I guess I learned from a very young age that the world can be a very cruel place. Probably because my caretakers severely beat me, continually berated me and sexually abused me repeatedly before I even reached double digits. I learned to have a certain level of acceptance about it. Especially as a young child when you have so little control over much of your life. You learn that it’s all just part of life.
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I also can’t change it. And it helped me view people with love even as I also held fear and resentment towards them and the situations they put me in. I learned life is a mixed bag and understood that deeply from a very tender age.
I see this young kid who killed these people in Texas and obviously my heart bleeds for the people he hurt, but it also goes out to him. They are going to go for the death penalty. IMO and I know it probably isn’t a common one, I think we should use him and people like him to learn how to reform them. I’m not saying let him out of prison (although I personally hate the concept of prison). But I’m saying use him as a guinea pig to understand how to reach people’s hearts. How to make that shift happen.
We wouldn’t even have to use tax payer money. I’m sure some charitable or scientific organizations would love to tackle that. We can’t just kill him and think “okay, problem solved”. It doesn’t work that way. The insidious hatred that inspired his actions is not just something within him alone.
Plus no one is born inherently evil and I refuse to believe that people can’t be reached on some level. We are all just humans, just people, having a physical experience in this same space and time, together, for better or worse. Why can’t we learn to get along? Why can’t we learn to really help each other? We are each other’s guardians. And that isn’t just for the people we deem worthy, that’s for everyone.
Why is that so hard to understand?
I was thinking yesterday how I have been in contact with a lot of people whom others would regard as evil and unworthy of any kindness. I actually once as a teenager walked into a psychic to get a reading and she took one look at my boyfriend and kicked us out. She said she didn’t want him there one second more. He was not the greatest guy. He was lazy, opportunistic, had violent tendencies, cheated on me, and I’m pretty sure in retrospect that he tried to pimp me out.
I have always seemed to be surrounded by abusive people and yet I give thanks that my heart has stayed pretty pure. I am happy that I have not been jaded too much, become embittered, lost faith in humanity. It is maybe because I know we are all inherently flawed, in our own ways, and capable of things we never expect on both sides of the spectrum. I have compassion for everyone really.
But at the same time the thought occured to me that I really want to be done associating with abusive people. There are some people currently in my life that I obviously can’t disengage from. It just isn’t possible, but for everyone else I am officially done. I need to figure out how to engage with people with pure hearts. I want to allow myself that now. My life has been hard enough. I’ve paid my dues and God knows who else’s.
I’m done. I’m so done. I just want ease. And I want people around me that are going to be a safe harbor for my heart. Really doesn’t seem too much to ask. There are plenty of absolutely great people in the world. I just have to let them in, if they will have me as their friend.