I have such a hard time taking much in life serious because I can see through the stupidity of it all. I can see the games we all play and the masks we all wear. It’s still fun to play sometimes but knowing it’s all a farce, that it’s all make-believe; knowing the idiocies of society and that the roles we play mean so very little. Being able to see the grand picture beyond the picture presented makes me give much less of a shit about most things.
There are still things I greatly value and admire and beliefs I hold tight to for my own stability and wellness. There are things I care about outside of myself; the world, its inhabitants.
Last night Donna and I were talking about sales. She’s a real estate agent so she does cold calls and soliciting of work from people. I was remembering having sales jobs and being hired at those two car dealerships I never ended up working at. I’m good at sales but not because I’m a good salesperson per say but simply because I genuinely like people and find most everyone has something interesting about them.
She suggested I start calling my old clients. I was thinking maybe a survey would be more in order. Like what did I do wrong? What did I do right? I can handle some constructive criticism, even if they might be things I can’t necessarily change. But that’s more work and I can’t stretch myself anymore than I am already.
Last night I also said “I hate people”. Donna made me repeat it, she was so shocked I said it. It absolutely isn’t true. I don’t know why I even said it. I don’t at all. I am just frustrated and I have no one person or thing to blame entirely. There have been villains at at every stage but they are more complex and dynamic than your average movie character ones and they can’t take all the blame for this situation.
Then she asked me if I was on anti-depressants. I laughed too hard. I’m an ass. I just hate scripts. This is a transitory issue. I know why I’m depressed. As soon as this blip roles by I’ll be back to myself. I’m fine. I’m not in any jeopordy of hurting anyone. I’m getting my shit handled. All the balls are in the air and I feel pretty ok all things considered. Maybe on the tired and a bit less hungry side, but I blame the parasite protocol for some of that.
But it all got me to thinking about what I could do now to improve my life, even if just the mental health side.
I did my prayer for the departed last night. And as soon as I was done. Like lightening bolts the thoughts came into my head. “You believe in God?’ the thought asked. I replied “of course, wholeheartedly”. “You believe in Divinity?” It then asked. “Yes, of course, more than I believe in most things.” “You have complete faith in these?” it kept at me. “Yes!” I said. “Define them.”
Divinity is like Heaven. It is the all, everywhere, through all space and time, the pulsing energy that is everything and nothing, where there are no illusions of time and matter.
God is the representation of that source energy here. Half of the equation of the good/evil battle in this reality.
“Ok. Do you have that same faith in yourself?” came the next question throwing me off guard. We both knew the answer. No need to even say it aloud.
I guess maybe it’s my time to define myself. Obviously not through all of space and time. I don’t have the exact complete understanding of that yet, except that I came from that Divinity and hope to go back to it again. But here, now…….who am I?
That’s so heady and existential. I know who I am pragmatically. I can relay all the stats fairly accurately.
I just really don’t know what I’m meant to be doing here. I don’t consider myself an expert on anything. I don’t pretend to be, like I see people do and get away with and people applaud and cheer for them and I’m like “what in the world?”. Pretending and lying really seems to pay off on this planet, sadly. And I can’t be that. I can’t do that.
I do sometimes know what I know for reasons I can’t always explain, just like I feel what I feel and I also can’t always explain it because I know I pick up emotions that aren’t mine, just like I pick up pain that isn’t mine, and ideas that seem to come out of thin air…. literally. Not to say I’m always right. God no.
I need to define myself and even more importantly I need to have faith in myself. I don’t value success the way most people do, but I still have to live in this world. I really want to see this thing through and I want to do it my way. The only way that makes sense to my heart. Come what may. That is what having faith in myself means to me and that is what I must do every moment I can to make this somehow truly count.