So angry….. and I don’t know who to be angry at exactly.
I have some part in that, with my choices. This much I know.
I’m angry at Brad. I’m angry at my circumstances. I’m angry at the government. I’m angry at the values of this world. I’m angry at the current established medical gestapo. I’m angry at it all!!
The other morning I caught myself cursing God. I asked why 30 years ago when I was able to witness Divinity I wasn’t allowed to stay. Why did I have to come back? I would return every day I have lived since then to be there; every moment of beauty, every priviledge I’ve known, ever bit of love and compassion I’ve enjoyed, all of it. You can have it all back. Why? Why was I not allowed that? Why have I had to endure so much pain?
I try to justify it to myself this way: Then I would have never felt or understood motherhood. I would not have experienced my prescious children’s love. Then I wouldn’t have found myself, the depth of the soul who I am still on the road to being. Then I would not have had the chance to heal my childhood traumas. Then I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to help so many people or had the deep treasure of having people help me. But, it only takes the edge off of that grief.
I’m angry that I’ve wasted a year of my life with a man that will never be the husband I want; will never be part of my little family. Not to be ungrateful for all he has done; which is completely noteworthy and special. But we all know, don’t we, that this happily ever after desire I have isn’t going anywhere. It’s as true as the first moment I felt it. No matter how much I can honor that my life will be complete with or without it, we all know how much I truly am desirous of it. Don’t we?
It doesn’t take over ever thought and action. Rather it’s there always in the background, peeking its head out at me. I suppose in its own way it’s trying to keep me aligned to it. As if saying “if you can’t have this, shoot for better, but don’t settle for less”. What is better though?
The only thing I can think would be better is something similar to living in a commune. Where people genuinely care for each other and the earth and try to cohabitate with grace and compassion. I’m sure drama ensues there at well. The world is a stage after all. I used to, as an older teenager, dream of living at one. But now it just reminds me too much of the people that live in gated communities. Like “are you keeping others out or yourself imprisoned?”. I sometimes don’t see much difference there.
When you strip away your own freedoms in the sake of safety, you are still stripping away freedom. Maybe some people find it justified. I don’t find fear justifiable at all, ever. I don’t find allowing myself to be imprisoned for my own safety a good call. Not that a commune is anything like that.
I’m just so mad that the world is ran so stupidly. It’s a beautiful place. At least the parts we haven’t fucked up yet completely. But the same goes for people. People have such beautiful souls, especially those that haven’t bludgeoned their spirit to oblivion yet. And I look at those they say are crazy, and mental and don’t fit in and I see such depth of emotion and life in them. I see how the world challenges them to fit into a box their soul and spirit can’t fit into and the pain that causes them.
And all I can do is laugh at the idiocy of this all sometimes. But today, right now doesn’t feel like a laughing kind of day to me. I’ll get back there soon enough. But for now I’m going to sit with my anger a bit. Revel in it. Hello Dolly!
Brad and I are were talking about how easy it would be to destroy infrastructures. How easy it would be to kill my ex-husband. How easy it would be to cause a government shut down. I agree to some point. These things wouldn’t be too hard for anyone to do. But I don’t see the point. In my mind all things must be a win/win and who would be the one to suffer from having to do these tasks? I personally would never put any of that on anyone’s soul or criminal record.
We both can go really morbid sometimes with our thoughts. We laugh about it though because neither of us is really capable or desirous of those things. But they are still fun to talk about. Not the killing my ex-husband part. Although it does seem to come up here and there over the years, strangely. But murder to me isn’t justified, ever. I don’t have that right. But again, there are those that do so for a good cause and who can truly blame them if their heart tells them it’s the right thing to do.
I’m thinking here of doctors that perform abortions. I was thinking of when I went to the ER and stayed a bit and I was not suicidal as much as just ready to go. The pain was just so intense. And some of the doctors and nurses were fucking with me a little. They were probably bored and I was excruciatingly high on mass doses of pot (to help with the pain, way before they manipulated the CBD), so I was an easy target, and fun I’m sure.
They were talking about how some gangs as an initiation catch wind of people in the ER that want to die and send in their pledges to kill them. That way they are performing a service and still getting a kill. Guess that’s a better way to expose someone to how it feels to kill someone. A bit more humane maybe, if that can be said. Explains the security doors at ER’s. But I had never heard of this, not before and not after.
So who knows how true it is. Not like they can do much. The patient is already in the ER. Not that they want this kind of news out there. People would be scared to go to the hospitals. Like they aren’t already enough. Then add negligence, superbugs, and the wrong administration of drugs and surgeries as an often very true and underreported thing that it is. Who would go? Lol
This world is a joke. Almost nothing we think is important is. And almost everything we don’t value is of true importance and we all just keep playing along like this counts. Like we are trying to win some trophy. Lol. Fucking idiots that we are. I got nothing to add here. I’m not judging anyone. I am part of it all too. I never said I wasn’t. Doesn’t mean I can’t laugh at it and myself and everyone else though.
Better than carrying around a machete I suppose.