I can’t tell you how much my life has been helped and even saved by the kindness of strangers.
That’s not to say every interaction has been kind or phenomenal or even noteworthy, but I have had some pretty awesome experiences from the openness and help of complete strangers.
If it weren’t for this kindness and outreach from people who do not know me and owe me absolutely nothing in this world, I truly would not be here today.
I wish my family and friends would and could be half as kind to me.
I have very few friends by choice really. Right now situationally, but throughout my life it just seemed easier to not have any. It’s been family and friends that have put me in the most jeopordy in life and caused me the most harm. And maybe because they are not easy to just walk away from as you can strangers it has left me a bit jaded and scared.
This isn’t everyone’s experience fortunately though.
I have met some truly wonderful people who I would have loved to have been life long friends with, but moving every few years makes that almost impossible as I don’t like to talk on the phone much at all.
I hate to say it because I don’t want it to be true but I think it’s time I admit somethings to myself here. Jealously and hatred from my own family and friends has been a stark point throughout my life. I’ll give you a few simple straightforward examples.
Once I went to visit my friend and she took me to this great Salvadorian restaurant and we had pupusas. I had never had them so I asked questions and when the food came the waitress very kindly explained how to eat them and gave me some history. My friend looked at me angrily and said “I’ve been coming here for years, she’s never talked to me that way.”. I brushed it off with a joke and we moved past it fortunately.
Another time my entire family on my mothers side and I went to see a play. I remember it was intermission and we were standing in the middle of the main lobby and an elder couple walked up to us, pointed at me and said “she is so special, so very lovely, you must be so proud” and everyone just hemmed and hawed and no one really said anything. They left and everyone just proceeded with whatever we had been talking about and that was that. Nothing. No one ever mentioned it again and this is only the second time I’ve ever said it myself. Because I’m used to this. This has happened my entire life.
I was expelled from High School for a misunderstanding (let’s just say) and at the meeting they sat my father down showed him some test scores and said to him “your daughter is extraordinarily intelligent” and he rolled his eyes and said nothing. Completely dismissing them.
I was curious about the paper and wanted to know more but I knew better than to say a word and we walked out of there and he didn’t speak to me for a month solid. Not one word. Anything that needed to be said was relayed through his live in girlfriend. That was fun.
I think I need a “Nancy Kerrigan” day here soon. I need to release all that seems to be frothing at the top right now.
Brad and my ex husband have been a couple of the few intimately known men in my life that have actually helped me a lot. They know me. They see me for who I am and appreciate me. My ex now much more than when we were married even, unfortunately. But my ex hurt me deeply with his betrayal and Brad…… I don’t even know where to start with him.
You know that my own mother tried to put me in jail twice. TWICE. My father tried to put me in rehab when I didn’t even do drugs. All three times the men in charge stood up for me and put them in their place. Men I didn’t even know. The attorney that was representing me in court told my mom sternly “she’s not going to jail” when she wanted me put in. When she was briefly gone he held my hand and said something to the effect of “she’s one of the worst I’ve seen, you were given a shitty deal in life here kid, but I’ve got you.” and he didn’t even let her sit in at the trial.
I never saw any of these men again but they all changed the course of my life when my own parents wanted me gone, wanted to relinquish me to the care of others. I get it though. I was a pretty shitty teenager, full of rage and bitterness and no one then knew why. Now they know, but that knowledge only gives them guilt at how horrible of a childhood I went through and no one wants to look at that. I get that. They did the best they could. Plus, I know how their own childhoods were and I know some of the demons and fears they themselves carry inside.
All I can really do is love and forgive them. That at least gives my own heart lightness. I’m not there right this second as all this muck has recently resurfaced and it isn’t ready to be let go of. But I will get there. I plan to get there. It’s just not at the top of the list right now to look at all that. To acknowledge the shit it has been. To sit with it all intimately and then accept and forgive it all. It’s a project I’ll get to one day here soon.
Meanwhile I’m so deeply grateful for the people that keep getting placed in my life that have and do help me, even just with a kind word, with understanding, with trust, with an open hand or a warm hug. Life can be pretty shitty sometimes, but it’s this kindness that keeps me going and makes it all not just bearable but actually very beautiful, poignant and worthwhile. And these tears aren’t enough to express how deeply and truly blessed I feel by this.