there was a problem….before they wanted to diagnose me with Chronic Fatigue.
This only cements my need to eat clean further. I tend to feed the girls very clean, organics for the soft skin fruits, non GMO for over 80% of everything else, non hormone/antibiotics grown food, etc. Clean brands like Annie’s for kids food. I mean I try at least. We still live in a corrupt world with food that isn’t even viable served as perfectly acceptable. I ate a muffin I’ve been buying for the kids at Grocery Outlet marketed as “natural ingredients” yesterday.
I had to throw them all out. The chemical almond flavoring left a nasty aftertaste in my mouth I could not get out for a long while. Fucking disgusting!! That is not food. I was looking at the cheese I was eating, thinking of the McDonald’s burger from the 80’s someone tried to sell on eBay that looked no different than what you would see in a happy meal box today. That can’t possibly be real food. How many preservatives, chemicals, and additives does the body need in its daily requirements? Let me answer that for clarification….. NONE!! Abso-fucking-lutely none.
It makes me mad. Sure I can do my best. I am grateful we have options, albeit very expensive ones, but they are available. But it should not be this way. I rage because the world for all its good people, for all its splendor and majesty is a fucking shit-show. The corruption of everything, every system, every process, every order, every sect, every business and government (maybe not all, but most it seems) is unacceptable to me.
I can’t just blame some faceless entity anymore. I have to blame each and every one of us for accepting this bullshit as normal. Because……while I am so grateful for the goodness I do see and in my own life I can not be happy to win my own battle when the war wages on.
So sure….. maybe I can win my own conflicts, but that doesn’t stop the bloodshed. So I rail against it. I rattle the cages because I’m not trying to just survive…..I’m trying to actually make a difference. I’m trying to leave this world ever so tiny bit better for me having been here, for however much longer I have.
So I rage against our frankenfood system, the treatment of the marginalized, the endessly stupid wars, the taking over of the rights to make decisions for our own bodies and our children’s lives, the lack of help for pedophiles and their victims, the medical field that stifles real cures that aren’t profitable for the pharmaceutical companies who are joining forces with those poisoning our food supply. (Monsanto and Bayer🤬 I’m looking at you.)
Because “profits are desirable at any cost” is the real corporate motto of 99% of every company on the stock market, ever. They never tell you the cost they are talking about is never them and theirs, it’s always the “little people”….the “others”….. thinks almost every CEO and Board of Directors everywhere. They don’t give a shit, no matter what they might say. But……
I can’t blame CEO’s, the governments, corporate greed, war mongers, magalomaniacs. They don’t live in a bubble. They weren’t created in a lab. We created them. This world created all its issues and we all just suck it up. Im sick of it. Sick of it!! It all starts with lies and turning a blind eye for the sake of what…… comfort? Self-preservation is vile. What are we preserving?
I’m not trying to put a target on my back. I’m not trying to form a cavalcade. BUT, I am sick of putting up with this shit and the whole “it could be worse”, “don’t rock the boat”, “tow the line”, “what can we do about it anyway?” bullshit is too old and tired and inept. I’d rather die like Joan of Arc then live like Eeyore the rest of this experience. I’m not saying I have or want that clout, but I’d rather veer on the side of anger than self-pity and despair.
The time has come for anger. You do you boo’s. But I’m gonna speak my fucking mind come what may. My truth will be told. I’m in a “not putting up with this shit anymore” mood. But…..
don’t worry too much….🔫 – it’s gonna be full of holy water, blessed by “tough bitches” prayers. Much better than bullets, I think. Let’s see if we can revive some dead souls and turn around some corrupt, selfish assholes.
Flush yourselves out…. bastards. Come out of your fortresses of lies. Account for your sins now before the devil comes to claim you at death. People are so short sighted in that regard.
If only I could show people how horrible hell really is. If only I could impart the reality of that to people. It’s so much worse than any evil we have here. So much worse!!! But given what is here I’m sure most find that hard to believe, and I really can’t blame them. 🤷🏽♀️🙄
I TRULY don’t feel any honor in saying I have experienced both heaven and hell in this reality. I don’t consider it a privilege. It’s like asking an idiot savant if they are happy to be savant. Most people probably think I’m crazy. This isn’t something I asked for. It just isn’t. It’s not even something I understand the why or how of.
If anything it makes my life so much more complicated, because you can’t unknow what you know. I don’t have that liberty. I can still choose, but I know at least three of the options of the afterlife of this world. I’m sure there are more, but I’m not there yet.
Wonder if I ever will know the rest. I wish I could devote my life completely to existential research and experiences. But that seems a bit implausible right now. Who knows though. Life seems to put one where it wants one to be and I’m still trying to figure out where exactly I belong.
You tell me God, life, Divinity, fate!!!! I’m just a humble servant awaiting directions. Ever so glad to be given this heart and soul to show me the way back home, through all the muck of this world. Watching out for quicksand seems to be a full time job though, I tell ya.
Hatred seems to be the easiest pit to fall into. So I try not to go there. I try to keep my heart open to all. I get that we all have our own trajectories, weaknesses and reasonings. But for me personally. … .
No excuses. No justifications. No lies. No self-seeking.
Bring me liberty and truth. Real liberty. Real truth. I want to wake up from this Twilight Zone reality already. There must be a way. I won’t take death for the only answer. I just don’t.
They say seek and you shall find. So…… alrighty then……. let’s do this.