I have rules for myself. I follow them as if I were to be penalized severely because feeling bad and hating myself is indeed one of the worst outcomes I can think of. One of these rules is that I don’t take pot when the kids are awake. Nor do I take it when I have plans early the next morning as sometimes it causes me insomnia*.
Pot is almost always a very pleasant experience full of introspection, dreamscapes and deep relaxation. However, sometimes I wake up a bit groggy and other times completely refreshed and I can’t ascertain which it will be beforehand. So it’s just better to not do it when I am needing to be fully present early the next day.
So between not wanting to travel with THC, it not being readily available on every street corner in New York (like it is in Portland) and having to hit the ground running with work the moment I got back I haven’t indulged in quite a bit of time. It’s fine. Considering I may have to take a drug test for this new opportunity soon it’s probably for the best. I do miss it, but not as much as I thought I would. Still though. I write more then too, but that’s also just because I’m up and being overly-pensive.
I’ve been asked by two clients this week why I’m not dating. I have many good answers, but the most valid is probably that it’s not a priority and I don’t want to look for the time. Plus, I just don’t want to go through the rigamarole of it all. The back and forth of tedious questions and formal assessments. 😣🙄. No thanks! I’m good. I don’t feel the need and I don’t feel I’m missing out on anything. Kind of like my sex life. It just feels irrelevant and unnecessary right now. I have no expectations, derision or anger surrounding this. I’m just not putting any effort, energy or emotion into it.
This is the first time in my life that I’m single and not consumed with longing for a partner, a romp, or a seduction. It’s so liberating that I’m perfectly content to stay here. I don’t feel like I’m in limbo either. I feel free to be fully myself without having to worry about meeting anyone’s expectations or fall into a specified role. It’s a really cool place to find myself in life. I never knew this place of satisfaction with myself existed. This place of deep comfort in my own skin and not trying or feeling the need to find someone or something outside of myself for it is the best feeling in the world. 😉❣️💋
*When I’m not taking pot for pain, anxiety or insomnia, I enjoy it for the way it helps me get in touch with myself on a deeper level.
It’s funny that the thing I take for insomnia can cause it too. But there is a difference between having the anxious and stressful insomnia that has you tossing and turning and the kind that has you smiling and enjoying yourself and your quiet time alone.