The reason being

I have such a hard time taking much in life serious because I can see through the stupidity of it all. I can see the games we all play and the masks we all wear. It’s still fun to play sometimes but knowing it’s all a farce, that it’s all make-believe; knowing the idiocies of society and that the roles we play mean so very little. Being able to see the grand picture beyond the picture presented makes me give much less of a shit about most things.

There are still things I greatly value and admire and beliefs I hold tight to for my own stability and wellness. There are things I care about outside of myself; the world, its inhabitants.

—-+-

Last night Donna and I were talking about sales. She’s a real estate agent so she does cold calls and soliciting of work from people. I was remembering having sales jobs and being hired at those two car dealerships I never ended up working at. I’m good at sales but not because I’m a good salesperson per say but simply because I genuinely like people and find most everyone has something interesting about them.

She suggested I start calling my old clients. I was thinking maybe a survey would be more in order. Like what did I do wrong? What did I do right? I can handle some constructive criticism, even if they might be things I can’t necessarily change. But that’s more work and I can’t stretch myself anymore than I am already.

Last night I also said “I hate people”. Donna made me repeat it, she was so shocked I said it. It absolutely isn’t true. I don’t know why I even said it. I don’t at all. I am just frustrated and I have no one person or thing to blame entirely. There have been villains at at every stage but they are more complex and dynamic than your average movie character ones and they can’t take all the blame for this situation.

Then she asked me if I was on anti-depressants. I laughed too hard. I’m an ass. I just hate scripts. This is a transitory issue. I know why I’m depressed. As soon as this blip roles by I’ll be back to myself. I’m fine. I’m not in any jeopordy of hurting anyone. I’m getting my shit handled. All the balls are in the air and I feel pretty ok all things considered. Maybe on the tired and a bit less hungry side, but I blame the parasite protocol for some of that.

——

But it all got me to thinking about what I could do now to improve my life, even if just the mental health side.

I did my prayer for the departed last night. And as soon as I was done. Like lightening bolts the thoughts came into my head. “You believe in God?’ the thought asked. I replied “of course, wholeheartedly”. “You believe in Divinity?” It then asked. “Yes, of course, more than I believe in most things.” “You have complete faith in these?” it kept at me. “Yes!” I said. “Define them.”

Divinity is like Heaven. It is the all, everywhere, through all space and time, the pulsing energy that is everything and nothing, where there are no illusions of time and matter.

God is the representation of that source energy here. Half of the equation of the good/evil battle in this reality.

“Ok. Do you have that same faith in yourself?” came the next question throwing me off guard. We both knew the answer. No need to even say it aloud.

I guess maybe it’s my time to define myself. Obviously not through all of space and time. I don’t have the exact complete understanding of that yet, except that I came from that Divinity and hope to go back to it again. But here, now…….who am I?

That’s so heady and existential. I know who I am pragmatically. I can relay all the stats fairly accurately.

I just really don’t know what I’m meant to be doing here. I don’t consider myself an expert on anything. I don’t pretend to be, like I see people do and get away with and people applaud and cheer for them and I’m like “what in the world?”. Pretending and lying really seems to pay off on this planet, sadly. And I can’t be that. I can’t do that.

I do sometimes know what I know for reasons I can’t always explain, just like I feel what I feel and I also can’t always explain it because I know I pick up emotions that aren’t mine, just like I pick up pain that isn’t mine, and ideas that seem to come out of thin air…. literally. Not to say I’m always right. God no.

-+—

I need to define myself and even more importantly I need to have faith in myself. I don’t value success the way most people do, but I still have to live in this world. I really want to see this thing through and I want to do it my way. The only way that makes sense to my heart. Come what may. That is what having faith in myself means to me and that is what I must do every moment I can to make this somehow truly count.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

2 thoughts on “The reason being”

  1. I like myself. I like who I am. I believe in myself. But I just don’t take myself or anyone or anything all that seriously. I just don’t. I don’t project the “I am confident” vibe unless I’m in my Domme attire and mode. Because I don’t have anything to prove to anyone besides myself and I hate fake showmanship.

