I’m miserable…..

I’m miserable and I’m only here visiting. I get to leave in 4 nights, which truthfully isn’t soon enough. I got in an argument with my aunt last night. I told her she needs to come home with me. I can book her on my same flight. She told me she could not do that for all good reasons. 1) I am not in a stable housing situation myself. 2) her only happiness is going out every day to get coffee and she would not be able to do that on her own where I live. 3) all she knows, her life, her doctors, all of it is here.

I wanted to cry but I was too angry and heartbroken and had a huge headache. There is mold all over this place. I had to buy her a new shower head because it had black mold all over it. I haven’t been able to shower. White mold, black mold, everywhere. My feet are so swollen they hurt. My head hurts. I realize now I truly am still very sensitive.

She thinks there are mice and fleas. I am the queen of getting bit. If there is anything that will bite: fleas, mosquitoes, spiders…they will come for me. I have not been bit or seen anything beside one tiny cockroach. She bug sprays incessantly (when I’m not here) but last night I saw her spray it on herself when she thought I couldn’t see.

She tells me she makes too much for someone to come to her, like someone to clean or help her with cooking or whatever. I guess the government cap on that program is about $700 and her monthly social security payments are a hair over that, but she can’t change that. And she doesn’t make enough to pay for someone on her own either. Fucking asinine system!!!!!

She worked her entire adult life here in this country. Being a model citizen, paying taxes, she was a clothes designer and mostly an awesome seamstress to the top design houses here in the mecca of fashion in the US. Yet she has been left behind. What can’t I do? I feel so helpless.

My nervous system is revolting against being here between the chemicals and the mold. But I guess I’ll keep doing what I was planning on doing and help her clean as much as possible. The ceilings are 10 feet high, decrepid and moldy and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.

Sometimes I really hate this world!!!

But the rich seem to be planning their escape. Lol. Ok. Yea. Have fun with that. Reminds me a bit of the movie Elysium, maybe I shouldn’t have considered it fiction, except instead of a spaceship they get their own nice shiny new planet. I didn’t finish watching it truthfully so I can not say how that ended.


It all ends with death. Doesn’t it?

Sorry to be so morbid. That’s just where my head is today. I’ve got nothing uplifting to say. Except…..

God bless us all. πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒˆπŸ¦‹

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

8 thoughts on “I’m miserable…..”

  1. I’m telling you, Miss. Reddit. It’s anonymous but I feel there are a lot of experts you can get great advice from for these kinda of unique problems. Make a gofundme. If a dude can raise thousands of dollars for people to watch him eat a sandwich I’m sure someone out there would be willing to aid you. x.x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Eat a sandwich? Seriously? Wonders never cease.

      I don’t like to ask for help. I remember once I was starving, like quite literally. I hadn’t eaten for a real meal for a few days. I lived next to a Mexican restaurant and the guys all knew me there. I was so desperate I almost went to ask them for food to pay later (at some undefined time) and I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. Fortunately, I got a job at a hotel that fed me regular meals and paid me enough to move to a real apartment with a real kitchen that I could cook meals for myself when they weren’t feeding me.

      I just got in another fight with this woman (my aunt) because I wanted to call the super to take a look at the mold. She chewed me out. She says “then they will come move all my things”. I just want to scream!!!

      I don’t understand how life can be so unfair. How good people can face such horrible circumstances. I was thinking of those doctors fighting Ebola and of peacekeepers and on an on. People doing the right thing against extreme adversity and possibly even dying because of it.

      I’m here doing all I can, or all I am being allowed to do.

      I wish money didn’t exist. Wish we didn’t have that kind of system. I understand bartering, but I don’t understand a system that rewards the liars and thiefs; a world that rewards those willing to sacrifice their very souls for the benefit of themselves in this one very short lifetime. It boggles my mind.

      I’m spinning a bit. Not sure what to do. I wish I could take her to a hotel for a few days and get a cleaning crew in here to take care of all these issues. I believe in miracles but……I’m struggling with how to manifest them and while I believe strongly that we are all each other’s angels and savior’s in this world…….I don’t know where to go. And while I want to reach out for help I feel powerless and defeated and unsure how to even do that. I don’t see how Reddit could be any help here now. I am not saying it couldn’t be. Maybe it can. I’m just not sure I can do that.


  2. Well, you could have called the local housing inspectors and tell them about the mold; that’s a very serious health hazard. At the worst, she may be forced to move and, hopefully, she’ll get some help to relocate; maybe they’ll figure out a way to come in and get rid of the mold but it’s easier to condemn the place as unfit for human habitation.

    One of the sad things about being an American citizen is that too many people wind up falling through the bureaucratic cracks and unless one starts raising all kinds of hell, you can wind up like that woman in the story you shared and, equally sadly, only then will people wonder why this happened and how it was allowed to happen. Reforms get enacted and some people get pulled from the cracks – but not all – and while politicians and human rights activists pat each other on the back for being “proactive” – and when they’re really just being reactives – someone else falls through the cracks and the cycle starts all over again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So sad and so true. I love how you can cut right to the heart of things. No easy solutions of course but the current way isn’t it. That’s for sure.

      I can’t call the inspectors. I don’t know what will happen to her if I do. She doesn’t have a lot of options here. I will talk to the superintendent of the place and maybe hopefully the owners. I doubt they will care, as these costs are huge for remediation and I’m sure they are just waiting for her to die so they can quick patch it all and get it rented for 8 times what she pays now, with rent control. But I will try. It’s all I can do. Damn feet are so swollen. Who knew mold could do that? Crazy. Never had that happen to me before. As soon as we go outside my feel calm down but once we are back in it starts up again. So bizarre.


        1. She’s lived here 60 years. She’s 93. She’s the most stubborn person I know in a family of notoriously stubborn women. Lol.

          I can’t force her to leave and she can barely get around. I’m guessing if I call H.A. it will not go well for her. Not like they can put her up in the Ritz


          1. My mom lives in one of the most dangerous parts of the city she lives in; makes me and my sister insane when she tells us about people trying to break into her house, squatting under her deck, vandalizing the property and cars and all too often, bullets flying around at all times of day and night… and she will not leave. We know we can’t make her leave and at 84, she’s still as feisty and stubborn and even more when she was younger.

            The funny thing is that I get it; it’s been her home since like 1971 and I remember what she had to go through to be able to buy that house and even got to watch it being built from the ground up. She got the house paid off for good just the other day (after some refinancing, loans, etc.) so, yep, I get it… and hate that there’s nothing I/we can say or do to get her out of the danger zone.

            She tells me and my sister that God has protected her all this time and will continue to do so – I get that, too – but while God works in mysterious ways, I know how people work and the cops are in over their heads, slow to respond and too busy being reactive than proactive.

            Scares the shit out of me. Scares me even more to know that my sister and I can’t do or say anything to her about it so we both hope for the best while expecting the worst.

            Liked by 1 person

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