I can affirm that while I am most definitely boy crazy as of late I think I identify more as pansexual. Although right this moment in time given all the external issues of my life I am feeling a bit more asexual than anything.
But pansexual does seem to encompass my truer feelings. It’s about the person much more than the gender or sex or anything else.
But again. Right now my sexuality and sex drive is on the back burner. Bigger fish to fry.
I talked to Brad last night for the first time. He told me how scared he is that I’ll find someone new. 🙄 This man really doesn’t know me and my life and my heart. Does he? But I do miss him. Which just makes me feel like an idiot. He is coming to fix something around the house and take me to linner.
I told him if we had sex it had to be vanilla. I somehow doubt he will be too into that, but who knows.
I’ve looked at our situation up and down and all around. Similar to I did with my ex-husband and there seems no logical way to salvage this. It will have to be just friends and maybe even without benefits.
I told him yesterday how grateful I was that he helped me see the deep healing that I still needed to work on. That he helped me bring to light what needed to be brought forth. I feel like I don’t need to go there anymore though. I feel like I can let that go. I’m not feeling dominant or submissive. I’m not feeling like playing kink at all.
I still enjoy touch and intimacy, but I’m not needing the extremes that I was looking for before. Not that those things aren’t fun and don’t have a place in a relationship. But that’s no longer the place for Brad and I.
I know he loves me and his love can feel like such a sweet haven sometimes. So I’m hoping today is all good. I’ve accepted that we can’t talk about certain things and that he doesn’t know how to meet most of my needs. But he has offered me a lot of compassion and attention and things no one else has stepped up to offer me.
And….. I don’t have it in me to just throw people away like used Kleenex. Once I care about someone I care for them for life. It’s how I am made. I really can’t help that. Doesn’t mean I keep them in my inner circle but it also doesn’t mean I just sever every tie. It isn’t me to do that.
I had this really great client today. Such a sweet guy. Going through his own spiritual and physical journey of healing. He told me how he put a Facebook post last night telling his friends and family what he is going through and asking for help. He woke up this morning to people sending him blessings and money and asking for his address to send him necessities. He woke up feeling so blessed when he had gone to sleep feeling so vulnerable and frightened.
I don’t know that I would ever have the balls to do that. I felt slight guilt even just charging him for my services but I can’t work for free. I’d essentially be working to put myself in more debt. The water and supplies and my time; it would put me at a deficit I can’t really afford.
But it did make me think that maybe I should offer everyone a friend and family discount for next month. We shall see. I’m just going one thing at a time here. Trying to maintain calm and centered and present as things come at me. Otherwise it will all just become way too overwhelming and we can’t have that, now can we?