A soft break is trying to disconnect slowly from someone to establish clearer boundaries. It involves creating real and purposeful distance, of both the physical and emotional kind. Is it easy? No. Not for me. I get very easily attached to people.
My daughter asked me why I was so agro yesterday. I actually had a pleasant and rather laid back day. It was full of chores, errands and little things I had to take care of, but overall a great day off and beautiful too. Can’t beat that.
I watched a movie while I folded laundry and ate dinner.
So why, she kept asking, was I in a bad mood? I told her about the soft break. It’s part of my codependency. I know it’s what I need to do. I know it’s the right thing. Still doesn’t make it easy. But this soft break is the easiest thing I can think to do right now.
It’s better this way and Brad has actually made it even easier. He has been in pain and circumstantially turmoiled, but because of my own situation and how busy and tired I’ve been it’s been almost impossible for me to be there for him in any meaningful way. Then because he is in dire straights, he can’t really be here for me and my needs. Which just makes creating this distance between us so much simpler and almost organically produced. And this is much less stressful than a full on break. Which we all know I suck at.
I’m not being dishonest here. We simply haven’t discussed it outright. The closest we’ve come is when he suggested taking the kids to the movies and I told him I don’t want him around my kids. He immediately took it bad, which I understand. I told him it was that he is too immature, I don’t like us arguing around them and he sometimes treats me in ways I don’t want them to see women treated. He of course doesn’t comprehend this at all.
But I’m speaking my truth. He doesn’t have to agree with it. He just has to respect it.
I don’t know where this will take us. I’m getting sick of driving to Salem. I’m sure he is getting sick of coming to get me.
Plus I want to surround myself with positive things in life; as much as possible at least; positive people, positive experiences, positive energy. He can be sweet and kind, generous and loving, doting and accommodating but positive would not be in his top ten.
It’s ok though. We all have our strong suit. The only one thing I regret about this last year spent trying to make this work with him is that I should have been using that time to work more on my business. But that’s not to say I totally slacked off either. Regardless I know that is not his fault, it’s mine. Not sure how many times I have to learn this lesson.
Men in my life have proven themselves to always be a distraction and not a boon to my career. I’m also not the kind of person that uses other people though.
I’m not complaining. I’ve grown a lot and learned a lot about myself, what I want in life, and my expectations for myself. He will always mark the time I saw and started the journey to heal my own demons and skeletons. That is a valuable lesson. A very valuable lesson indeed, even if it was completely unwittingly done on his part and he left me to flounder on my own. So be it. Better to get scraped and bruised on the path to wholeness than never embark on the path at all.
At least that’s my take now. We shall see when the dust settles in my life a bit and I reach stability how I feel about it all. Until then. Thanks for all the dinners and fucks. Lol