Sometimes I doubt myself. Probably because I have very contradictory tendencies within myself. No sooner do I ascertain something about myself and then I go and do its opposite.
In this regard I have always secretly questioned how good of a person I am. Not because I don’t do things people consider “good” or have genuine desires deeply ingrained in me for goodness and love, but mostly because I’ve been with myself my entire life. I’ve seen the spectrum of my behavior from start to end. I’ve seen every thought, desire, action, manifestation of these as they have transpired. There is no escaping myself. I am ever honest with myself or at least I try to be.
Then too, I don’t like comparing myself to others. So how then do I know where I stand? How do I know how I rate? I always just assumed I was normal and to be fair I am. We all are. That normalcy is only seen as a small spectrum of our capacities as humans; that the bell curve only acknowledges normalcy as the top of the curve is not something I set or believe.
That’s the narrative we’ve been handed, but it isn’t one I personally subscribe to.
I was reading a BuzzFeed article here about green flags and at first I read it thinking second person but as I kept reading I realized I do every single one of these routinely. I was like “hey……I’m pretty fucking great”. Like “I’m a damn good catch.” Almost as if it hadn’t occured to me before that point. I mean….in Domme persona I own that part of myself and relish myself deeply, but outside of that I’m just ordinary. I don’t let myself believe otherwise.
It’s not as much self doubt as it is that when I stop to really see others I can sense the love inside of them. I see how hard they try. I see so much of what I see in myself. So how then can I ever consider myself better than? I simply can’t. Nor do I want to. I’m contradicting myself. See. This is the line I try not to cross. I don’t want to be pompous. I don’t want to be “me-centric”. I don’t want to be selfobsorbed and narcissistic. And I feel that one can go that way easily if one lets oneself.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t like playing that role once in a while and letting myself go there. That’s just plain fun. It’s just that as a whole I like to just feel like I’m exactly the same as everyone else, deep inside.
(But BuzzFeed wrote a stupid article on “the dumbest thing anti-vaxxers have said”. Like here is the thing about that. It’s almost like when you attack people so pettily it makes you seem like the fool. Like discourse is one thing and just putting people down is completely different. People are entitled to their beliefs, especially conserning their own body. It’s exactly what I tell my clients day after day.)
Yesterday I saw a client with healthcare that doesn’t have a primary care doc or naturopath. I asked about her thyroid levels. She stared at me blankly. I said look “it’s your body, just because they say something doesn’t mean you have to do it, but IT’S YOUR BODY, you should know what’s going on with it. At least get your yearly bloodwork done. See what your markers are for thyroid (T4 & T3, antibodies), liver enzymes, adrenals, etc.”. These are things you can’t see that can affect your day to day quality of life.
Doesn’t mean you have to jump on anything they tell you to do. It’s your body. You handle it the way you want to. Do some research. See what fits your lifestyle and ideology, but know about it. Get that knowledge about yourself.
That’s all I strive to do. Learn about myself. Learn about this life. I’m only here for a small duration. I want to absorb as much as I can about it. Because….what else do I have to do here? It’s all so fascinating and intriguing. And one thing always leads to another. I try not to fall into too many rabbit holes, but we all have our weaknesses and blind spots.
So is it self doubt? Maybe so. But I guess it’s purposeful. It’s like me telling myself “yea, you think so” and challenging myself for more. Not because I have to but because I can. Because it’s fun to see what I’m capable of doing, of learning, of being. And I challenge myself to more. I suppose the day it stops being fun I’ll probably stop. Whenever that day comes. Then I can be like all these other idiots that think they know everything.
I haven’t had that feeling since I was a teenager, so that will be completely new. But…. I’m really not aspiring for that. Truthfully, I hope that never comes to pass. Because that’s a pretty unbearable stance to be around usually. I should know. I got a teenager at home now to prove it. 🙄😝🤣