A slave indeed

Figuring oneself out…..

The intricacies of who we are: past the lies, the illusions, the props and sets we build for our stories, past the things we think matter and the things we wish to remain hidden. Past the accolades and accomplishments, past the sins and collusions lies the reality of who we truly are….hidden beneath the rubble of masks we have attempted to be.

I am still trying to define myself and I’ve come to see that what I’ve been seeking all along is indeed a slave.

I refer to two points I was reflecting on this morning.

1) The happiest time in my relationship with Kurt in 2017 was the time he gave me complete control. He put me in charge of all aspects of his life and our relationship. It was so much fun and it was a turning point for me understanding something about myself too. That I enjoyed that dynamic with every fiber of my being.

2) when I met Brad last year it was at a Femdom event. He was getting beaten savagely by Mistress Gemini and taking it, with hardly a whimper. I was immediately drawn to him and when I realized he was the man I had been corresponding with on Fet and put it all together: his wit, intelligence, charm and now this….his complete, and willing surrender. My heart just leaped.

Neither of these relationships worked out for many reasons. Maybe the relationship with Brad could have progressed had he learned to submit to me completely instead of trying to make me into some sex depraved cohort. Everything I wanted for him, and for us, was also for his benefit… but he was too stubborn to see it. Our visions for the future aligned but not the paths.

It’s like I tell the kids jokingly “all ways are the Queen’s ways”*. So when I say this, the kids always laugh. I laugh. It’s funny. However I do truly mean it. I am the leader of this band and while I take all players and needs into consideration, ultimately I am the one who makes the final calls. I like it that way. The weight of that is a luxury I can afford to bear, gladly and willingly, even on the bad days, even with the bad calls.

So I just have to come clean with myself here once and for all. I don’t want to just “fit” into someone’s life or someone to just “fit” into mine. That to me is the place of a friend or a lover. No!! I want to BE someone’s life. I’m not saying this is for everyone. I’m not saying this is “healthy” or commonplace.

I am saying that this is what I want and need from a man. I need a man to give me his all, happily and helplessly because that is the extent of his love an devotion. And anything less is ok in the transitory sense of crossing paths in life, but it will not suffice the burning need for the depths of passion and sacrifice I need to claim my love.

I am simply speaking my truth about it…. finally…… now….. and while I don’t expect many to understand….. I really don’t care anymore. Alone is not a travesty. Miserable is……

And I am not that….. thankfully.

There are some femdom events coming up this month. I may go to a couple. This girl needs a good unleashing. I may even play a little.

πŸ’‹β£οΈπŸ˜‰

——

*Now obviously I’m no red queen and I don’t want a spineless, obsequious yes man at my side. This is a nuance lost to some people not understanding the power exchange dynamic. Two strong, intelligent people can have this kind of relationship and both thrive very well and be completely fulfilled in it. But people don’t know what they don’t know….. now do they……lol ..anyways.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

9 thoughts on “A slave indeed”

  1. Hmm. I’ve been enthralled by FLR TPE M/s dynamics since I heard of them which wasn’t long ago. However after being in a relationship with a Miss of my own for a few months I’ve really come to appreciate the feeling of lowering oneself to someone you respect. There are always nuanced desires that muddle the mind and while pleasurable I’ve found the most satisfaction when there is no objectification or infatuation, but rather just pure submission. When both parties are genuine friends and the total control comes as a mutual desire, sparks can fly. It’s an incredible feeling that I wish I could experience more of and offer ever increasing submission but time right now seems to be a factor in keeping me from pursuing that dream. I have a strong desire to give my everything to my Miss, naming it Her own by extension of owning me because it sets me in that ultimate feeling of subspace, although this is limited because I’m just dating at the moment and haven’t found or been accepted by a true Mistress. The thought that what I make financially and deciding mentally belongs to Her, with these notions affirmed through routine, really lights my heart on fire though. I love giving, but it can be a dangerous slope to travel down so it requires a lot of trust.

    So essentially I really admire your pursuit for total dominance over a man and really wish I could be so lucky as to find something like that someday. Hehe. Maybe after I switch jobs from Amazon to Walgreens for a new pharmacy technician role and am making more cash I’ll be able to look for that dream partner? Time will tell. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Time will always tell. Yes.

      I appreciate that you take such consideration of your income as a benefit you can bring to a relationship. But I don’t think you should let that deter you from what you’re seeking now. IMO

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And as far as income goes I’m making 16.50 an hour but I still don’t have a car due to recently moving back from Georgia, so I wanted to save up a bit before I really went all out on trying to offer myself to a Mistress. I currently only have one women I’ve been seeing on a weekly basis that is really nice and teases me incredibly well, but she’s also very shy and not too verbal which I love and miss. 😭

        I keep my dating pretty pure though so all we’ve done is mild impact play and teasing. No sex yet. It’s strange though that I don’t mind being denied of it. After a long night out of just trading conversation and teasing I go home completely satisfied. Well, not completely but content enough. The week build up before we meet, with all the outlying dynamics and sausy texts that I won’t mention here are what really tortures me. xD

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I just realized I’m being a huge hypocrite. You at least are dating. But women will take into account future earnings. They can make those calculations in a split second. Lol.

      I know what I want, on paper. It is uncharted territory. I’ve had FLR’s, but I’m not a high protocol person. However there is a time and place for it and if it helps with subspace I’m all for it. Subspace is a yummy place to be indeed. I’m honestly not sure which I like more; sexually. Outside of sex it’s probably pretty obvious who is in charge. Lol. Which means I may need two partners or a man capable of topping me, or a switch sexually that has like you said “a strong desire to give” of himself and his love and devotion.

      Guess I’ll know it when I see it. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Totally. I really love the thought of my Miss being free and fully satisfied in a one sided polyamorous dynamic while I’m expected to remain devoted unless under supervision. There are just so many fantasies I have in regards to that, but again it requires trust because I still want to have a special dog bowl with my name on it at the end of the day (metaphorically 😁) and not lose out on possible chances to earn affection. I love protocol because it gives me chances to express my submission and it’s incredibly sexy being commanded and expected to adhere to a certain manner or routine to demonstrate your continued respect and admiration. Demonstrating respect, being kept to a certain standard, being humbled through the process, all of it adds to build upon the dynamic.

        Liked by 1 person

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