I took a few steps back last night. First of all I drank……and I won’t say much else about the night itself.
I went to sleep chastising myself. And I woke up just as perturbed. I thought I was doing so well. What is the true testament of being healthy when you’re trying to abstain from an unhealthy behavior; whether it’s gambling, drinking, binge eating, shopping, porn, or whatever myriad of addictions plentifully available in this world?
Is abstaining enough? Is it abstaining from action as well as thought? Is it taking yourself out of the environment so you aren’t triggered? Is it not being triggered nomatter what the environment?
Is it loving and forgiving yourself through your relapses as you keep struggling onwards, even though you want to hate yourself sometimes? Even though hating yourself feels the best thing to do; the “right” and logical choice, the default that comes to haunt and ridicule you in the aftermath.
People walk around in life sometimes not even knowing why they are the way they are. What really lies underneath the lies, props and facade they hold up for the world to see. The mask they’ve grown to believe themselves to be real.*
I try so very hard to be real. I try very hard to be completely honest. It’s almost like a challenge I give to myself. I don’t really try to prove anything to anyone because that’s always proved a futile endeavor. I don’t try to be nice. I do try to be civil and humble; as those seem worth the effort in all circumstances. Otherwise I just aim to be me. Whether people like that or not is simply not my concern really.
Although it does make me smile that most people seem to like me. It’s not an affirmation of anything though, but it does feel good if I were to want to take inventory. The thing is that I don’t ever take inventory because then I have to look at the flip side of that. And when it comes down to it I genuinely believe that people’s interpretation of me has more to do with themselves than it has to do with me.
People generally see what they want to see. So the experience they have is based more on their own perception than on reality. Not that I can even rightfully ascertain what reality truly is. We are all just winging it. I get that now more than ever.
All this to say I failed myself. Yet again I failed myself and knowing where I fail doesn’t help me feel any better. Knowing the root cause of my failures is no consolation at all. Knowing these failures stem from deep childhood scars and trauma also does nothing to take away the guilt. Nothing! I feel so utterly fallible and weak.
At this point it’s just hope and sheer determination to conquer myself that propels me off the floor, where I have crumbled to yet again.
I truly am no better than the worst of us. I have never said otherwise. “There but by the grace of God” has always been at the forefront of my mind, but now more than ever I feel tormented and beleaguered by forces within myself that I seem to have little control of. Which makes me as culpable as any other fiend. My only one consolation is that I am hurting no one but myself here.
However that is very little consolation to me right now…….
For I know the ripple effect. I know when I hurt myself that pain ends up also hurting those that love me and even beyond that.
I’m not pretending to be anything I’m not. I am troubled. I am scarred so deep inside the pain is sometimes unfathomable and unbearable. Yet….I persevere. I keep getting up. I keep trying to find the path. I keep trying to find the goodness inside that far overshadows the demons lurking there. It’s a struggle. Life is a struggle. But I’m going to keep staring this thing down until, if I can’t exorcise it, I can at least come to terms with it and not let it fell me again and again.
And I humbly call on the forces of divinity to help me, to point me in the direction I need to go. It’s been a painful awakening, this journey to healing myself deep inside. It is bumpy and rigorous endeavor sometimes. It is full of potholes and jagged edges, but it also has this flip side to it. I’ve had such touching and deeply powerful experiences of love and compassion and spirit.
I’m not sure I could have had one without the other; unfortunately.
But what else is there to do? I won’t go bury my head in the sand. That doesn’t stop reality from existing. It doesn’t stop the pain either. It really doesn’t. I’d rather see it all. I’d rather experience it all. Painful as it is.
I still wake up grateful to have another day and another chance and more time to do whatever it is I’m meant to be doing here. Somewhere there is a master plan happening. I’m just not privy to what that is and I may never in this life be. But I believe and that’s enough for me. That itself is enough.
*Depression, alcoholism, anger issues, anxiety, egomania, etc. are all symptoms of something going on deep inside. Those “issues” are just the boils seeping out from toxins in the heart, mind and soul.