Brad and I officially broke up
Which is hard to do when you’re not even really a couple to begin with
It started out innocently enough
I was talking about what a sweet gesture it was that a whole bunch of constituents went to the Michigan airport to welcome congresswoman Ilhan Omar home with cheers and signs saying “Welcome Home”. I just thought it was so heartwarming. Brad said absolutely nothing to this.
So at his house once we settled down cozy in bed to watch a movie I asked him what he thought of the tweets against the 4 congresswomen. First he says that it’s the media’s vendetta against Trump. I told him the tweets were verifiable. He goes off on some tangent about illegal immigration. I steered him back.
I told him “look, you can like whoever you want but know who they are”. He refuses to even look at Trumps behavior. He stands by him unwaveringly, which is fine….but I can not respect you unless you know exactly who you are standing behind. I told him to get his head out of the sand.
He then refused to talk about it with me because “I get too upset”. It doesn’t matter that he gets upset too, only that I do. That’s the main issue I guess. My anger….. and he asks “if I want him to take me home?”. Which at the time seemed like a veiled threat. I go to the restroom to think about all this for a minute and realize I just can’t let it go.
He drove me home like a bat out of hell. Swerving in and out of traffic, even putting his high beams on cars driving too slow in the fast lane. We didn’t say a word to each other. I wasn’t angry. More than anything I felt relieved. I felt like this finalized a lot for me. I felt like it was ok. I was not mad, not sad, not anything other than just praying I’d make it home safely.
I still care about him, deeply. I don’t have some switch inside that just turns that off. All the way home that Elton John song kept ringing in my ears “I want love”. I couldn’t remember the lyrics, except the “won’t break me down part”. And that’s it. That’s what I want. A love that lifts me up. I don’t need more stress in my life. I don’t need another kid.
I was reading this article about great fictional quotes and the one about sometimes wanting is better than having struck me deeply as did the one that said “we get the love we think we deserve”.
I don’t have the answers here. I’m just trying to be true to myself. I’m happy to be home, safely. Happy to be surrounded by my little chiclets. If I can’t have what I deeply want and need…..maybe not having it isn’t the worst thing. It allows me to keep dreaming. It allows me to focus on myself. It allows me freedom. And freedom is one of the greatest things this world can give you. One of the greatest feelings in the world. Isn’t it?