Colt asked me to go onto Reddit to ask advice about my situation. I started to write it all down, which in and of itself was a great suggestion. Writing things down, especially with the intention to make it all as straightforward as possible, helped clarify a few things. A) just how convoluted this situation truly is. B) how in over my head I am feeling. C) how the need for fresh, new eyes may be exactly what is necessary here.
It also established that I need to take the emotion out of my decision making and also try to separate what is happening in my personal life from my financial situation; even though because of my exes support they are very intertwined right now.
Everyone close to me has already opined and it hasn’t helped much. I think because they’ve seen how hard I’ve worked, how difficult this has been, how all alone I am and also because they have no way to help me financially it leaves them without much to offer but emotional support in whatever decision I make. Which is nice and I don’t discount at all.
But I could use some financial clarification of my options; just the black and white numbers. It’s time I crunched them all out and put it all down before me so that I can see what I need to do. I have about 6 months before they come and take the house from me. That’s enough time to make my own plan instead of just letting fate dictate the future for me. Maybe I can figure out a way to stay. I know that’s what would most benefit the kidlets; and I truly do like it here as well.
It’s completely unlike the situation with Aurora; one of my old neighbors in Seal Beach. She was such a wonderful person. Her daughter had died of a brain aneurysm and on her death bed the daughter had asked Aurora to stay and help take care of her infant son. The father was a doctor that worked a lot of hours and while he loved the child he seemed to love women more.
She begrudgingly stayed in Seal Beach, where most people who live there love living and yet she hated it. She wanted to be back on the East coast with her friends and son in her own big house. The father eventually went and married a nurse that Aurora was sure was only in it for the money and treated the boy as a nuisance as well as even her own children, it seemed.
Aurora ended up dying of a brain aneurysm as well when the boy was about 7. Still living in Seal Beach, still helping raise her grandson and I often think back to that and feel such a depth of sadness for everyone involved. In hindsight I wonder what Aurora would have done differently, if she could have. She loved that little boy deeply, but was it worth her own happiness?
It reminds me of the talk my mother in law had with me when we told her about the divorce. She sat me down and said something to the effect of “I sacrificed my own happiness for my family and I expect you to do the same. I know how much your family means to you and those are the sacrifices we make as a woman”. I understood what she was trying to say but she didn’t and doesn’t know the whole story.
The divorce was my sacrifice. Just not the way most people understand unless I explain it in depth and it isn’t something I talk about freely. It’s fine. I have no complaints. I’m still alive. I have my girls. I want to offer them stability but maybe that part isn’t in the cards for them or me. Not everyone is so lucky in life. But we shall keep trying. Valiantly. Shan’t we?