    But people want to see that. Typically. And that just isn’t me. I’m so laid back and carefree. It sometimes gives people the impression I don’t care about anything and that I’m an easy target which is absolutely not the case.

    In this post I was reflecting on the need to have more faith in my innate abilities, even if they aren’t things the world values they are things I value and tht is where I must find the faith to treasure myself deeply, even if the world can’t see it. I don’t NEED the world to see it. I need to see and believe it for myself. And I’ve been so busy caring for others and for humanity that I’ve neglected to see how truly special I am. And dammit I am. Not to negate anyone else, but those aren’t mutually exclusive. Just to celebrate myself. Because I’m fucking worth it.

    That’s where I am going it this. If that makes sense. Lol💋

    Like

  2. Someone once told me that if you don’t have faith in yourself and a level of confidence that you can deal with stuff, you’re pretty much hosed until you find a way to have that faith and confidence in yourself. You mentioned sales and I worked in sale and could sell ice cubes to Eskimos and air conditioners in hell… hated dealing with the people with a passion. One of the things in this I had to learn was to focus on the job – sell people stuff even when they wanted to be sold on something and really didn’t. Do the job and “forget” that doing this work would be so much easier if people weren’t involved.

    One of our adulting tasks we must accomplish is to define ourselves and our place in our existence and it’s one of the hardest things to accomplish because life itself doesn’t always allow you to “sit back” and figure it out without having to deal with the alligators while draining the swamp. We wind up learning that until we figure out the path we need to walk – and notice I didn’t say the path we wanted to walk – life can be a pain in the ass struggle without that definition and most certainly when we lack faith and confidence in ourselves.

    You ask yourself, “Can I do this? How can I do it? Do I need help doing it?” and if you don’t believe that you can do it – even with help – yeah… hosed. I find myself having to figure something out even after having defined myself so very long ago and it’s okay if I say, “I’m not sure how to do this…” but I have the faith and confidence in myself to know that I’ll figure it out – because I have to since, most of the times, no one else can do it for me or if I need help, they can’t do their part until I do mine. Whether I succeed or fail in whatever it is really isn’t the point – but whether or not I had the faith and confidence in myself to tackle whatever is the point.

    You asked me the other day how I deal with the effects of my stroke – a major life-changing event and I’ve dealt with it because I have faith and confidence in myself to get after this and, if nothing else, try to be 100% even when I know I never will be. I believe that it’s what you try to do that defines you and how you handle failure and those are the things that can play into having faith and confidence in yourself that you will do everything in your power to deal with and even if you wind up failing.

    If you fail, can you get back up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward? You need faith in yourself as well as confidence to know and believe that you can get back up because, seriously, you have to get back up or else… and the alternatives are rarely attractive. I look at it like this: If you don’t try, you can’t fail… and if you don’t fail, you never learn how to succeed and if you don’t believe in yourself, well, who’s supposed to? It’s easy for someone else to say they have faith in you or they’re confident that you can deal with whatever you gotta deal with… end of the day, though, they’re not the one who’s dealing with it. Not saying that such sentiments can’t be enough to motivate you; sometimes, you gotta hear this from someone else so you can tell yourself, “Yeah… I can do this!” kickstarting your faith in yourself as well as your confidence that, at the very least, you’re gonna give it your best effort.

    Sometimes, it’s not your successes that define you – it’s how you handle failure; do you sit back and bitch and moan and trying to place blame somewhere… or do you say, “Okay… that didn’t work…” and set yourself to figuring out what will work? It’s what you do, how you do it but, importantly, that defining moment that gives one faith and confidence in themselves is that they’re doing something despite all the alligators nipping at your heels as you try to drain the swamp.

    Will the gators eat you? Maybe… but faith and confidence says you’re not gonna be an easy meal. I’m no motivational speaker but what I do know is that if you don’t have faith in yourself, no one is going to have much faith in you; if you’re not confident, no one can be confident for you.

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