My daughter caught me in bed just laying there last night. I don’t normally do that sort of thing, unless I’m sick. I generally only sleep in my bed. Probably because I hate crumbs and street clothes to be on it and I figure it won’t confuse my brain; bed=sleep….simple.
But yesterday had been a long ass day of driving and working on eBay stuff for clients and I was trying to wind down but too tired to even watch TV. So as I laid there she came and laid out next to me and asked me how my day went. I don’t really like to complain, but I told her it had been a long day and I was tired. There was a bit of silence and she asked me “what did you want to be when you were a kid, or what do you still want to be?”.
I laughed a bit. People don’t usually go around asking grown-ass women with two businesses and 3 kids what they want to be? It was cute. It took me all of one minute to say “a writer”. She nodded, “I can see that. You do love to read.” I smiled. Then redirected the question back to her.
But that got me to thinking about it. Back when I thought for half a second Brad and I maybe could be heading towards marriage I envisioned being able to not work and have the time and energy to write the books I have in my head. It was such a peaceful and idyllic thought. Even though it’s no where near my reality it still makes me feel really good to imagine it. To imagine being able to just write for my own pleasure, for hours on end every day without having to worry about income and bills and blah, blah, blah.
Who knows if it will ever happen. But that is and has been the one consistent career I’ve wanted my entire life. Most everything else is work. I am passionate about colon hydrotherapy, of course. But let’s not kid ourselves, I literally clean shit for a living there. It’s not that I need my job to be glamorous. I’ve never had a glamorous job, ever. It’s not that I find it gross. After 3 kids, and being covered in all kinds of body fluids, rarely anything phases me really. It’s just that I can’t say that part is fun. But no complaints.
Brad comes back tomorrow. These last three weeks without him went fast. We barely talked, and texted only a few days, having mostly radio silence. I felt like I got a lot done at the time. I was bored here and there, truthfully, since I do tend to spend the vast majority of my day alone or at home. But I’m ok with boredom. It lets the mind wander to new places sometimes and I don’t have a problem just being with myself.
I had originally planned on staying with him tomorrow night but I’ve decided I don’t think I will stay at his house anymore. It is a nice place, really comfortable, clean, spacious, pleasant. It’s that while I like his daughter, I feel that well……. frankly…….she’s on drugs and while it’s nothing too harsh, mostly kratom and pot and scripts. Honestly, I just don’t want to be there if she ever OD’s.
There are obviously other factors involved too, but I’m not going to go into it. That’s enough. Their relationship, how she navigates her life…none of my concern. I’m not going to make it my concern. No one wants that. I need to pull away from Brad anyway. I still want him in my life as a friend. Something he finds very insulting but it’s the reality of the situation. Right now I’m in a “I want nothing to do with men or love” stance and I’m actually quite happy with that. Quite happy indeed.