Men are alluring
Women are beautiful
And I am always enchanted
When I’m not dismayed
And sometimes even through that……
But as of late and especially since Brad
And maybe because of all the difficulties I’m going through right now
And all the way around
I feel a bit heartbroken
And just full of heartache in general
I have been getting approached on FetLife.
Which is the only online social media site I am on besides this one. What can I say….. this is my form of socializing, especially since I don’t get out much or engage much when I do.
Often when men “approach” me, my first question is “what is it you really want?” and most people are somewhat forthcoming. It always makes me draw the question back to myself and I am at a total loss there.
Truthfully I just want to be happy.
I want to love and be loved maddeningly, deeply, truly, all encompassing. But of course there are other parameters, because aren’t there always. The thing is…I can’t delineate them. Because every relationship, and every person you have said relationship with, brings out a different result. There is no method to that madness.
It’s like asking me to determine where the fall will land in a long jump after you’ve wiped the slate clean from the last attempt. I can’t say what will come, how it will go, where it will end up. I don’t set those parameters. Should I?
I was trying to get myself to fall asleep last night so I thought to myself where would be my ideal honeymoon. If I were to ever have one and I absolutely couldn’t fathom it. Try as I might. It didn’t materialize in my mind, no matter how much of an attempt I made and I’m ok with that.
Because right now I am at a point where I just want to focus on myself, entirely. I want to focus on my immediate needs, the kiddos, my businesses, my health. While I don’t want to let go of the dream. I’m not hanging a hat on it. If and when it comes it comes and however and whoever that is will be who and how it’s meant to be.
I was looking at pictures of my mother when she was about my age at my aunt’s house. She was so gorgeous and the thought came to my head “why didn’t she capitalize on that?” I immediately admonished myself. But still…. why didn’t she find the love she sought for herself? And the thought came to my mind that she never stopped to evaluate herself, her issues and work on her junk; like her childhood trauma and low self-esteem.
She’s way too strong and stubborn for that, of course. And that ended up costing her dearly, still does… although I doubt she sees it all that clearly. But I don’t want to make that same mistake. I want to find someone with a heart of gold. But I have to be at a point where I can not only truly let that love in, but feel deeply and truly worthy of it. Am I there yet? Mmmmmmmmmm
Not sure. The hesitation itself makes me think not though. Will I ever get there? Sure. Probably. But……
The point of this all is being in love with myself and my life first. Appreciating and loving what I have and who I am without needing anyone or anything outside myself to validate that. And I don’t need to dangle true love in front of myself like a carrot to understand that the lesson itself is more valuable than any of its riches. Now do I? 💋❣️