Alanis Morissette morning

Men are alluring

Women are beautiful

And I am always enchanted

When I’m not dismayed

And sometimes even through that……

But as of late and especially since Brad

And maybe because of all the difficulties I’m going through right now

Financially

Personally

And all the way around

I feel a bit heartbroken

And just full of heartache in general

——-

I have been getting approached on FetLife.

Which is the only online social media site I am on besides this one. What can I say….. this is my form of socializing, especially since I don’t get out much or engage much when I do.

Often when men “approach” me, my first question is “what is it you really want?” and most people are somewhat forthcoming. It always makes me draw the question back to myself and I am at a total loss there.

Truthfully I just want to be happy.

I want to love and be loved maddeningly, deeply, truly, all encompassing. But of course there are other parameters, because aren’t there always. The thing is…I can’t delineate them. Because every relationship, and every person you have said relationship with, brings out a different result. There is no method to that madness.

It’s like asking me to determine where the fall will land in a long jump after you’ve wiped the slate clean from the last attempt. I can’t say what will come, how it will go, where it will end up. I don’t set those parameters. Should I?

I was trying to get myself to fall asleep last night so I thought to myself where would be my ideal honeymoon. If I were to ever have one and I absolutely couldn’t fathom it. Try as I might. It didn’t materialize in my mind, no matter how much of an attempt I made and I’m ok with that.

Because right now I am at a point where I just want to focus on myself, entirely. I want to focus on my immediate needs, the kiddos, my businesses, my health. While I don’t want to let go of the dream. I’m not hanging a hat on it. If and when it comes it comes and however and whoever that is will be who and how it’s meant to be.

I was looking at pictures of my mother when she was about my age at my aunt’s house. She was so gorgeous and the thought came to my head “why didn’t she capitalize on that?” I immediately admonished myself. But still…. why didn’t she find the love she sought for herself? And the thought came to my mind that she never stopped to evaluate herself, her issues and work on her junk; like her childhood trauma and low self-esteem.

She’s way too strong and stubborn for that, of course. And that ended up costing her dearly, still does… although I doubt she sees it all that clearly. But I don’t want to make that same mistake. I want to find someone with a heart of gold. But I have to be at a point where I can not only truly let that love in, but feel deeply and truly worthy of it. Am I there yet? Mmmmmmmmmm

Not sure. The hesitation itself makes me think not though. Will I ever get there? Sure. Probably. But……

The point of this all is being in love with myself and my life first. Appreciating and loving what I have and who I am without needing anyone or anything outside myself to validate that. And I don’t need to dangle true love in front of myself like a carrot to understand that the lesson itself is more valuable than any of its riches. Now do I? πŸ’‹β£οΈ

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

2 thoughts on “Alanis Morissette morning”

  1. You’ll find someone that completes you. From listening to your standards it sounds like you want a submissive pup but one that actually has his life shit together and is a standup guy. Haha. There are some out there but I would start out platonic because honestly supposed submissive men can actually be even more selfish and fake then dominant guys. It’s weird how that works but I guess they’re just strokers. The gratuity of fetlife really highlights that, although underneath it all you can find rare gems.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Strokers?

      The gratuity of FetLife….

      Lol

      Thanks Colt!

      It’s just not on my to do list anymore. Not a priority whatsoever. We shall see though.

      Never considered a pup. Right now I’m not feeling uber dominant but I’ll never be submissive. People take my calm, quiet nature as submissive but it truly isn’t. It’s accommodating and go with the flow…to great extent, but never tiny or another’s detriment.

      You’re right about someone having their shit together. I’m not in the mood for a project. However it’s a big ask when I don’t have my shit together completely myself. Inside I’m good, but on paper……financially, and as far as the ex (baggage) that comes with me…. probably not so much. But I’m absolutely not sweating it. I know what I give and have to offer. It’s a matter of seeing if my counterpart shows up, eventually, maybe.

      But my whole point though, is I’m at a point where I’m perfectly ok if they don’t.

      Like

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