Figuring oneself out…..
The intricacies of who we are: past the lies, the illusions, the props and sets we build for our stories, past the things we think matter and the things we wish to remain hidden. Past the accolades and accomplishments, past the sins and collusions lies the reality of who we truly are….hidden beneath the rubble of masks we have attempted to be.
I am still trying to define myself and I’ve come to see that what I’ve been seeking all along is indeed a slave.
I refer to two points I was reflecting on this morning.
1) The happiest time in my relationship with Kurt in 2017 was the time he gave me complete control. He put me in charge of all aspects of his life and our relationship. It was so much fun and it was a turning point for me understanding something about myself too. That I enjoyed that dynamic with every fiber of my being.
2) when I met Brad last year it was at a Femdom event. He was getting beaten savagely by Mistress Gemini and taking it, with hardly a whimper. I was immediately drawn to him and when I realized he was the man I had been corresponding with on Fet and put it all together: his wit, intelligence, charm and now this….his complete, and willing surrender. My heart just leaped.
Neither of these relationships worked out for many reasons. Maybe the relationship with Brad could have progressed had he learned to submit to me completely instead of trying to make me into some sex depraved cohort. Everything I wanted for him, and for us, was also for his benefit… but he was too stubborn to see it. Our visions for the future aligned but not the paths.
It’s like I tell the kids jokingly “all ways are the Queen’s ways”*. So when I say this, the kids always laugh. I laugh. It’s funny. However I do truly mean it. I am the leader of this band and while I take all players and needs into consideration, ultimately I am the one who makes the final calls. I like it that way. The weight of that is a luxury I can afford to bear, gladly and willingly, even on the bad days, even with the bad calls.
So I just have to come clean with myself here once and for all. I don’t want to just “fit” into someone’s life or someone to just “fit” into mine. That to me is the place of a friend or a lover. No!! I want to BE someone’s life. I’m not saying this is for everyone. I’m not saying this is “healthy” or commonplace.
I am saying that this is what I want and need from a man. I need a man to give me his all, happily and helplessly because that is the extent of his love an devotion. And anything less is ok in the transitory sense of crossing paths in life, but it will not suffice the burning need for the depths of passion and sacrifice I need to claim my love.
I am simply speaking my truth about it…. finally…… now….. and while I don’t expect many to understand….. I really don’t care anymore. Alone is not a travesty. Miserable is……
And I am not that….. thankfully.
There are some femdom events coming up this month. I may go to a couple. This girl needs a good unleashing. I may even play a little.
*Now obviously I’m no red queen and I don’t want a spineless, obsequious yes man at my side. This is a nuance lost to some people not understanding the power exchange dynamic. Two strong, intelligent people can have this kind of relationship and both thrive very well and be completely fulfilled in it. But people don’t know what they don’t know….. now do they……lol ..anyways.