Well…..it’s official. My mortgage is getting sent to an attorney for foreclosure processing……today. I had to have them explain it to me twice. We were on the phone 30 minutes at least. I needed to understand the time frame, the process, any outs I had.
They denied my loan modification siting that I didn’t have enough income to even pay that. Funny. All these people making all these decisions on my financial life. People that don’t give two shits about anything but numbers and bottom lines. People that go back to their nice comfortable homes and forget all about the devastation they cause.
I get it. It’s a dog eat dog world. I have no one to blame but myself. I thought I could succeed. I thought I could triumph over my adversities. I thought that doing a service for humanity and also trying to provide stability for my children, both seemingly noble causes, would help propel me to make it. I didn’t want to be a Rockefeller. I just wanted to survive.
It’s fine. This world isn’t set up that way. I’m not going to sit here feeling sorry for myself. I just have to figure out my next step. I have a couple things I may be able to do. I’ll have to try them both. That’s all I’ve got left now to do. One foot in front of the other.
This will probably make some people happy. People that think I have no right to even exist in their world anyway. But I can’t be bothered to even think about that right now. Can I?
Nope. I can’t. I don’t have that capacity right now. I have to keep focusing on what I can do, on who I can be, within the confines life gives me. I still have to play along, like it or not. Not particularly liking this right now, but I just have to keep an eye on the things that propel me still; the people I love, the hearts I touch, the compassion I can give. I’m not sure how much I really care about the rest.
If I’m not meant to be here then I’m not meant to be here. Why keep fighting the tide?